Moving Through the Century

ME - NYTheatre.com's Person of the Year 2011

2011-12-08T15:22:00.000-05:00

I know this blog has become a waste land of nothingness, but taking a moment to shout out some wonderful news.

Me and a whole slew of great people have been named NYTheatre.com People of the Year for 2011. Please take a moment to read.

More "While You Were In" and other nonsense when I get a moment to breathe.

NYTheatre.com Blog: People of the Year 2011

So Many Things, So Many Things....

2011-04-08T20:28:00.001-04:00

As I am trying to figure out how to write this new sort of column, I have let quite a few events pass by. So, going to BLOG! or word vomit some of the things I have been up to in the past few.

While You Were In....

Most of these events took place on Thursdays and Fridays, so you were probably out and about and not in just watching your cat play with lint on the floor or re-runs of Dukes of Hazard on Spike. However, on Thursday, March 24, CBS local news told New Yorkers there was only one place to be, The Soundtrack Series at (le) poisson rouge. Were you there?

You could be asking - what the heck is Soundtrack Serial? Movie Score Series? What? Here is some back ground information for those of you, not in the know.

The Soundtrack Series is a series hosted by Dani Rossi with her trusty side kick Sean Williams. It happens on the 4th Thursday of every month. And straight from their Facebook page..."Six writers will tell the memories, stories, or tirades triggered every time they hear a particular song of their choosing. There's the song, there's the story behind the song, and then there's the story inspired by the song."

I have attempted to be at everyone of them (I believe I have only missed due to out of town gigs, rehearsal and other performances). Besides Fear-Mongers: Fireside Chats about Horror Films (which I will get to in a minute), this is my type of monthly reading series. My wet dream of "if I were to produce a reading series" - this would be it. (Kudos Ms. Rossi!)

Having a small poetry/spoken word background, a largish music background (from rock, to being in rock bands, to musical theater) and a largish theater background - this series takes all my loves and rolls it all up into one night of goodies.

This night was incredibly magical. The Track Listing/Storytellers were:

Dana Rossi – Daydream in Blue/I Monster
Danny Bowes – Talk Show Host/Radiohead
Justin Woo – Don’t Look Back in Anger/Oasis
Erin Brese – Crazy/Tori Amos
Kurt Braunohler – Like a G6/Far East Movement

I agree with Dana where this night was particularly eerie. These people didn't know each other at all and yet, there was a through line to the whole night. I felt like they were passing off the baton from their story onto the next. A woman having a particularly intense dream leaving her blushing at a co-worker, to a crush on a girl out of one's league and a protective night of drug use, to an act of adulthood, but trying to keep your bad ass ways, to leaving in defiance and starting a new page and finding kind people in the oddest of locations, to the realization of a friendship that lost itself along the way of that person loosing themselves.

OK, maybe that doesn't sound like there is a through line, but you are just going to have to take my word for it.

This series also inspires the audience. For every song and story there is a relative story or song to a particular audience member. Of course everyone can relate with love lost, first dances, first time driving by yourself and some funny instance that happened. Also, the songs themselves bring up memories to the listener. I have to admit, there have been some stories that I began to listen to, then drifted off into my own world of the song that was played or the story that I found relation to in my life. Then coming in and out of this imagination to hear the artistry that was woven before me.

Afterwords, everyone has a chance to catch up and retell their stories or just talk to the artists about their stories, choice of songs, etc. It's a real treat.

The Inexplicable Redemption of Agent G
Because I am so late on this blog, unfortunately this little gem is now all sold out, but they do have a wait list, so get to. You will be disappointed to miss this. What I say below does not do it justice, so just go. Please, go. Vampire Cowboys-Agent G-Get Your Tix!

From the Vampire Cowboys website:
"It’s been 10 years since Agent G has last been in Vietnam where his family and friends were all viciously slain. He’s now come back looking for answers and a good bit of revenge, however mysterious forces are at hand trying to stop him as well as the playwright from finishing this brutal task.

After 8 years of exploding movie genre after movie genre onto the live stage, Vampire Cowboys now takes their irreverent pop-culture aesthetic and applies it to a true story in their most daring and risk-taking venture yet.

He lost his country, his family, and his soul. But what he hasn’t lost is his taste for revenge!"

Ok, that tells you some of the story.

What it doesn't tell you is one of the most incredibly personal stories of a playwright onstage I have seen in a long time. Yup, playwright, on stage, well sort of, but it is a perfect balance of story, within a story, within a story...you get it, the infinite reflecting mirror. Also, the incredibly small cast playing the massive multiple roles. Or the brilliant direction, set, sound, choreography, singing (that's right singing and rapping). This show has something for EVERYONE. And I want to dive into it and tell you all about it, but that would give away all the surprises and fun that you should go see for yourself.

Qui Nguyen is brilliant at putting on an entertaining kick ass show. And, he doesn't disappoint here. However, it is so personal. I mean, I can't put into words how much this show touched my heart and my soul. Again, without giving too much away. Maybe after it has gone up to the great production in the sky, I will go into more depth.

He Who Laughs
This was a surprise and a treat to go to. My lovely man's roommate is (from what I have heard) a great storyteller. He proved it this night. It was at Ars Nova and for one night only, but there will be more iterations along the way. But! He has a blog: http://hewholaughs.com/.

His show is a script in hand play on his blog. I know, you are probably thinking...boring. I mean, if I put my blog onstage everyone would zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Isaac Oliver, however, is very blunt and very honest of his life as a single gay man looking for love in the big apple. And, also a box office manager (which, having worked box office during my college years -summer dinner theater people - this portion made me guffaw).

His style is a work in progress, but an incredibly entertaining work in in progress. He has his arm chair he sits in and tells his wisdom, narrates the scenes, reads his poems, gives advice and talks to a puppet Starbucks cup. He also has a cast of characters that play the multiple characters that come in and out of his life. From some of the most hilarious overheard subway stories to love encounters online. Love encounters is probably saying something very innocent, which it's not. His honesty in his work was refreshing and human.

Woo, that's it - and heck that's over a week ago. What happened this week to come soon!

Oh, and I mentioned Fireside chats which I went to ever single one last year and have been horrible this year. Seriously, quel horror! But, this is what I am talking about and gosh darn it - I am doing all I can to go to the next one! Fear-Mongers: Fireside Chats about Horror Films
Fear Mongers

And it begins...again...While you were in....

2011-03-15T12:24:00.000-04:00

My blog has been getting quite a bit of attention from spam. From this, I realized either I needed to shut this down or try and re-connect with my writing here.

What to write, what to write, what to write....

So, I decided to shut this down. OK. I mean, this blog stared out as one thing, I tried something else, I didn't want it to be this to be a wasteland of emotions. So I tried to post more stories, make this a place to share experiences. Then, my life got personal.

And I got busy. And on that note.

I get this a lot. "Steph, you are so busy. You are always doing something." My answer is usually a vibrant yes, things are going well. A "Uh-Huh"with an emphasis on the "Uh". Or, it is the "Uh-huh" with the notes going down on the "Huh". The too busy with good things, but boy I could use a break.

I am beginning to do a big purge and found some old papers for a corporate media company that I used to work for where I wrote a monthly column called "While You Were In". A column where I wrote about my "alter" life, nothing fancy, just that I went out did things other than just go home to a family or a glowie TV. Where, I went out to concerts and shows that were either main stream or independent. From my first column of the Flaming Lips Headphone Tour to my meeting of Kurt Vonnegut at a Barnes and Noble reading. I enjoyed writing them, I enjoyed the reception I got from them and I enjoyed when people would say my articles got people out doing things.

I hope my blog is at times a place where I do go back to my stories of life, but for now....here you are...the first....While You Were In

Whedonistas! at Way Station

It's Monday night in my neighborhood and I had the opportunity to see readings from a new book of Joss Whedon fans at my new neighborhood bar, The Way Station. "Whedonistas! A Celebration of the Worlds of Joss Whedon by the Women Who Love Them" (coming out today, Tuesday, March 15).

First, I do have a bias regarding this event, my friend Teresa Jusino had written an essay in the book and organized the event, so my going was two fold, someone I knew and it was in my neighborhood.

The evening, for me is best described as running into an old friend on a random street and talking about a significant time frame that only the two of you would know. Then find yourself thinking, wow, I'm glad I'm not the only one.

All the writers who got up to read their excerpts of their essays from the book talked about their love for Joss Whedon in their way, and how they had not discovered Joss's work until late in the Buffy/Angel/Firefly fandom. Which I was one of those fans. Coming in late to the game. And, how they were brought to his work not by happenstance, but because a significant other, roommate, good friend was so immersed in the shows.

They reminded me of a love for a writer that I visit on multiple occasions. In fact, at this point in time, I am finally making my way through Angel. A series I could not get through due to a certain actress that, well couldn't stand to watch her act (sorry Charisma). I am powering through and looking forward to the episodes I have seen and really like.

This of course inspired me to think about my story about my run in with Joss, my short essay if you will, starts with a night where me and my husband at the time came home from work or an early night in and turned on the TV on a random Tuesday night. We had cable and of course, nothing seemed to be on. We happened upon an episode of Buffy in Season 4, their first year of college (I believe it was "The Freshman"). We of course recognized this TV show. We had tried to watch it back in the day and couldn't really understand why anyone would like this. This was back in the first season of the show when the show was trying to figure out what it was and seemed to have this "after school show" feeling to it.

We laughed how this episode felt like a soap opera for the younger generation and decided to just keep watching for the fun of it. As we tried to make fun of this geek show, we realized we were no longer really talking and just watching. Let's just say from there, we watched every episode (to the point I made Tuesday night a conflict on band rehearsals) and watched marathon's attempting to catch up. Luckily, DVD's of TV shows are popular and for the next few years I received seasons of Buffy for holidays and birthdays.

Granted, I had a very small knowledge of Joss through "Aliens: Resurrection". I know he was not happy with the final outcome of said movie. And, I may just be one person in this, but it is one of my favorite in the series, since the first Alien, for the dialogue alone.

So this evening was a surprise hit and good time for me for...

These women reminded me of my love of this man's story telling. I was one of the few that tried to watch Firefly the way Fox aired (or more to the point, eh-hum, raped it) on television and wrote a letter to the network telling them they were, in so many words, killing art in it's finest form. (Granted I am a geek and a space western is pretty much where I peak. Awesome.)

They reminded me that I am not the only one who came to Joss, as a late fan. But still love his work all the same as those that were on the sidelines from the beginning singing his praises.

They reminded me that he was one of prevalent writers in the writers strike, fighting for the rights and still attempting to do his art, for art sake with "Doctor Horrible's Sing A long Blog".

They reminded me that he is a fighter for women's rights, not only in his writing of some of the ultimate heroine's and female characters, but in his support of Equality Now.

If you are a Joss Whedon fan, I really think you will like this book. From what I heard, it really brings a nostalgic feeling and new found love and a camaraderie to his work that I had forgotten existed.

Thank you gals and guys a like for celebrating a writer and a fan.

Happy Turkey Day!

2010-11-24T12:23:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And, as I said as a tot on a Thanksgiving art project for school - "I hope the turkey has a good time getting ate." Grammar, spelling, not my forte.

Hope to have a things I am thankful for - shamless plug pretty much in the next few days.

It's good to be back. :)

Phantom Pain Remembered

2010-11-03T11:08:00.000-04:00

Have you ever woke up from a dream with a short of hallow pain in your chest trying to figure out what it is or what triggered that? How about a smell or walking down a street and not so much a memory, but a feeling? I am sure you have. Why am I asking?

Well, after months of writer's block and/or partial blog writing, this song came on and a memory, no a feeling came over me. Something I didn't realize was gone until now. The bitter hopelessness of life. A hallow place in my heart, sometimes not hallow, but filled with pain. A feeling I have had for a very long time.

The song that came on and triggered: "How to Save A Life" from the Fray. Now, the story and the feeling are attached to something that is not a public story, so I am not going to get into the details and I hope I do not offend by just writing what I am publicly writing now. But, this song was on repeat from Dec. 2006 for about a year. It steadied me somehow. It reminded me that situations, no matter how much they get out of hand, the people in the situation should do their best to work to a place where they can see each other again, in social situations or just run into each other on the street again, be able to say hi and remember that once there was something great there, but not anymore. And share the life with each other they have now. That was at least the "grown-up" thing I believed should be done.

Since then, I have gone through multiple emotional trials regarding this situation. And, other situations, particularly those of lost have come into my life. From my father dying to a friend and I not seeing eye to eye and going our separate ways.

This song reminds me of one night in particular. And, I have probably heard it a dozen times in the past few years, but today for some odd reason, it hit. The chill in the air maybe coupled with this song? Maybe there was a smell in there as well. Regardless, I was back to November 2006, but instead of that pure wrenching pain that was there, a sort of phantom pain emerged.

I believe I know what it means to loose a limb and go to itch a scratch that is not there now. And, here is the revelation. That pain...is not there.

When did this happen? I don't remember a sigh of relief? I don't remember accepting that this pain go away. I don't remember the doctor saying, we are going to amputate.

So, I decided after feeling that, to listen to this song while writing this entry. And really remembering for a moment, just how horrible I could feel. How horrible I felt. Remembering just wanting so bad to get through that situation to move on to hope again and life and love. Wanting to believe that, that could happen. And since then, I have been living in some sort of hopelessness, one way or the other.

Well not since that time, but on and off. I hope that I have been crawling out of this hole in a steady uphill motion for awhile now. And, this past month has given me so many blessings and good things heaped on top of a pretty spectacular life leading to good feelings. And, I am really able to enjoy them, for what feels like the first time in a long time.

So, why go back and experience a pain? Good question.

To remember that this was part of me in my life for a short part of my life. This was not a limb, but a growth that had popped up one day. It's time for removal came and it was gone. Or maybe just fell off. It's grown up and out and off. But, just like a part of my body that was there and is now gone, I will ever so often be reminded and need to scratch.

Welcome back blog. I've missed you.

Writer's Block - Blog will be on Hiatus

2010-04-26T11:58:00.001-04:00

What a sad little blog.

I keep coming to my blog posts to edit and put up a posting. I have 4 halfway done postings. But, there they sit. Collecting dust.

I am not able to finish them.

Every time I go to write, I get halfway through it and this black curtain falls down around my thoughts. Like someone pulling down a screen to show a presentation, however, this screen is black. Unless everything was white, it would not show.

And, it never goes back up again.

I re-open these postings and there it goes again, the black screen falling over my thoughts. I don't even know how I can keep going with that particular posting. It was started at one point, with thoughts and life. Now there's just faint slow beeps of a dying post.

I stopped going to my posting page and tried doing my blogs in word docs. Nope, no good. Black screen descends.

So, for all 2 of you that read my blog or follow it, just going to ask you for you patience and your help in wishing this writer's block to go away.

So, until further notice, technical difficulties is prohibiting this blog to continue.

Second Part Of My Thrilling Adventure! Self Producing

2010-01-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

So, as I have noticed, my friend, co-hort and member in the key of Nosedive, Lil Jimmy Comtois, has been barrelling through his blogs on self-producing. And, they are really awesome. Take a gander: http://jamespeak.blogspot.com/

But, he also has a lot more time than I do. I have a boss that sneaks up behind me at work. He does not.

Back to the journey.

I got accepted into Fight Fest and told I will perform during one of the Cabaret nights. So, not only am I in, I only have one chance to make it work. Seriously, no pressure.

I then begin to fret about finances. I will be fitting the bill all on my own. But, I realize that if I can save $100 or so a month, I may be able to pull it off like I envisioned. However, I start crunching numbers and the costumes alone could eat up more than 1/2 my budget. Then, there is rehearsal space, building the zombie rigs - and all of this for a 10 minute piece. I began to think that maybe I should pull out. Besides all the money I am going to be dumping into it, I have pretty much guaranteed myself that I would not have a break until after the December holidays. This is a long time for me seeing that I hadn't really had a break since February at this point and summer was here.

Of course I decide to do it. Being honest here - I went in kicking and screaming the whole time. It was so overwhelming. I try to pride myself on my amazing organizational skills and being able to take a project and break it down. I was letting the big picture overwhelm me and finding the one piece that wouldn't work and trying to quit.

As I write all of this, I realize that a lot of my frustrations and fear was not alien to me. This is all stuff I had gone through with other theatre companies, producing with Nosedive, etc. Just this time I was doing it alone and it felt, oh so very alone. People could give me advice or when I was panicking about something trivial that I had dealt with in the past, giving me the confused sidways glance. But there was no one who was truly devoted to this project as much as me. There was no one cracking the whip or giving me reminders to do things like I have for years with others. I had to remember to do it all. I had to be the one asking for help.

And there's the kicker folks. Asking for help. I suck at it.

But, I got it done. I did eventually really start relying on the kindness of friends and strangers (who are now friends) and getting it done. And, having a much bigger success that I could have imagined. A full house on a blizzard night. What more could you ask for? And, the performance being perfect. It was one of the greater nights of my life.

So, thank you to all who helped, thank you Brick for accepting me. It was a great challenge and success.

I'm actually going to stop writing about self-producing. Tons of people are doing that now. I have something else to write about...you'll see.

My Life With the Thrill Kill....

2010-01-08T14:46:00.001-05:00

no, not really. But, I did get your attention didn't I?

Here is my first attempt at blogging once a week (or once a month) as I promised myself. This, like everyone's more gym/eat better/drink less/quit smoking resolutions, will probably only last 1 to 2 months. But, here's hoping.

Now, one topic I promised was to continue to take you on my journey of self producing which seems to be a topic that is going around. Check out Jamespeak http://jamespeak.blogspot.com/ and all his subsequent links to the same topic.

Like I had said in a previous post - I have done this with training wheels on incorporation with Nosedive and St. Luke's Gingerbread Players. This time, except for the need to use Nosedive's name for little clerical things, I was going in head first, start to finish, my own project. I am now going to share some brief tidbits of mostly my feelings, some notes, over the course of time it took from creation to performance. Cause, as I said above, you can check out the nuts and bolts of self producing above and I am hopefully going to publish my Independent Producing book on my blog in the next few.

March: Began really thinking about my zombie piece and while walking to a friend's apartment in Astoria, "Come Alive" by the Foo Fighters came on my Ipod. An idea began to take form. It's a bit of a walk, so I just kept repeating the song until the scene took complete form. This is the scene where I introduce my heroine. I figure out there is going to be a heroine.

March/April: While beginning pre-production work on Infectious Opportunity, I keep thinking about my piece. I get wind of the "Fight Fest" that will be happening sometime in December. The scene I came up with was mostly fight. I decide to enter.

However, the whole thing is still in my head. Over the next weeks I attempt to get this little scene down on paper. I finally sit down to write it. With a glass of whiskey. The idea that no one will like it or understand it looms over my head the whole time. I get it done, I send it out to some friends, they come back with minor changes. I'm done.

Next, because this is a festival, I have to fill out an application and, uh-oh, send in a representation of my work. All the things I have directed have never made it to video. Except Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and this is Fight Fest, so I don't think that is going to do. I get Pete to give me the only copy we have left of the Blood Brother's videos that does have some pieces I help create and direct. It gets sent off.

May/June: ....still waiting to see if I got in. The fear and fretting begins to build. I begin to believe that the whole thing is a catch 22 - if I don't get in, it will be really sad, but I will just go on with writing the darn thing without a "test" scene. If I do get in, will I be able to pull off my vision and will people get it.

More later...

Better Luck Next Year?

2009-12-31T10:19:00.000-05:00

I did say I was going to post more about self producing didn't I? Darn it. Well, I can get back to that. Then again, that is pretty much what I have said all year - 'more on that later', 'stay tuned next time', 'part 2 in next post'. Some I followed through on, but most I did not. I am sorry readers.

And, I have been really bad about posting. Again, I apologize.

However, there are tons of other blogs out there for you to read, so I am sure you didn't notice at this little corner of blogsphere my tardiness in posting. Anything. At all.

So, I decided to finish out this year with the broken promises of posts past and only hope I can get better next year:

"And, I hope to have some pictures up soon from Christmas."
"I have so many posts in draft form that I need to do. I will have them up soon."
My update that part one went up in August. The other, September.
And, last but not least: My Journey into producing - that I never finished.

So, when it comes to this blog for 2009, I guess a lot of it was unfinished works. And, my posting once a week also went out with the bathwater. And, the baby.

Hmmm. Well, let's see what next year brings. I know 2 things I want to do. Finish up my notes on the self-producing end and my Canada trip. Hopefully I can post those before February. :)

Hope your 2010 is bright.

Fight Fest and My Walk Into Self-Producing

2009-12-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

Well, since I have been with Nosedive, I can say I have been producing both creatively and financially for the last 5 years. However, now with a little help from my friends, I am starting a journey to self-producing my short length piece in Fight Fest and on to a full length as well in the next couple of years.

Awhile back, I was whining. (Not a good Cabernet or Pinot Nior.) Really crappy whining. I wasn't feeling as creative or really owning anything creative I was doing in the theater-sphere. And, my jonesing for acting and/or directing was hitting an all new high. I had gone a year without going onstage for anything. Now, I know this happens a lot. Creative ruts and all. But, instead of everyone telling me to grin and bear it and it will come to pass, people said - why don't you just make something of your own.

I was finishing up reading "World War Z" and thought how cool it would be to put this on stage. I started going through the book, writing down what I would want in, what could be spliced together. What would the locations be and how to accomplish that.

A few months later, a friend of mine told me that the book was becoming a movie. My heart sunk. And, I pretty much gave up.

One night after "Blood Brother's Present...Master of Horror", I was having a drink with the lovely and talented Sara Thigpen. We were talking about the show when she asked a very poignient question - so Stephanie, what are you doing next. I started to talk about Nosedive things and she said again, what about you. I began to talk to her about my aspirations and then about my idea for making this zombie book into a play, but that wouldn't work because it is going to be a movie. She then said - why don't you keep the zombie idea and just make up something different.

I then told Pete about it who agreed with Sarah's thinking completely. I told him about my ideas about using a character I had come up with a while back that I thought would be better for a comic book, but it made sense here too. He thought it sounded great and that I should work on that.

So, for the next few months, I began to start thinking about this show. One day while walking from the train to a friend's house, the song, "Come Alive" by the Foo Fighters came on my IPod and a whole scene began to play in my head. I realized this was the scene where our heroine gets up and fights and in a sense, is created. I listened to that song on repeat, all the way home on the train and figured out how the whole scene would work.

Then, a festival was announced - Fight Fest, at the Brick. I realized, if I could get in this, then I could show this scene and see if it worked, talk more about my idea, see if there are any writers out there that would like to help me out. See if anyone was interested in helping produce this. Etc., Etc. I decided to enter. This also forced me to really start writing it out. Instead of letting it just rattle around in my head any longer.

I wrote it out and sent it to Pete, Patrick, Ben and James who all gave their 2 cents. And, a big thanks to them because I don't know if I would have entered at all if it weren't for them. I say I am "self-producing" this. However, I know that these guys are always close around to help out when necessary.

I am now 2 weeks out from the performance. And I am excited to see what will be happening next.

More on that in another post.

And you will know them as… The Unpronounceable…

2009-11-15T21:40:00.000-05:00

I remember getting a phone call around midnight on some new year’s eve, had to be around 8 years ago now, from a friend who had played a gig with a band I was in at the time called “AJ Cope and the Yankee Peach”. I was out in Phoenix at the time with my at that time husband. I was expecting the normal – Happy New Year’s call and a report of how the gig went without me. Instead of Happy New Year’s greetings the first thing out of her mouth was – “You have to see this band! I believe they are called something unpronounceable?”

Jorge Beefalo, Chet Beefalo, Chip Beefalo and at that time Chuck Beefalo, made up the Beefalo Brother’s better known as the band, The Unpronounceable. And, they became one of my favorite bands to go see in NYC.

I am much more pickier about my music than I am my movies. I can pretty much throw any bit of B, C, or Z grade awful movie on the tube and get through it for the most part. But, music. I will walk out on bad music. And, bad music – not in respect to their style in particular, but a shoty, ½ assed or scattered performance.

Now you know where I am coming from.

I had been acquainted with the infamous Frank Wood while working with the Yankee Peach. He is a promoter and booker with most of the live music bars in NYC. And, he had found The Unpronounceable and wanted the world to see these guys.

I have a special place in my heart for rock-a-billy. And, a special place for the upright bass. And, love when I hear a song, then realize it is a cover with the band’s own special “sauce” thrown into. This band had it all.

So, first off, musicianship. Everyone, except I believe the drummer, played all the instruments. And, it wasn’t one of those situations where you saw in the liner notes or a point of bragging during the performance. After a few songs, everyone would trade out instruments like they were passing a favorite dish at dinner. Pass the upright bass, please or maybe they should invest in a Lazy Susan? And, again, this was not just for show, each person played the instrument in their hands as of they had only studied that one their whole life.

They also know how to write a good song. I can compare them to master chiefs, the right amount verses and chorus with just a pinch of a mini-jam to add flavor. Like Big Star without the pretension. If you take a listen to their older stuff, you can hear that they were really trying to perfect their recipe for the good song. It just got better throughout the years.

And, they know how to make a cover song sound like their own. And, I got to experience this first hand doing the “Hooternanny” at the Pussy Cat Lounge Rock Club. It was a “bitch” night of sorts, where female lead singers/singers from the NYC rock scene were invited to come and sing a couple of cover songs with a backing band. And, the backing band was the Unpronounceable. Now, they would do a straight cover it you preferred. But, the call I always loved was, “So we have some ideas on how to do this. Can you see this ballad as uptempo?” Or, my favorite, “this pop song more bluegrass?” And no song was too much for them to at least try. I asked to do “Whipping Post” one time. If I remember correctly, Whipping Post has to have at least 7 people playing different instruments for it to work. These guys said it was going to be difficult, but they would try. They did just fine. My favorite one I sang with them was probably “Dream On” with a banjo and sped up slightly and a much more blue grass feel.

And, they use an old style microphone. It’s very sexy.

Last Wednesday, I was given a chance to see these guys one last time. They had broken up for 18 months, Mr. Frank Wood asked them to get together to play for his birthday. And, they did. I shortened/canceled all plans to see these guys that night. I was magical.

I walked in to Otto’s Shrunken Head and it felt like not a year had passed since I left this scene.

I couldn’t believe I was seeing these guys play again. It was awesome. And, it seemed like not one day had gone by since they played. They swapped instruments, Jorge’s voice was the same, the songs were performed to almost perfection (their drummer was the only challenge for them, then again, he had some large shoes to fill and had not been playing with them very long from what I was told).

The show got done and I got to catch up with all of them. Hearing about their kids or new kids. Their lives now, where they are going. Then, they al had to go to get back home to relieve their baby sitters. I realized how much time had passed, gathered my things, said goodbye to go back out to the world that I now live in. A little bit happier for the moment.

Update Part 2!!!!

2009-08-08T23:32:00.000-04:00

So, I now have rehearsals for "Fight Girl, Battle World", I need to start learning the parts from "Infectious Opportunity" and try to keep on top of the OSM award with the NY IT Awards. I begin scheduling my time like a surgeon. When exactly can I hop online, when can I look over my lines, when I can say my lines out loud, when can I look over all my old sound cues from "Fight Girl...", when can I clean or tidy my apartment so I can find things in a hurry, when can I do costumes for my characters for "Infectious", when can I schedule a meet up with my OSM team.

I don't know how I did it, but I did. The days of getting my Master's was coming back to me and I just needed to push on through.

I began juggling everything. Exactly when could I find time to look over lines that was not on the subway. I began running my lines in my head at Fight Girl Rehearsals. I had to eventually stop that as I needed to listen to Abby call the cues. Why is that you might ask? Abby was pregnant and coming to term, so there was a very small chance that I could be running the show once we got into performances. Abby always told me, don't worry, it is a long shot. Don't worry. But, I like to be a little prepared, so I stopped running lines during rehearsals and just did them during the 10 minute breaks from time to time.

It was a rough couple of weeks. 9 to 5 job then going to 6:30 to 10:30 rehearsal, then coming home and working on lines, working on the show, going to bed, get up the next day and repeat.

I had my first rehearsal with Infectious. I was really nervous. I mean, here was this great, talented cast of actors and then there was me. I haven't been on stage in a year. These guys are pros. And, I was taking over for a very talented actor and roles that people had really come to love. The rehearsal started off and I was terrified. What would they think of me? Pete told me to hold my script, would they think I hadn't been looking at my lines? What if I decided to go off book and call line? What if I just couldn't act my way out of a paper bag? By the by, it went fine. After we really started cooking, I felt like I found my footing again and all was well with the world. And, it was really fun.

Then we went into Tech for Fight Girl and did the first show. I got to paint the texture on the set - the orange burn blasts. I felt pretty darn good about that. The show itself was great, it was fun, I only messed up a couple of sound cues, but for the most part, I felt grand. Abby was back in the captain's chair and I was riding co-pilot. I now could just go and do my job for that show and start concentrating on Infectious. However, I was exhausted by this point so the first night I attempted to discuss costumes with Pete, I just found myself pulling half of my closet out onto my bed and began painstakingly describing all of my options via phone. Didn't really work. I told him maybe this would work better with him there seeing the costumes - duh. I then proceeded to go to bed.

The next day, work as usual, me extremely tired and then I got a phone call from Abby around 4pm. I get emails from Abby. I get text messages from Abby. I seldom get a phone call from Abby unless it is something semi-urgent. Gulp.

Abby tells me that she is going to the hospital due to high blood pressure and that she hopes she can make it to the show to run it, but wants me to be prepared if she can't. Now, on one hand, I hope that it is nothing and she can make to the show, cause by the by-I've never actually "called" a show. I have run lights and sound simultaneously, I have run lights with a co-pilot running their own sound a time or two. But, never, have I been in charge of making sure everything, even things I don't physically run, runs perfectly - this is including cue lights for different things. A minor panic runs through me. However, Abby is going to the hospital. Of course, my worry and concern for my friend and of course, her baby she is carrying and her husband all come to the fore front and I realize what I have to do.

I'll be damned if this women carrying a precious being in her is going to run a show after a trip to the hospital. So, I guess it's time for me to learn a new skill-calling a show.

I find out by the time I get to the space that Abby has been admitted to the hospital. Now my worry for her cranks up. My worry for the cast and crew of how they are going to accept this news. Their worry for their friend and for their show. The whole cast rides the waves like pros. And, give me their full faith that I was going to do a great job.

Abby had also told me I would do great and that I had nothing to worry about. But, of course, I was worried. I loved this show and the cast and the whole sha-bang. Oh, and did I mention - it was sold out for the run, so there's that whole full house thing too.

My worries subsided some when I found out that Patrick, who designed the sound for the show (and got nominated for a NY IT Award for it) was coming to take my place in running the sound as I called the show. A very trusty co-pilot. Life was looking up.

My first time through, my pulse was pumping like a sub-woofer through my whole body. I am sure if you looked closely, you could see every vein pulsating. I also had not been on a computerized lighting board since college - usually I work on a 2 scene pre-set. But, 2 seconds of overview and everything was easy peasy, lemon squeezy. It was just the calling that scared me to death. After the opening, the hairy craziness of the the first scene, my pulse began to slow down and I began to find the rhythm. The rest of the run was great - a few miss calls, a couple of times of darkness on stage, but all in all, everything was OK. And, I came to find out that calling a show was really fun.

Also, in case you have been in a cave, Abby had her baby. He's adorable. Mommy, daddy and baby are all well. It's a wonderful thing.

So, we closed Fight Girl, and I went in the next day for my first performance with "Infectious Opportunity". I had to tell all the Vampire Cowboys I couldn't be at strike. First strike I have missed....um...I think ever. But, I believe it was a good enough excuse.

We did a run through prior to the performance and then I had to go on. In front of my peers. In front of people who knew and loved this show. Again, the pulse started to raise, except this time, I knew I had to keep it under control - people would be watching. And, would also see my whole body vibrating. A few slow breaths, lights went out and "show time." I felt I did a really decent job. Of course, I am going to be my own worse critic, so I am going to try and focus on the positives. Of course, as I write this, about 10 negative things come with every positive, but I will self edit. Here goes:

I definitely got all the lines out. I felt I met the challenges and moved on through. I also felt I brought differences - nothing better than Ronica did - but differences to the roles, that were fun and I hope enjoyed by the audience.

During this time, I also got a call from Shay Gines of the NY Innovative Theatre Awards asking if I would like to announce some nominees at the IT Awards nomination party on Monday night. I said sure. The candle had been burning at both ends with another candle attached across the top, also burning at both ends. I could add one more flame - sure.

The night of the nominations came and by now, my pulse no longer beat like a thousand drums, it just sort of went about at it's normal pace. I announced, I chatted, I had a great time. And, again, got to be around an incredible group of amazing talent.

On the Outstanding Stage Manager Award, flights of emails went back and forth during this busy time. We have a great group of professionals that are ready to get together and vote. We are still working out the details as I speak.

That's it folks. I guess this really was a "what did I do with my summer vacation"? I have come to realize how lucky I am for one, every instance I was given, I was able to hang out, talk with and work with amazing talented people who are also just some of the best people around. And of course the ever pursuit of Independent Theatre, people, Independent Theatre.

Update!!!

2009-07-23T14:37:00.001-04:00

What?

No posts since June?

Where have I been? Have you missed me? I've missed me.

Tuesday night after our last show, I was having a celebratory drink at the ever popular Alligator lounge when I just let myself relax and bend from the waist, head down and let out a large SIGH. To this my friends said - Aw, you've had a hard week. I replied - it's been a hard month.

But, these are the kind of problems we WANT to have, right?

Let me catch you up.

The beginning of June, the much anticipated, "Infectious Opportunity" went up in the Brick's Anti-Depressant festival. Probably one of the smoothest tech to 1st performance Nosedive has ever had and we only had 4 hours in the space for our "tech". I was highly impressed with our actors, our set designers and our people. On no money (about a grand, but really, who does that anymore), we were able to put together a clean and amazing show. All of our work was done in-house and we succeeded in working with our set a week before we went into the space. And, all the actors in this piece were just top notch. Amazing, talented, natural, good comic timing, I could go on. What a great group of people. The first 2 shows were well received and we couldn't wait to do the other 2.

First two shows down, now we have 3 weeks off. Well, my crew does - I do not. I then go into consulting on blood effects for "Twin Towers", by Damian Wampler. I was only able to instruct and tell them what to do. I was not able to make the items and instruct them on how to do create the effects on stage. I went to their dress rehearsal and was really impressed that they figured things out on their own. I went to see the show and of course, this was the night when everything with my effects could go wrong did. I was able to make the effects for them for the last show and I heard it went great.

Also during this time I got a call from Dave Gilbert who asked me to come back and "revive" my character in Blackwell Convergence, his video game series. Funny enough, my character died in the last version and I was coming back as a ghost. He also asked me to do another character since I was there. I really enjoy doing voices and voice over work. Pretty much as exciting as getting on stage. You can get the game here: http://www.wadjeteyegames.com/convergence.htm

Now, it was time for me to start work on "Fight Girl, Battle World" as an ASM and Sound Board Op and gear up for the next two performances of "Infectious Opportunity" and we got extended for 2 more performances 3 more weeks after that. Oh, and the New York Innovative Theatre Awards was coming up on the deadline for all submissions to the Outstanding Stage Manager Award. How could it be that all these things were happening at once? Oh well, definitely manageable. Wait, just wait.

"Hey Steph, Ronika can't do her roles in the extension and no one else is free. Would you like to take on her roles?"

"Sure, yeah!" I say.

Frack Me....

To be continued.......

Award For Stage Managers? Is That Even Possible?

2009-06-25T11:32:00.000-04:00

Well, we are about to find out.

This is definitely something I have thought about for a long time. There are so many awards for so many facets of the theater production, but nothing for a Stage Manager. A lot of people said that it is impossible and here are a few reasons why:

1. A Stage Manager does more than write stage directions, organize the show and call time prior to curtain. Yes, someone at one point told me that was all a Stage Manager did. Oh, and sometimes run board and lights or "Call the Show" - which means calling cues out to the board ops and sometimes to the actors, etc backstage. Here is a small list of all that a stage manager can be and more than likely is during an independent theatre piece: an Administrative Assistant, a Project Manager, a Personal Assistant to the Director, an Organizer, a Craftsman, a Referee, a Partner, a Producer, a Facilitator, a Parental Figure, a "MacGuyver", a Costume Designer, a Seamstress, a Props Designer, a Janitor, a Laundry Service, a Publicity Person, a Board Op, a Computer Programer, a Multi-disiciplinary Artist, a Box Office Manager, etc., I could just keep going.
2. A Stage Manager is like a ninja - they keep the show moving and make sure that everything works, without any one person knowing exactly what they did. Cause, if everyone knew what they did, then they would also know of all the things that weren't working and one of the main jobs of the Stage Manager is to keep everyone working at the top of their game with as little stress as possible.
3. A Stage Manager doesn't always get the credit for all they do. Because they are like ninjas.

So, right there are at least 3 reasons why this is a really hard category to judge. It all comes down to, how do you judge a ninja? OK, I'm just kidding. But, seriously - how do you judge this type of work?

Well, I am proud to report that the New York Innovative Theatre Awards (the IT Awards) is going to do just that. And, with me working along side them. Can we just say - Yikes!

I do admit, it is going to be a challenge, but I am so excited and so honored to be a part of what is probably, the first Stage Management Award ever given.

I hope over the next few weeks to give updates about how the process is going and what is happening. We have a committee of very talented theatre professionals, the Outstanding Stage Management Award page is up on the NY IT Award site, applications are coming in. So, far, so good.

Here are some links for you to check out. Oh and if you can believe this, on the week that the IT Awards announced the award, this article came out. It is as if the fates are smiling on us...and probably saying, about damn time.

Here is more information:
http://www.nyitawards.blogspot.com/
http://broadwayworld.com/article/NYITF_Creates_Innovative_Theatre_Award_To_Honor_Outstanding_Stage_Management_20090615

So Many Drafts, So Little Posts

2009-05-15T15:21:00.000-04:00

I just have to say, life definitely cranked up a notch.

I went from going to the 9 to 5, then going to a show, movie, home, what have you, back into the craziness of theatre. Again.

Don't get me wrong - I love it. It gets really overwhelming when it all descends at once. And, even though I was having some time off recently, I was still in a 6 hour stage combat class weekly. That kicked my ass. Literally.

Hence, why I have not been blogging as much. Also, I have been suffering from some major writer's block. As the title implores - started a lot of posts, just never got to them.

I had a post on Augusto Boal, but after almost a week of not finishing it, I realized it will just go to that draft folder in the sky. I also had a post on Stone Soup's show "What Happens to Women Here" (which was very good and big congrats to that crew and Ben Trawick-Smith for putting together an intelligent and enjoyable show.) I am also in the process of writing a short post on my Wilmington, NC trip, which will probably be mostly pics - I rode a friggin' mechanical bull people.

So, I just decided to update this short little post about veins. That's right veins. Probably because I just finished sending off ideas for blood effects on an upcoming show (more to follow on that- if time permits). But, here goes.

Let's go back a few weeks - right after my prior post of crawling out of the grave (I probably didn't have swine flu - I basically had pneumonia - maybe it was a more general Suidae flu prior to the pneumonia.)

I have started to go back to the gym, a habit that I had not followed for about 3 weeks and it was slow going. The first time back, I just decided to use the hot tub after over doing it in Rapid Vamps fight class. However, a few days later, I did a few laps in the pool, then hot tub, then went to the Eucalyptus Room. A sauna that uses Eucalyptus oils along with the heat. You are also provided a spray bottle to add a little extra oil. After having trouble breathing for a few days, this room sounded like a great idea. Just lay back, relax, and breathe some really calming and healing air.

The room is lit by red lights - probably where some of the heat is generated. It definitely gives the feeling that you are sitting under the sun. With my eyes closed, I felt like I might actually be getting a tan.

This day, since I didn't have as much time as I liked, I decided to just run in, sit down, breathe some good air, then run out. No real relaxing and pseudo tanning.

Got my towels all placed on the wood slats, had a sit down and just focused on a spot right in front of me. As I was bringing in my focus, I noticed something on my arms. I thought maybe my bathing suit, which is black, may have been bleeding for some odd reason. I brought my focus to my arms and realized - this wasn't on top of my skin, this was underneath my skin. I could see almost all of my veins. The big ones were noticeable first - a ghostly blue, then the smaller ones were running from one to another to another. I looked at my legs - oh my gosh - there are veins all over my legs too.

I know I have veins. I know that I can see the majority of them. But, this was like seeing them, almost pulsing. Like in "Interview With A Vampire", or a lot of vampire type genre movies - they went from not being semi -seen, to all looking at a medial text book.

I did start to think - was this because I was so sick? Was this a reaction to the medicine?

I put 2 and 2 together and blamed it on the red lights and the fact that I am so ridiculously pale right now. Gone are the days of going outside as soon as it warmed up to soak in the sun, due to theatre activities and the danger of sun over-exposure. However, it was really fun to think for a second that something biological had changed due to the illness or medication. Or maybe I was just turning into a vampire. Another guy walked in so, I tired to casually look over to see if I could see his veins. Nope. OK, so not Vampire, but I was just a very pale girl with very blue blood that day.

Or maybe this is just the start of my super powers?

Since then, my veins have just been normal. Which is good, seeing how busy I am getting. Could you imagine? Getting some weird vampire virus or super powers now? I have enough on my plate, thank you.

Crawling Out of The Grave

2009-04-21T09:23:00.000-04:00

I was really sick.

I was the kind of sick that when you are marginally better, you feel 100% improvement.

I have not been this sick in a year.

OK, there was the week after my birthday when I could barely get out of bed for 2 days, but that was the flu. This was bacterial infection, pneumonia, whatever. It sucked and pretty much sucked the life out of me for a week. But, I am coming back. For all 3 of you who have missed me posting, worry not! I am back! And, had a few brainstorms last night before going to bed about what I am going to write about.

I was chatting with a friend last night, about my current recovery from this nastiness and came up with a revelation. I told him, "I think I may sometimes confuse laziness for exhaustion. Maybe this is why I am sick all the time." He answered back "Mayhaps".

After a show or a long push on multiple projects, I will find myself sitting on a couch watching multiple movies and/or catching up on TV shows, what have you. This feels like such a guilty pleasure. I'll put my phone somewhere I can't hear it and just decompress. I always feel like I am slacking off.

I really haven't done that in too long.

I find that recently, even when I do have a movie or TV show on, I will feel "lazy" and get up and clean or organize or work on a project. The first day I stayed home from work I re-organized my ITunes for hours. Didn't nap, I sat up on a computer for hours. The next day, thinking that I had slacked off the day before, I got home and did laundry (auditions for our upcoming show haven taken up my weekend), in...the...rain. Oh persevere and get through your chores!

Between Tuesday and Wednesday morning, I was snapped awake by the sound of my own wheezing and with what felt like something caught in my throat. Except, that it was my throat caught in my throat. Luckily (?) through many throat infections as a juvenile, I was able to force/swallow down some Advil and some antibiotics that I had kept and not taken from a previous illness.

I got up the next day and, foggy minded, called into work saying I would be in to work later that afternoon. Work called back and said "Stay home." This is the first time I ever heard them say that and I slept for pretty much the rest of the day.

I got up later, found the antibiotics I had taken the night before and found out they were expired. Well, in pharmacy terms, so I just kept taking my over the counter stuff and hoped for the best after some much needed rest. You see, I could only really walk to the couch and to my bed and to the bathroom that day. And, even that was like walking through molasses and for miles.

Next day, no improvement. All right, doctor time.

I'm not going to go into my frustrations at the clinic I went to. Cause, in the end, all worked out well and I was seen a lot quicker than I thought and, believe me, I really had nothing better to do than sit in the doctor's office because it was now apparent that I really couldn't move that much.

The doctor did the normal look about and then washed his hands. Then a couple of minutes later put on antibacterial lotion while staring at me. Was this a sign?

He asked when I needed to go back to work. I responded with tomorrow. He asked if I worked on the weekend. I responded not really. He said, good, then you are going back on Monday. Stay in bed or at least resting for the next 2 days.

Luckily the weather stayed cold to nasty and I didn't want to go outside. But by Saturday, I couldn't stand it anymore and ventured out. It was gorgeous outside and I took a deep breath, well as deep as I could. Coughed. Then enjoyed the sort walk to the grocery store and back.

I can definitely say I am improving. It feels like slow going, but compared to last week, I am feeling better. I am also not smoking. The thought of a cigarette sounds good for the craving, but the lungs say, heck no. I always talk to people who say, after pneumonia or awful bronchitis - that's it - no more. However, I see them a few weeks later smoking again. I'm saying we'll see. One thing I do know about myself is that I enjoy smoking. And keeping it to a minimum would be ideal. But, until there is a real reason to completely quit, I probably won't. But, so far - 10 days. And, until the day that I wake up and don't feel like I have smoked a pack of cigs, I won't be considering having one.

Or I may just stop. Who knows.

Now to writing down the other ideas I had for my blog postings!

Belly Full Of Happiness

2009-04-06T14:11:00.000-04:00

This is a post from December 2008 that never made it up. Since I am fighting some writers block , saw a really fun band last Thursday - the Supermajor, I thought I would dress up this one below from another great band night and call it a day. :)

What? What is that you say? Belly full of Happiness? What did you just digest that was so delectable that your tummy is smiling on the inside? I ate up a whole concert last night by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists.

I have a few people to thank for all this wonderfulness - Scott, Tim, Andrew WK, Ted Leo, Studio B, the NYC Cab company and the New Yorker.

First off, for the price of admission, a measly $23 (that's $20, plus $3 handling fee), I received - entrance to the concert, an open bar from 8pm to 9pm and a year's subscription to New York Magazine. Seeing that my admission to most shows I see now a days is anywhere between $18 to $20, plus the handling fee, this was a steal.

If you have not heard Ted Leo, I suggest you take a moment and go here. Don't worry....I'll wait.

Hmmmhmmmhmm, la, la, la, la.....

You all done?

Good, OK- they are not musical geniuses and yes, people can say that a lot of their music sounds the same - but whose doesn't anymore. When listening to an album of an artist, there tends to be a style, a sound, etc.

I listen to Ted Leo a lot when I am working out. It is peppy music that has a good driving beat - whether you are running or using an elliptical - you just want to keep on moving. It's also one of the few bands that gives me a skip in my step sometimes or a jolt of happiness in my belly - like they did last night.

So, the venue is in the no where of Brooklyn. You wouldn't even know it was a club. It is a large white building, doors that are more like panels that open up to the night. There was the large bouncer walking up and down the line proclaiming "If you haven't bought your tickets online, come see me." He was kind of intimidating and it was fun to watch us all cringe and thank goodness that we had bought our tickets prior, then deal with the scary bouncer. Ah, it wasn't that bad, but entertaining and a moment to bond with your fellow icicle line mates. It was cold!

Then we were let in, got good standing spots right near the stage. There is also live band Karaoke. Yes, I know, I am a little crazy for the Karaoke. Unfortunately, when I got in, the list was already full. Sadness, I so wanted to do "Since You Been Gone". Ted Leo does a cover of that too. :)

So, with free drinks in hand and DJ's playing, we began to watch the screen rotating pictures from past shows and people singing Karaoke, when Scott said, "Is that Tim?" Tim is an actor from a recent show Scott was in, a schoolmate of mine Rusty, produced called Stones In His Pockets. Anywho...Tim's picture of him screaming into the mic in rock star fashion had flashed on screen. We both did the nah, well maybe, no it has to be him thing. Scott took a picture and texted Tim. Yup, it was him and lo and behold, he was on his way to the show.

The band pretty much started on time - woo-hoo! 9:05 or so. Andrew WK, got up in his white jeans and white T-shirt and announced the festivities for the night - the raffle for a Flying J Gibson - yum, some shoes I had never heard of and the (single tear) Karaoke. Then, Ted Leo came out, guitars a-blazing.

I don't have the exact song list in my head, because the songs came one after the other after the other. It was exhilarating to watch a band go from one to another to another without a break. And, all of us in the audience, jumping up and down and dancing along. This is December and it's hotter than a July 4th up in this joint. Sweat going everywhere.

After the concert was over, we met up with Tim and had a couple of more drinks, discussed the concert and waited for the Karaoke participants to come on up. There were costumes that went along with this Karaoke (I believe one was an Aquaman costume, wish I could remember which song he sang) and some pretty fun renditions of songs. Again, really can't remember which ones. Then, a girl got up to sing "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure. Not that great - of course I remember the bad one. Then, she forgot the lyrics, 2x and just mumbled. That was our cue. It had been fun. The drinks flowed like water - in fact, got a couple of bottles of free vitamin water - and dancing and fun had ensued. Gosh darn if a good memory of a great night out was going to be ruined by singing poorly and forgetting the words to a Cure song? A song that you knew was going to be played, you got there super early, pushed your way to the line and got on the Karaoke list, just for you to forget it? Sigh. Away we went.

So, it was now time to find the bus and/or a cab in a near deserted area. As we were walking and chatting, a cab magically pulled up, out of no where and with little to no cars. Scott and I decided to split the $10 or so cost and away we went saying goodbye to Tim - who lived in the area.

Cabbie took the fastest route ever. A route I take to this day when coming from Williamsburg by cab. By passing Tillery and just getting you down the path that is right off my house. Scott and I parted ways and I went home to enjoy the after glow of a good effing concert. Like a good meal, my heart (and belly) was full of happiness.

There Was A Little Girl, Who Had A Little Curl, Right in the Middle of Her Forehead

2009-03-27T14:53:00.000-04:00

Thank you Longfellow.

This is the poem that was going through my head this morning as one little curl went bouncing along, straying from the rest of my hair and presenting itself right in the middle of my forehead. I have long hair, so this was both poignant and annoying.

I have had a very interesting week. Now, if I had written this post yesterday or even Wednesday, it would probably be entitled, worst week ever or burn, world, burn. But, giving myself sometime to breathe and look over it all, I can say - it is in the top 5 worst weeks - but only because it was peppered with some really, really good things making the bad things stick out like thorns on a rose.

Guess I'm going for prose today.

So, instead of the whole description of what has happened over the week (and that was really too much information for public viewing) I'm in a creative mood so I'm just going to give you a Haiku.

The sun on my face
Everything bursts around me
Rain cools and soothes burns

OK - maybe too vague and super cheesy. Let's try this.

Friday there was a miss-step, but all in all OK
Saturday was tired, but fun and joy abounded
Sunday and Monday I was the walking dead which wasn't fun at all
Tuesday is the day I experienced hockey for the very first time
What a feeling, the ice, the fights, the fun, the game, oh wow
Then I went home and another worst fear was visited
By someone coming in and invading my home
Leaving it in shambles, disarray and loss.
Wednesday was a bit of a blur and I walked with fire in my eyes
Got an official notice that I am still mulling about
Thursday was very painful - medical tests and all
But, Friday, today, it was OK
And, I'm starting to see pink after the fall.

Yeah, definitely not my best work. Feeling creative and it being good work is not a guarantee.

So, after thinking about my behavior and my want for blood after the whole ordeal, today with my curl on my forehead, reminded me: "When she was good, She was very good indeed, But when she was bad she was horrid."

As I said above, I had a lot of good things this week. My birthday party was amazing. I was overwhelmed by how many people came out and the mixture of people that were there. To those who were there and reading this, thank you, so, so much. And, to those who gave me birthday wishes and apologies that you couldn't make it - thank you so much. I am truly blessed by the presence of my friends in any way, shape or form.

But all that went out the window on Tuesday night, pretty much into this morning. I went to horridville the other day. I wanted the world to burn. The world that had given me so much, I wanted a cinder. I just had, had it. Someone coming in and robbing me and my roommate was the straw that just broke this old camel's back. These past 2 years have been hard. Roadblocks and heart ache a-go-go. And, this, just sent me over the edge.

But, my dad always said when I was horrid - "Did anyone say it was going to fair? Did anyone say it was going to fun? Bad things happen, for no other reason than they just do."

My roommate said this will make us stronger. I really hope so. I mean, I'm still here. I'm still standing. I'm still moving on. I guess that is a start.

Also got this as an I-Ching for today. Enjoy.

39: Temporary Obstacles
General Meaning: Have temporary obstacles been blocking your way? In the course of trying to reach a goal or to fulfill a personal ambition, obstructions inevitably present themselves. This is not always a bad thing. Obstacles, difficulties and even setbacks that are eventually overcome often turn into assets. Without irritating grains of sand, oysters would never make pearls.

The obstacles pointed to here are not permanent, yet they are in the way. As when a large boulder falls in the road, the best course of action is usually to go around it, rather than to try to move it out of the way. Temporary obstacles must be seen for what they are — temporary — and should not be allowed to take on too much significance.

A positive aspect of even the most difficult obstacle is that it may cause a person to turn inward, and gain greater depth and character. While the ignorant bemoan their fate and seek to blame their problems on others, the wise seek the cause of the problem within themselves. Through this type of introspection, obstacles become a means for personal growth and self-discovery.

Without air resistance, no plane would ever fly.

If you are facing temporary obstacles, try not to be overly concerned. Obstacles are a part of achieving every goal and furthering every undertaking. Setbacks and reverses can affect morale, but keeping up your self-confidence in the face of challenges is part of a successful solution to many of life's problems. Obstacles of short duration are best handled with a yielding attitude. Go around the rock, don't put your shoulder to it.

Just 5 more minutes......

2009-03-20T14:05:00.000-04:00

It could be exhaustion. It could be that spring is officially started, but not here yet. Whatever it is, I am exhausted and tired and want to sleep all the time.

I went to sleep last night at 10:30pm - very early for me - and slept through my alarm and woke up late at 7:30am. At work, I stare at my computer screen for moments on end feeling my eyelids shutting with no motivation to continue work. Then, CRASH, my eyes shut. The next thing I realize is the jerking of myself back to the conscience land. And, noticing that the clock is 5 minutes ahead from where it was when I crashed. During the whole run of Soul Samurai, this did not happen. Yeah, I was T-I-R-E-D, but I maintained.

I also think it might have to do with the beginning of Spring. And, the fact that Ms. Spring has been hitting the snooze alarm herself. It's in the 30's and it snowed this morning. But, it is sunny, so maybe Spring is a little tired too and wanting another few more minutes of sleep.

Of course, the world keeps turning and going and none of us are getting any younger.

Except for the few nightly things I did this week, I really just sat around and did nothing. Watched a lot of TV, got some naps in and re-made my indent on the couch. Oh that lovely couch, how I have missed you. However, in the back of my brain was the alarm going off of all the things I should be doing: cleaning my room (I did tidy for about an hour the other day), cleaning the house, organizing all my files that I haven't organized for 2 years, purchase or make a book shelf for all my stuff that is still in boxes-like books that I want to read, fix my Itunes, make an appointment for the Genius bar to look at my MAC and my Iphone - they aren't communicating that well, clean up my email boxes, go through my mail, working out more, doing yoga more, picking back up my guitar, go to a drum circle with my djembe, look into getting new headshots, working on a plethora of things for Nosedive.

Wow, that's a big list I just made. I am sure there is more, but wow.

I am, well, just...so...sleepy. And, again, my 2 year old tantrum child is wanting to stomp her feet and say - I don't wanna do anything. I also have a lot of events planned next week in the evening. It just doesn't seem to stop. Once I am done with one opportunity, even more pop up.

I do remind myself from time to time, that this is a good problem to have.

I could just have my TV, my couch and nothing else. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happy with just that. Coming home, relaxing, going to bed. And, of course, it sounds really, really nice, but I also know eventually I would get bored. I find myself, while watching movies, getting up and puddering around the house, working on a project, etc. Making food - which will defeat my goal of getting back into shape if I am not careful. I am a pretty good cook after all.

And, as much as I would like to be retired at times, I'm not. And, Spring, neither are you.

So, I'm going to hit the snooze for a couple of more days with our good friend Spring. Don't worry. We'll wake up soon.

Last Day of 2x Job - I Regret Nothing!

2009-03-13T10:40:00.000-04:00

When this downed economy hit, I was in a bit of a pickle. I had gotten to the place where I couldn't pay all my bills and actually live. For those of you who know me, besides plays, movies and the random night out, I was pretty much a hermit when I was not doing a show. Only to venture out to get a little sunlight- however, I was worried that they would start charging for that too. I got a little more cash for the holidays, got some gifts for a few, but that was my extent of really buying outside of what I could afford. And, the credit card thing - yikes! All my interest rates went up, minimums went up and I started to listen to those commercials about being in debt trouble like they were preaching the gospel. What's that phone number again? Gosh, I wonder how much they charge for this service after I get through all the free stuff?

I needed a second job. I knew raises at my job may not be a possibility. Or I needed to claim bankruptcy. (I do sound like one of those commercials don't I?)

At the beginning of January, I decided it was time to take my backstage talent and put it to work - literally - it needed to make me some extra money. I decided that I would start doing this kind of work on and off during the year. Take a show for a few weeks, get paid, take a break, repeat. And, if it looked like I could do this two job craziness, then I would look for a more permanent theater job and just go for it.

I got a call from the lovely Mrs. Abby of Vampire Cowboys about working on "Soul Samurai". Well, perfect! Not only do I not have to go hunting for a job, one lands in my lap.

In a later blog I'll go into more details of my new found skills in Wardrobe and Hair, but not today my dear readers.

I take the job. I know Vampire Cowboys, I've met quite a bit of Ma-Yi and I know the cast pretty much. It's a no brainer. You take that job with that many pluses.

When I started to put all the show dates into my calendar, I began to realize, I have two days off, technically, two nights off. Once the show started, I realized those two days would equal to one night of laundry and one night for any major fixing on costumes. So, seven days a week for 4 weeks. Still, I told myself I could do this.

Now, it is the last day where I come to the day job, go to the night job, then go do laundry. My assessment.

Yes, I made it. I didn't die. I didn't mess up too much at either job. I made it thus far. Is this something I can continue to do? Yes, only if I never wanted to see anyone I know outside of the particular show I am working on and if I wanted to possibly go crazy.

I sleep through my alarm now. I mean, really sleep through my alarm. I never did that. When I was going to AMDA, having to get up at 6am, go to 8 hours of classes involving a lot of physical endurance, then to the night job, then home by 1am to repeat again - I did not sleep through my alarm. Now, I wake up at my first alarm at 6:50, then open my eyes again to see it 7:50.

If I went out and stayed out late once during the week, I was exhausted for days. This was unfortunate for things like, our benefit, the opening night party, seeing Watchmen at midnight, our Burlesque benefit. You get the picture.

I really don't know what day it is or what I am doing 1/2 of the time. It takes a lot of concentration during the day to do things. I have to write things down even more and remember to write things down. This also reminds me that I am smoking more. Smoking seems to be the only time that I take to focus and go over everything. I don't think I could sit down and mediate right now. I'd be too restless.

Exercise has been a luxury. No yoga in the morning. I've gotten to the gym a couple of times a week-three times in the week if I am lucky. I run up and downstairs all night, so that is exercise, but my knees are paying for it. I do sit ups backstage during one of the longer scenes.

I am completely out of touch with everything going on in our world. I got to hear quite a bit about the octuplets, the market go up, the market go down, (repeat), the stimulus package and stem cell research. If anything else has happened, please let me know.

Good things - I have lost weight. That was a goal I have been working on. About 7 pounds and counting. I have learned new skills or enhanced ones I already have. Got to work and laugh and have fun with a great cast and crew. Be a part of an amazing, successful show.

Will I be doing this again anytime soon? To this extent? No.

I believe I am "getting to old for this shit." I am looking forward to going back to rehearsing and then tech week and then 3 to 4 performances a week. Will I still be in crazy land during those productions, doing a hundred things at once and/or running around like a crazy lady trying to get ready? Probably. But, I know I can handle a few performances a week. This was really a challenge.

I have no regrets. Only lessons learned.

A Celebration of Memories

2009-03-11T09:20:00.000-04:00

Today would be my father's 67th birthday. I searched last night for some more pictures of my dad on my computer and realized that a lot of them are actually still on Scott's computer and in hard, developed picture format. Being almost midnight and needing to go to sleep, I found a picture (and a couple of movie clips) that brought back a great memory.

This is my dad's hand. That, of course, is a baby turtle. This was one of the last times my dad and I had some real one on one face time together and it developed into a beautiful memory for me.

I guess this was May or August, I was visiting my parents in Carlsbad, NM and my dad and I were on the back porch one morning, drinking coffee, my dad sitting down, me standing, looking out into the back yard, rambling on about something, when a baby turtle came meandering onto the porch. My dad, being the biologist and lover of nature he was, sat up and slowly leaned over in his seat to get a better look at the little guy. I, living in a land of concrete and missing nature, slowly backed away, then ran into the house to get the camera. I came back outside and there was my dad, looking over the little fellow, like a protector or probably to the turtle, a large tree branch. I took some pictures and then turned on the video camera. I filmed the little guy walking along the porch. You can here the birds cooing in the background, you can almost feel the air. I made 2 short videos. My father, of course, said nothing, but just sat there listening to me babble for the camera like I was on some nature show (but due to the adorableness of it all, my voice was up an octave). After the turtle began to take off back into the grass of our backyard, my dad got up from his chair and calmly walked over, bent down, and picked him up. I could tell my dad didn't want this moment to be over and wanted the baby turtle to stick around a bit longer. He then, in his dad way, explained to me the markings on the turtle, and how there were still some soft places cause he was so young - which is something my dad had done before with other turtles. Then, said, "Here, now take a picture, you can really see him much better." And the result is the above picture.

This memory also reminded me of the time I learned from my dad that some lizards' tails come off for protection from predators. When, I was about 4 or 5, my dad and I collected the lizards that ran around our apartment complex. My dad always told me not to grab them by the tail. So, one day I asked - why daddy? My dad took me outside to the tank where we kept the lizards, picked one up, then grabbed it by it's tail only. The tail detached and the lizard ran away free. I, of course, screamed, like...well... a little girl. My dad showed me the still wriggling tail in his fingers and told that it was just the tail and the lizard was fine. I, being the sick little monkey back then that I am now, thought that was pretty cool and then he began to chase me, both of us laughing, around the house with this detached lizard tail and also got my mom involved, by chasing her around with the tail. Of which she would laugh and yell - "Ron, now, quit it. Throw that thing away." Once the tail stopped moving of it's own fruition, my dad took it outside and tossed it. A few days later, I was with my dad and a lizard came crawling up. It had a little stub of a a tail. My dad showed me and said - "See, this lizard lost his tail and it's growing back. He's just fine."

And, my dad, yet again, is right.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Random not so deep Thoughts

2009-03-04T09:47:00.001-05:00

Yes, this show has taken over my life. Wednesday through Sunday with two nights of washing and patching = 7 days a week folks. So, my blogging has definitely slowed down considerably, as has my blog reading (sorry guys). Heck, this drivel below took me all day to write in the few spare moments I had. Enjoy my silliness!

Random Thought One:
One of the most painful sounds in the world is a baby screaming/crying on a train when you know that cry is for pain. Not because they are grumpy, not because they aren't getting their way, not because they are stuck in their stroller, but because they are in physical pain. I was reminded of my ear aches I used to get as a child. Screaming for hours. The second saddest sight, is that of two parents on a train with the screaming, in pain baby trying so hard to be calm and get the baby to be calm when there is just unadulterated fear in their eyes. There is a first saddest sight, but that's not in this posting.

Random Thought Two:
This one actually goes with a dialog set up.

A boy, about 7, a girl, about 4 and their father(?), were walking down the street yesterday. The boy picked up a large ice chunk and began to shave down the sides some and making it into a shape.

He then starting asking the other two - "Who wants to see Pikachu smashed?"
The girl responded, "I want pizza."
Boy: Who wants to see Pikachu smashed?
Girl: I want pizza.
Boy: WHO wants to SEE Pi..KA..chu SMASHED?
Girl: I want pizza.
(This repeated a few more times.)
Then the boy asked the girl - "Do YOU want to see Pikachu get smaaa-shed?"
The girl responded, "I want pizza."
Boy: Pikachu!
Girl: Pizza!
Boy: Pikachu!
Girl: PI-IZZ-AAAAA!
Again, this went back and forth until you heard the ice shatter and the girl let out a yell and the boy laugh and say, "I smashed Pikachu!"
Girl: Are we going to have pizza now?

Many thoughts ran through my mind.
One - Pizza and Pikachu do kind of sound the same.
Two - How many conversations with adults do I have that are examples of the above exchange?
Three - I didn't know that a seven year old would know about Pikachu. Who knew?

Random Thought Three:
Do I really want to keep my Iphone? The answer of course from my now devil owned soul cries YES! But, how much of this is a hassle? I find myself forgetting what I was just in the middle of doing because I had a sudden thought of my Iphone and is it safe, do I have it on me, where is it, etc. Did I just buy the equivalent of a baby? I am constantly wondering if the phone is OK and forgetting my tasks at hand. It's a thought.

Random Thoughts, Plugs, Etc.

2009-02-19T09:15:00.001-05:00

So tonight is another wonderful night of Soul Samurai! Tonight is a little more special for me because the Nosedive crew will be in full effect. We are having a small get together afterwards as our benefit "season" starts off. So, if you happen to be coming tonight and did not get a chance to buy the awesome Nosedive ticket - you can still stick around for the afterparty with your favorite little monkeys and some of the cast and crew of the show...for a marginal cost. (You can get your Soul Samurai tickets here.)

Also speaking of Nosedive and benefit season, we have a very tasty treat - especially for the boys in the house (holler!), Nosedive's Disturbing Burlesque on March 11th at Under St. Mark's, around 10pmish. Hosted by one of the greatest and disturbing minds I know, Bastard Keith. Should be two hoots (did you get the joke?) and a whole lot of holler!

So, random thoughts......hmmmmmm.

I'm on my loose 10lbs kick right now. I have lost 5 so far. I find that I work a lot more efficiently on smaller meals and that has been my only choice seeing I go from the "joe job" to the theatre to home to bed (or sewing/laundry) every night pretty much. But, with the show, more frequent eating, but smaller meals, I'm finally getting rid of that extra 10lbs I put on last year. Ahhhhh. Oh, I could really use a burger though...mmmmm.

When I do get downtime, I tend to do a lot of thinking. It's like my brain wakes up while my body stays still. Been doing a lot of that.

I was having a wonderful meal (great Mexican food) by myself when I overheard 2 people talking the about theatre, and this big shot and that, and this audition and this show and how this person is awful to work with, etc. And, then thought to myself, 'gosh, do we sound that insipid when we talk shop?'

I've had 2 minor family/friend health issues: both are doing fine now. I was so releaved to hear of such life threatening things happening and both making it out of the woods. I definitely needed that. However, a woman I met a couple of years ago lost her battle with cancer. I think this is that section of my life where people I knew, etc. getting sick, dying, out of the woods, terminally ill. Then I thought - and this is kind of shocking seeing as I always comment on how old I am - this can't be, I'm too young.

I have been telling myself the day job, the "9 to 5" is just a day job. I can do this. It's just a job. I've put in my calendar "Put in 2 weeks", for January 2011, if I am still at this job. I know, it's far off, but at least it is light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this for 2 more years if I have to.

Alright kittens....back to your life.

Until that Coban....

2009-02-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

The Wrestler, directed by, Darren Aronofsky, written by Robert D. Siegel and brilliant acting by Mickey Rourke. I have to say - as of right now, this could be my favorite movie of all time. Let me explain.

I just got out of the movie and I am having that swirly-whirly of ideas and relations and I was pretty much closed lipped after it was over. I couldn't even explain my thoughts on this. Except brilliance.

Let's take a journey shall we.

I'm an 80's girl. I'm an 80's rocker girl. I grew up in a small town, so a lot of my nights were spent on the "drag" with my friends in our cars listening to Def Leppard, Motley Crue, Ratt, Quiet Riot, Metallica, Guns N Roses. You get the picture. I didn't drink until I was in college so metal went well with my sugar rushes from the 48oz Tallsup - equivalent to a Big Gulp if you will.

Also, being a small town girl, with not a lot going on and my parents owning 2 TV's, I watched a LOT of TV. But, one of my favorite things was coming home after going to church at FUMC and watching wrestling for hours. This changed to skateboarding when I got older, but I digress.

I loved wrestling.

Now, my folks didn't like wrestling, so I regret to inform you I don't have any of the cool posters or action figures from that time period. Nor, did I ever get to a live wrestling match. But, when my school did have a girls wrestling program, I wanted to join. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of girls and wrestling and that most of the time jello or mud was involved in the sport done by females. And, I was only one of 2 people that came to the tryouts. I talked a friend of mine into coming along. However, at this point, I didn't know that wrestling as a sport and wrestling that I saw on the TV were 2 different things.

Hold on there - WWE (or WWF in my day) is a sport. Yes, it is, I mean only to distinguish the only way I know how.

I watched the matches, I watched the cartoon show (with Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper was the bad guy - remember that?). But, the day it ended for me was the day that Andre the Giant went over to the dark side or in the biz "turned heel" and joined forces with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and challenged Hulk Hogan. Andre was the gentle giant and I knew it was for ratings and for a bout with Andre and Hogan. I felt like the whole thing sold out. Of course I saw the bout, but it all broke my heart.

I haven't really followed wrestling since. I hear bits and pieces of what is going on and am embarrassed when I do hang out with fans, cause most of the time I can only come up with the old names from the old days.

Last week, on a whim, I watched Requiem for a Dream. What a horrifying movie about addiction. And, how brilliantly pulled off by Darren Aronofsky. He is gifted at having you feel the character. He has a way of mixing reality and the dream world or the fantasy to where you aren't really sure which is which anymore.

Now, the movie. (Spoiler Alert! Stop Reading.)

Just hearing that opening song, seeing the posters, knowing that we are 20 years from that time, but that time is being played out to the last note. It's a struggle to holding on to the only thing you know. Then watching a struggle to not go back to the only thing you know and try to move forward with your life, your next chapter - what you should be doing. Marisa Tomei telling Mickey Rourke, well you had a heart attack, you should contact your daughter, that's what you are supposed to do when these things happen. Mickey Rourke going through his pictures of wrestlers, places he has been, to find a grade school picture of his daughter with multiple phone numbers written on the back and crossed out as a new one was added on.

The Wrestler. That's what he was and when he was able to be that person, he was at his most content. After the first bout in the beginning of the movie when he goes home to find his trailer all locked up cause he's missed rent again. After being tossed around like that, all I could think of was a shower or a bath, some Tiger Balm and some hot tea. He can't have that. What does he do? Goes to his van, where he has a pillow and blanket, takes some pain pills and has a beer while looking at his pictures as a younger wrestler on the side of the van. To me, it just spoke passion.

Also, Darren once again is able to get this overall feel of the audience peaking in on this person's life. It definitely had a feel of a biography, without the narration. You were walking along this person's life. The back story was not given to you on a silver platter either. You knew by observing what this man has gone through and who he is. One of my favorite places was where the walk through the supermarket's back sections mirrored the walk to the wrestling ring. And, how sad and awful it was - his new reality.

The Wrestler - Randy 'the Ram' Robinson, Mickey Rourke, is someone I would like to know. Charasmatic, fun, charming, sweet, a big teddy bear, but also someone that would make my skin crawl and I wouldn't be able to place why. Mickey Rourke plays this character beautifully, wonderfully, like on the ropes of the ring itself. It is so good to have him really come back and with such an amazing performance.

I feel like I want to talk more about this, but I'm getting tired and I really just needed to say what a beautiful movie this is. Ahhh, bliss.

Completion is an Ever-Going Process

2009-01-30T16:17:00.001-05:00

Alright, I missed a week, but I am staying with my posting stuff from last year - here is two that I put into one:

Just when you thought you were finished....

This is what I feel like most of my life. And, maybe this is just my inner child that grinds against the, well grind. I ever so often want to stomp my feet and clinch my fists in a tantrum of "why". Why isn't everything finished? I work so hard and fell like I have gone no where.

It really feels like the evil demon raising it's head. I finish something off, then POW, there's another piece to the puzzle. Like cleaning. You get done with the kitchen - it's spotless - and now the bathroom needs cleaning.

But, there is also the phrase - don't rest on your laurels. Where again my inner child wants to stick it's tongue out and go PPPfffftttt. Why not? I worked hard for those laurels. Time to sit down and enjoy them. Ah, the trophy. The shining moments in our life that we re-tell the story of over and over again - I was somebody that day. I have come to find out that some of trophy stories - my accomplishments - have come to be a bit dusty.

I got 2 I-Ching readings last year regarding Completion - shown below.

The daunting thought of nothing being complete. I guess it is also something that has to do with adulthood. When I was a child, once I finished the coloring book, it was done, I couldn't color in it anymore. But being an adult is much more complicated. Even when, depending on what your beliefs are, death occurs it is but another journey. I try to think of the "oblivion" as my final resting place and I can't. And, this is either because it is not, or as a human being, I can't comprehend this because everything is constant.

I've been trying to tell myself I am done with things. They are complete. Resting on my completion of such. But....I'm not. And, the resting has only caused more frustration than the actual doing. Then, I go into the head spin of when? And, when do I get to have my down time?

So, is there anything that is complete? I guess, when you finish a job or a show, that is complete, but more than likely, aren't you going to have another one? And, isn't that new endeavor going to have flavors of the one you completed?

This is where my inner child sits down, cross legged and lets out a heavy sigh.

OK, fine, I agree that everything I do in this life will never find completion, yet I should keep striving like I am. That works. Now, to just get that behemoth of a to do list in order. And, have peace with the fact that it will never be truly complete.

64: Nearing Completion
General Meaning: The situation is incomplete, but the chaos of the past is slowly giving way to order, and the goal is in sight. Nevertheless, you are still treading on thin ice - the way ahead is unobstructed, the goal is clear, but a cautious and careful attitude is still essential, lest you slip and fall.

Nearing Completion is the last hexagram of the I Ching. It suggests that the ever-spinning wheel of life never reaches an absolute conclusion. Just as a hidden sadness resides in the heart of true euphoria, just as the seeds of great achievement often sprout first in a caldron of adversity, so too no end is ever really complete without a new beginning stirring inside it. Though we divide life into categories in order to understand and master it, experience itself is seamless. With this reading, the 64-spoked, the timeless wheel of change is ready to spin onward, ever evolving, ever staying the same.

The situation represented by this reading can be compared to that of taking a lengthy trek over a high mountain. At some point before reaching the peak, you can see in detail exactly how much farther you must travel. You will have a good idea what it will take to reach the top, because of the climbing experience you've accumulated thus far. However, when you do reach the peak, which has been in sight for quite a long period of sustained effort, you will have done only that. You will have reached the top - achieving your initial goal - but now you must still descend the other side. This last critical segment is what remains before completion.

You may have little information and no experience of what it's like descending the other side of the mountain. All your attention may have been focused on the route up. The coming situation may seem very strange to you, unlike anything that you have experienced before. For the back side of the mountain is where all of the true mysteries reside. Proceed carefully, cautiously, alertly - and you will reach your goal.

63: Completion
It is a fine irony that after completion of a project or great enterprise, there is still much left to do. Completion is merely a pause in the cycle of creation and decay, a momentary stillpoint for the swinging pendulum of life. Though completion does imply a period of restful pause - one which usually has been well-earned - it is not an actual end, but rather a uniquely harmonious flat spot in the constancy of change and movement.

The image of After Completion is that of a kettle of water boiling over a fire. When the forces are balanced, the water boils properly; but if the pot is too full, it may boil over and put out the fire; or, if the fire is too hot, it may evaporate all the water. In the equilibrium which follows the completion of an arduous task, the current forces must be watched carefully to assure that a proper balance is maintained.

After Completion is also the time for fine tuning, for refinements and embellishments of what has already been accomplished.

Even if we enjoy a rewarding situation at the moment, the laws of the natural world dictate that influence and success must eventually decline. Don't let current good fortunes prompt careless or relaxed attitudes. Whatever is successful or already established needs to be carefully tended and maintained, without trying to expand it. What is incomplete should be finished, and brought to fruition without delay.

Take satisfaction upon completion, but do not dwell on it. To do so brings a kind of completion to your own influence and capability.

What to Blog About?

2009-01-16T16:18:00.001-05:00

I actually have nothing to blog about, but am trying to keep up with my once a week postings.

So, maybe, I can say, I am very excited about the new Battlestar coming on tonight. Yay!

And, I hope to have some pictures up soon from Christmas.

And, I am really, really addicted to Facebook now. Oh my gosh. It's like crack. Or what I envision crack must be. So many people to talk to. So little free time at work. Oh, I'm just going to go on for a little while (20 minutes passes) - ah, darn it!

So, yes, I don't have a lot going on right now. And, it really feels great. I hope to be blogging more about other stuff, but right now I am just enjoying the down time.

Random Conversation Regarding the Upcoming Snow

2009-01-09T13:19:00.001-05:00

Co-Worker: So, are you prepared for the 2 to 3 inches we are getting.

Me: Oh yeah. I live near the park, so I'm going to hopefully have time to go make a snowman tomorrow.

Co-Worker: Ah. So I see you are one that is looking forward to this weather.

Me: Well, I don't own a car, I don't have a driveway. I rent, so most of the time, someone else clears my stoop. And, I don't have much money, so this seems like a good time for free entertainment.

Co-Worker: Well, yes driving in it is going to be very hard.

Me: My plans got canceled for this weekend. No driving around in the snow for me. Have a good rest of your day.

There are times when I am grateful of my college life style and that I have not reached the adulthood of owning a house, a car and having to do weather related chores. I still get to enjoy snow.

Random Thoughts Before the Holidays

2008-12-24T11:25:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning having to figure out where I was. I believe when you cross time zones or oceans, a sense of disorientation sets in. You start out with the questions of who am I, where am I. When you go home, or in my case, the place I grew up, there is a sense of nostalgia, a sense of knowing. But, not.

I think I was dreaming about being in a heist before I woke up. A combination of watching Dark Knight and needing money I believe.

The finally waking and realizing and then reality setting in. The feeling of my father's absence is a little overwhelming. I miss my father. It's a missing that I can't describe and have never felt before. A missing limb? No. I can't explain. I just know there is a pain, a dull ache that I will never get over, but I am learning to live with. The only parts I can explain are the regret for not seeing him as much the last few years, the desire to see him, just for 5 seconds, for one last time and the laserlight of 'why' radiating to the heavens. I have had to put on a protective shield while in this house.

The holidays are also not the same. My mom and I were discussing that it is harder this year than last because we were still in shock. But, that is not the only thing.

Everyone always said, as I get older that the holidays would feel less and less like they did in the past. That having children would be where the feeling of the holidays would come back. But, that's not 100% true. I had been feeling the holidays these past few years. The excitement, the warmth of family. The fun of being with others in the sense of fellowship. I have not felt that for 2 years now. Except for the holiday songs and cold weather, you couldn't tell me it was the holidays. I loved spending the holidays with my ex-husband's family. It brought me back to feeling like I did as a child during this time of year. The anticipation, the excitement. And, when both of our families were able to meet, now, no doubt it was stressful, but it was what I had always wanted and what I had missed about the holidays when I was in college, etc. Now, it's just me and my mom.

This year, we are going to spend the holidays with our next door neighbors and long time friends. People that know me like family. In writing that, I have to ask - does family even really know me? But, I digress. It will definitely be something completely new and unfamiliar, but something I had been wanting to do. Be with friends that are my family for special occasions. This is something I will also need to get used to and learn to live with, because this is all I have left. My mom, the bits of distant relatives and friends.

Luckily, I have a lot of friends. And, I am begining to trust and believe now that I have the kind of friends that are going to go the distance. The kind that we will all do stupid stuff, work through it and move onto the next section of life. I have really wonderful people in my life. And, they walk me through the this forest of the life I didn't think I would be living.

God Bless Us...Everyone.

ER Visits Have Always Been for Unfortunate Events

2008-12-17T12:07:00.001-05:00

I have had 3 to 4 ER visits in my life. I say 3 to 4 because at least 1 of those was at a clinic type ER, but again - emergency care.

Was I bleeding from the eyes? Did I have a fever of 105? Was it a life or death situation? Was I continually evacuating without sign of relief?

No.

Although - except for the bleeding from the eyes - I feel like all the above has been true at some point and I have weathered through one way or the other to finally get over it and make it to my primary care physician or doctor in the area realizing that the last place in the world I would want to be is an ER when I am in that kind of trauma.

But, for what happens to me, where there is a question of emergency, it is for an unfortunate reason.

My first ER trip I barely remember. I was 9 or 10? I had been playing hide and go seek with my cousins within a camper van - it had a pop up bed on the top. So, I crawled out the pop up bed section window, onto the roof of the van and decided to pop back through the passenger side window. On doing this, my hands slipped off the roof and I woke up on my back in the gravel below, bleeding from around my head and my left shoulder hurt badly. So, being disoriented and scared, I began screaming - the whole family ran out and I was taken to my bedroom to figure out what the heck happened. They cleaned up my head, which was just minor scratches and my dad loaded me into the car and we began the long drive to the hospital (being that we were out in the country at my grandparents' farm). The doctor looked me over, said I may have a concussion and to watch me. And, probably a green line fracture in my collar bone, but as long as I was careful, put my arm in a sling for awhile, I should be fine.

Eventually, this trip had a part two - I was roller skating with my friends and fell, landed on my left arm - shoulder went up past my ear (my friends told me with a "wow that was really cool" following) and off again I went - this time I had to wear a brace like football padding around my shoulders for 6 weeks. Hairline fracture on my collarbone and no recess during my school hours.

My next trip was a very short lived one. Was running a relay race in P.E. (7th grade?), slipped, fell, hit my left arm, got up, kept running, finished the race (1st place kiddos) and then noticed my elbow was swollen to the size of a baseball. My mom came to school, picked me up and off to the ER we went. It was a sprang and I got a sling that had an attached ice pack to it. The next day at school the sling kept leaking so I faked some extreme pain and went home to use this ridiculous contraption correctly. And, watched a lot of TV.

The next trip was in college. I had gotten home late from a theatre project and went to sleep in my contacts. The next morning, I got up and tried to remove my contacts so my eyes could get a couple hours rest before I had to take a facilitator test at a ropes course. My left contact, would not come out. After about 20 minutes of pulling, and extreme pain, I drove myself, 1/2 blind to the emergency clinic. I found out that my contact was not in my eye at all. Must have fallen out while I was asleep and I was trying to pull my Corina out. In doing that, I scratched my Corina and ended up with a bandage over my eye for the day and some drops for later. And, I took my test, one-eyed, having to climb ropes, jump off of logs to grab rings in mid-air and change airline cable out, on a telephone pole, at 20 feet. I passed.

Grad school. I was working for the tech crew and we were doing our down time cleaning. There was a closet that needed to be cleaned out. I was reaching up and taking down paint cans and passing them to someone behind me when the whole shelf gave way and WHAM, paint can to the head. I got a little dizzy, but kept on plugging. My supervisor made me go to the NYU ER to make sure I did not have a concussion. I did not and was later awarded the "Heads!" Award at the year end celebration.

Now, let's skip forward to just a mere few days ago. I was putting a cork back on a wine bottle (sober I might add - I had only had one glass of wine). The cork slipped off the rim of the bottle and WHAM, my wrist went into my wine glass sitting next to it. The glass was shattered into small pieces. So, I go to start picking up the pieces of glass. My roommate (Christopher) comes in and says - wait, how much of that is wine and how much of that is you. I looked down at my hands and there is blood all over them and all over the counter. Whoops. So, we patch me up with some new skin and I go to bed. I wake up about 5am to some extreme pain. Tried to go back to sleep and realized - I needed to drag myself to the ER. Christopher had to work, so I just let him know what I was doing and that I would be OK. And, off I went to my first real NY ER experience.

I went to Interfaith Hospital in Brooklyn, about 20 or so blocks from where I live. Sat in one waiting room for a couple of hours, at one point a nurse cleaned my wound and re-bandaged me. There only seemed to be a few people, so I was breathing a sigh of relief. Then, I was called to the other room, which I came to find out - was the ER.

People were all in beds and a couple of us with minor issues were in some chairs. All my care and looking at was done in the mini-waiting room. My analysis to urine tests, the looking at the cut on my arm, the Tetanus shot. There is no doubt in my mind why people get sick from something completely different than what they went in with. I went and had x-rays to make sure there was no glass and my arm wasn't broken. Then, back to the little waiting room. I tried to read and memorize lines, but it was so hard with so many conversations going on around me. Or screaming and moaning. It was a cacophony of pain and confusion. People with family demanding answers. People so out of it they can barely make coherent sentences. I felt really lucky that I was able to handle my situation by myself.

At one point I excused myself saying that if I didn't get something to eat, I would pass out and then they would have another problem on their hands and grabbed a cereal bar. The main ER doctor came and saw me at about hour 5. He said that I was lucky - barely missed the main artery and that I should get one or two stitches. The other ER doctor that had been helping me took me to the "Fast Track" area and got the kit to administer the stitches.

He came back in and asked if I was allergic to Lanocain. No, I replied. Then he asked if I just wanted the stitches or if I wanted to be numbed first. I said, numbed, of course. I believe I am a tough enough person without being a show off. He then told me that since the area I sliced was so sensitive, the Lanocain shots were going to hurt as bad if not worse. Wait, wait, wait. Can you just knock me out? No. Now another note here. I was just sitting on a bed. There was no place for me to put my arm. I was going to have to hold my arm and hold still while he put a needle and thread through the area. OK doc, numb me. I knew that at least that would take away the pain in my wrist for a bit and be worth it.

He had to do about 5 injections to really get it numb. I had wished now, I had just gotten the stitches. Shown off like a tough girl. Sigh.

He then threaded his needle and I watched as he stitched up my wrist. And, of course, there were still places where I could feel the needle. And, I have to admit, either from lack of food or disgust, I did feel a little faint. But being the person who likes to create special effects for gore, I wanted to watch what this looked like.

I ended up only getting one stitch. I think the doctor was afraid of hurting me more. So, all else fails, I should have a pretty cool scar looking like a tattoo for some secret organization on my arm.

I am now on some really powerful antibiotics, which sucks. And, wrist is still bandaged and the place where they gave me the Tetanus shot is in as much pain as the cut itself. But, all in all, I am fine. And, now have another adventure to tell.

On a side note, I have been a very bad blogger these past few months. I still have about 5 drafts that I do want to share. So, look to 2009 as a few postings of things I should have written in 2008.

Memed Again!!

2008-11-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

Well crap - Memed again! Actually, there was a point in time where I was getting memes left and right - some repeated. I ignored them. I'm a bad person sometimes.

But, this will help get the writing juices flowing so here goes:
"Seven Strange Things," in which I'm required to list, well, seven strange things about myself. This is from Mr. James Comtois.

1. I have been growing a section of hair and braiding it for over 15 years now. Those of you who know me, know this isn't that strange. But, to hairdressers and people I work with, it is incredibly strange. And when I say I started growing it in _______ school, people are even more astonished. And, I re-braided it about once a week.

2. I am pre-mature gray and got my first silver-gray hairs when I was 15. Yes, I am a silver fox. Down boys, down.

3. I was born in this country and adopted. Again, not that strange except for 2 things. One - who adopts children in America anymore - most of them are from Russia and China. And, I look a lot like my mom, especially the pictures where I have glasses. It is pretty uncanny.

4. I have never had to purchase a personal music device (i.e. walkman/Ipod) That's right kids. I just now realized this. My first "walkman", my dad, who was Assistant Principal of the High School, had taken one away from a kid and told him he could come and pick it up at the end of the year - the kid never did - he gave it to me. Since then I have either got them as gifts, prizes, found in grocery stores and never claimed, and most recently, got my pops's Ipod.

5. I once tried to teach kittens how to swim. When I was very young: 3 or 4 years old, I decided that my cousin's kittens wanted to be in the backyard pool that was about 2-3 ft deep and I would teach them how to swim. So, I put about 5 kittens in the pool and believe it or not, cats can swim! Seeing that they were strong swimmers, I, upon seeing something shiny, left the swimming, crying kittens in the pool. Fortunately, they were meowing loud enough that the whole household came out and got the kittens out of the pool. I was then told that cats and kittens don't like water. I don't know if that is something strange about me or just a strange situation.

6. I wore an eyepatch on and off for a few years. I had Amblyopia or lazy eye when I was born. They were trying a new method on me and covered the strong eye with an eye-patch which consisted of masking tape over the glass part of my glasses. Low and behold, the "lazy" eye got to work and the treatment succeeded. I was even told by an eye doctor that I shouldn't even tell doctor's that I had Amblyopia- there is no trace of it. And, that was a pretty amazing feat.

7. I used to think the I was the Greatest American Hero Sorry, I was running out of things and just thought of this. My friend and I used to play like we were of course the beloved character played by Mr. William Katt in the aforementioned TV show - the female versions. For many years I waited for my super hero suit from above. Alas, it never arrived.

OK - I am sure there are way more juicier strange things that are ME, but you are just going to have to buy me a beer and try to get them out of me.

And, do you want to try this - it's fun. If you do, post your link to your blog or put them in my comments.

"Believe it of not..I'm walking on air..."

It's been awhile......

2008-10-13T14:20:00.001-04:00

And, it's going to be a bit longer. I would like to post, but the vote is on so... Go out and vote. And, read a blog about the voter experience - check out Scratching Words in the Dirt or Open Veins. New York voting experience. I'm going to take one from the "Four Evey Day" Blog for my voting experience. Let's see if I can do this in four sentences.

Got up at 6:30, put on my coat with PJ's still on and went across the street to my polling place, but found the line to be longer than most lines I would wait in for peak concert tickets. Went back home, got ready for work and then ventured out again to find it just as long, but excited as I was, said screw it and got in line and listened to music, read my book and played some Tetris and was given a free Monster drink from some promotional people passing them out. Over an hour later, I was met by beaming tired faces showing me the way to where I would place my vote. After a few moments and getting re-acquainted with the voting machine itself (seeing that during the primaries, I found myself on paper ballot due to the fact that they had lost my registration along with 100s that day) I voted and walked back out into the sunshine, head held high and feeling mighty good about being an American.

Quilting!!!!

2008-09-16T09:23:00.001-04:00

I have so much more to write about, but no freakin' time people. So, with that, I give you Quilts!!!

(My mom's quilt is on the Tuesday blog - 5 pics down.)

Two blogs plotted out, one in notes on paper and one stewing in the juices of my head.

I shall be back!

I Will Blog Again

2008-08-27T17:24:00.000-04:00

Things have been crazy and I do want to write more (I have 2 drafts I am working on, but isn't that always the case), but time has been so limited.

I will be back soon! Promise!

The Task and Art of Repaving a Path

2008-07-30T14:01:00.000-04:00

I have been noticing a lot of road construction recently. Tearing up roads, pouring down tar, the big rollers smoothing over the tar, all in the blazing sun. You wonder if this is what hell could be like. I mean, heat, on heat, then add some more heat.

That got me to thinking about life. And, how hard it is to start over. And looking at the path you are on. Trying to figure out if this is the right one or not. Or which one should I take? How should I narrow this down?

And, I realized, sometimes you don't have to completely take another road in life. It might be better to improve the road you are on first. Heck, you leave behind the road you were just on and, that road, well, could use some work.

I think re-paving a road is a lot harder than just abandoning the road and going off in another direction. It takes evaluation - how much damage needs to be repaired. It takes hard work - from the little patch up jobs to the complete destruction and re-building. It can be difficult - sweating it out, situations that are already very heated, pushing even further.

But, when you are done, when the road cools, you have something you can travel on again, smoothly. The small holes, the extra bits are gone. The road is lighter and you feel like you are flying. There is a quiet excitement, a newness, a self-confidence. You are now ready to take the next step in life.

So, please pardon the appearance, I am trying to repave my road. I'll let you know how it goes.

Got this IChing reading a bit ago - found it relevant to my feelings above:
60: Limits and Connections
Thursday, July 10th, 2008

General Meaning: Limits are necessary to give purpose and direction to life. Swimming in a sea of boundless opportunity would soon lead to exhaustion. Winging it alone in a sky of boundless opportunity would lead to being lost. In human affairs, the making of choices, and alliances, implies limitation, for in choosing one path another must be abandoned.

One key to a successful life is to select your limits consciously and carefully - to be discriminating in the setting of personal boundaries and knowing when to join in formation. Thrift, for example, often precedes prosperity; just as the letting go of selfish interests often leads to greater personal reward. Only by consciously accepting useful limits can one's energy be channeled to good purpose, and lead to lasting accomplishment.

Point yourself toward a middle way, the mean between discipline and freedom of spirit. Limits will come of their own accord; but to be able to consciously select your own affiliations in life - that's knowing how to fly! At the same time, do not go overboard on discipline. Even limitation must be limited, so that in attempting to bring order and direction into your life you do not choke off vital sources of enthusiasm and spontaneity.

Similarly, in groups and organizations, the rules and regulations should strike a balance between being too strict and too soft. If too strict, they build frustration among people, and ultimately become destructive. If too lenient, sloppiness becomes acceptable, and energy is soon dissipated. The best path is one which allows for the fulfillment of individual potential, while encouraging self-discipline and focus.

Improving Health Through Shakes and Other Sordid Tales

2008-07-23T19:42:00.000-04:00

Shakes? What?

I have so much to write about, but am very excited that I have made a step to improve my health!

OK - let me back track.

From 2005 to the end of 2006 I was using shakes as supplemental meals from Medifast. They were great tasting and gave you everything you needed - nutrition wise. These, along with exercise, got me down past my goal weight and down 3 sizes. I was happier than a pig in fat-free, low cal slop.

Uh, OK.

I still had a pretty fun and groovy lifestyle during this time. I would drink my shakes during the day and have one real small meal at some point during the day. I would still go out and have fun with my various friends (and lo and behold, be the incredibly cheap drunk). Eventually, I learned how to eat small meals over the course of a day, instead of one, two or five big meals.

Then, the holidays came in 2007 and the shows and the craziness. I was sporadically eating, sporadically partying and sporadically exercising.

Now 2008 is almost 1/2 way through and I am up XXlbs over my goal weight (no one needs to know that number). After hitting that mark, I realized I needed to embark back on my shakes to re-train myself how to eat again. I have also been doing more yoga and going to the gym more consistently.

Now, some of you might said - hey, have you heard about the Lemon aid cleanse, diet, insert whatever name here. I have and I hope to do it at some point. (Believe it or not, it is more expensive than the shake thing I am doing.)

It is very similar to stuff I have done in the past. And I did like the taste quite a bit (I tried a few sips when friends of mine that had been on the program.) Now, I haven't read a lot on it. I have learned about it from what my friends have told me. What I have noticed is:

You have a few days of feeling accomplishment, followed by mood swings and cravings, then you move into fatigue, then back to accomplishment and your body feeling more healthy, then you repeat one or two of the other steps, but feel stronger this time about it.

My shakes do the same thing in a way. I have found myself moody and craving weird things. But, I know that this will pass. It's like re-booting your system. And usually everything works a little better when you do re-boot.

A friend of mine said recently, that maybe America is ripe for a cut down on food intake. Not only have food prices risen, but with obesity related illnesses topping out health problems - almost over smoking related illnesses - it gives one thought for pause. Wait, I'm over weight and I am smoking. That made me say a yikes. And heck, maybe we do eat too much.

And, that brings me to another tale-the smoking. I have had people come up to me while I was smoking and say - I thought you were quitting, I read your blog. I am cutting down, not quitting, not yet. I'm not ready to quit yet. I really like having a cigarette and if I can keep the smoking down to a pack or 1/2 a pack a week, I don't see the total harm in it. 1/2 a pack a week is equal to breathing NYC air right?

With that said, I have changed my cutting down program a little. I am now concentrating on smoking only one pack a week. The once a week idea didn't really work. The last time I was doing that, I was at AMDA, much more broke than I am now (although, almost debt free) and between singing, dancing, acting classes, working 6 hours a day (after all the school), I didn't have a lot of time or money to enjoy the smokey treat.

And, smoking was a lot like enjoying a piece of candy back in those days. I don't run out and get a candy bar everyday, but ever so often. And, I hope I can find that enjoyment in the smoking again. Ever so often, wanting a nice puff off of a fine tobacco product. And, enjoying a chocolaty treat.

We Interupt This Regular Scheduled Blog To Say....

2008-07-21T10:18:00.000-04:00

Isabeau Cope McClain has arrived! She was born July 3rd, 2008 at 10:20pm. She weighed 6 lb 13 oz, & was 20 inches long.

This is my friend AJ and her husband's Bobby new little child.

And, why is this so important - cause about 2 months ago we weren't sure she was going to make it. She being mother and child. Little Isabeau and Ms. AJ are both doing well.

She wrote a lovely and slightly horrifying story about the birth - I am asking her permission to re-publish here.

YAY!

Sorry no pictures yet.

My Quilt

2008-07-11T16:21:00.001-04:00

My mom is making me a quilt.

I couldn't wait - I had to show it. It is the green and purple with masks on the brown bed spread.

My mom had been going to "quilters", what she calls the group, for about a year now or so. She never made anything. Just learned different stitches and how to make a quilt. But, didn't think she could afford to actually make one. Little known fact - quilting is a very expensive hobby.

Last year, my dad told her to just go out and buy the stuff and make a quilt. And, she did. She has been working on this one for almost a year. I think she was originally going to be making a baby quilt, but with no real prospect of grand children, she changed it to a quilt for me.

And, I am just tickled.

And proud.

Way to go mom! (I'll be getting it this Christmas. It is probably going into a quilting show first.)

Helpful Hint From a DIY Mac Tech

2008-07-08T17:12:00.000-04:00

OK, sort of.

First off, let me just say - I love my Mac. I really, really do. Most of the time it is the easiest thing in the world to work on and change things to work better and fix. And, almost always, I find the way to make it work. It's like owning a puzzle that you always figure out and this gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Or, I if all else failed, I would ask Scott.

Since Scott is no longer in the other room, I have to call and see if he can help. Or lean on someone else.

As most of you know, I don't like asking for favors. I really do try to do it myself. And, this one, folks, has taken me a year.

So, I had backed up my computer once I got my external hard drive by copying all the files from one location to my external hard drive. Once I did this, I noticed I had 2 copies of Windows Media Player on my computer, so I trashed one.

I went to empty my trash and darn it if the Windows Media Player was saying that it was locked. So, I went through all the folders and still, there were some hidden files that were locked.

Well, no worries, I'll just take it out of my trash and put it on my Desktop, empty my trash and put it back in.

Oh no.

It copied it to my Desktop and left a copy in the trash. Windows Media Player had become a bunny and started to reproduce as one would. By the end of my little experiment, I had 4 copies of WMP in my trash.

So, to empty my trash, I had to continually click the "OK" when prompted that I could not delete a file because it was locked. And, there were A LOT of these files - I found out later, about 80 per folder. I did however, end up practicing my drumming technique. On my interior mouse. On my laptop. This just simply would not do.

I went to a lot of reference sites and tried to figure this out. All of them said to do all this weird stuff, reboot in another mode, wipe the hard drive, chant the Dummy for Mac handbook over the computer. The responses were negative to people who had tried these suggestions. And some people found that they destroyed their lap top, lost all of their information and the damn thing still was in the trash.

I was not alone in my plight. It was not comforting however.

Eventually, I gave up and decided I would take it in to an Apple store or TechServ at some point.

Then, recently, I got fed up and decided to try again. The key was in unlocking all the files, which I thought I had done. So, I unlocked all the files again that were in the trash. Then, tried to unlock the program itself. It would not let me unlock it.

Light bulb.

My solution when the lockable is unlockable - rename the file and extension.

Which I did. I just put something like "asjidkfp" with no "." or extension after - the common pop up - are you sure - I clicked yes - and what it changed it into was beautiful. It changed the program into a folder. And, low and behold, in that folder was all the language files...that were...locked.

I began the task of plowing through all the folders then all the programs within those folders, unlocking everything. Click, Click, Apple A, Apple I, unlock, moving on. There were about 6 languages per program with 75 files that needed to be unlocked per. I worked for about 1/2 an hour and was finished. Was this actually going to work?

I slid my finger on the keypad to move my mouse up to empty the trash. Viola. The crinkle of paper after you have thrown out the trash on a MAC happened. I hadn't heard that sound in a year.

Ah. Success.

The Grass Is Also Greener Here

2008-07-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

Continuation of last post.

Day Six: Sleeping and Scanning
Got up just a tad too late to go running and just went with my mom to the Blue House. The people there are great! Great stories, good food, good coffee. And, it is the hangout in the morning of Carlsbad. In other words, all the cool kids go there. I wish I could repeat some of the conversations, but I believe in what's said at the Blue House, stays at the Blue House. :)

Day 7: Scanning and Swimming
So, yes, there was a lot of pics to scan - and they are all on my Picasa page now. I got up, went to the natitorium at the High School. Olympic sized swimming pool. Not messing around. I did about 8 laps with a little rest in between each one. Olympic sized - a lot longer than you think. I use the one at my gym and I can do 4 laps before needing a rest. Of course, then the Blue House.

Then, we went to Brantley Lake a little while later. There were bunnies! Well, hares or jack rabbits to be exact. But, cute bunnies! And road runners! I stuck my toe in, but really didn't do any swimming. After seeing a sign that the fish weren't edible from the lake - I pondered what was in that water.

From there we went to the gem show at the Living Desert State Park. Then, home. Where I ate my last green chili cheese burger for awhile and packed to go home.

I got up the next day, enjoyed breakfast at the Blue House - said goodbye to all the regulars and went to Roswell to take off (again, in a plane, not a spaceship). I had a 6 hour layover in Dallas, TX that I spent with my friend's fiancee, drinking margaritas and discussing their upcoming nuptials.

Then, back to this side of the fence.

I miss that pace of life sometimes. Still getting everything done, but just a little bit slower. Enjoying time with family. Enjoying leisure time. I decided a couple of days ago, that I needed some time off from theatre projects. So, the one I am currently working on will be the last until Blood Brother's Present.... starts up in August. I want to try to re-create, at least a piece of that relaxed sigh that I found myself doing from time to time.

And, look at some more of these - clouds.

The Southwest is Also Greener from the Other Side

2008-07-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

I wanted to blog while I was on vacation, but, as is my life, things were continually busy. I did slow down to a steady hum (think of a humming bird slowing down to the pace of a sparrow). And, it was a nice excursion. So, instead of day journals - I will give you highlights.

Day one: Landing
After being up pretty much all night, I was received by my mom and her 2 friends - Irene and Kelly. We went to IHOP - mmmmm. Then, took off from Roswell to home. (Roswell, NM is where I landed - hahaha - gosh that town has gone from nice to big ole alien tourist trap.)

It was really weird walking into the house that day. The last time I was there, I was helping my mom get ready for my father's funeral. Here I was, for the first time, coming for a visit and it being one day before Father's Day. My father, gone. Pictures of him now replaced a lot of the other pictures that were hanging on the wall from the last time I was there. I went to take a shower later that day in my mother's room. His side of the room was just the same. A slight haze of dust laid over bits of it. His jeans were still hanging over the suit rack. His shoes lined up on the floor. His bedside table - everything still there, untouched. So, after my shower, I took some toilet paper and dusted things off. Looked at some of his books.

Day Two: Coping
Father's Day. Mom and I went to a Father's day brunch at one of the local bistros. It was buffet style. The food was really good, however, the presentation was that of a family reunion. Different dishes in different serving trays and bowls spread out on paper lace table cloths.

After that, got some flowers and went here.

Yup. This is how I spent my Father's Day. It looks really nice though. I couldn't have picked a better spot for him. I also looked at my mom's side of the marker. I told her that as creepy as it was to have that there, I was glad I would never have to worry about taking care of it. When she dies at the ripe old age of 110, I'll have nothing to worry about. She said, oh please don't let me live that long. :)

Day Three - Five: On the Road Again
After dealing with some business and a trip to my mom's favorite place to go to 6 times a week, The Blue House, we headed out for Lubbock, TX, where I was to see my father's sister, my aunt, and a whole slew of cousins (cousins of mine with children), most of which I hadn't seen in close to 15 years. One of them just graduated high school, in which case, I told him that I would be back around before he graduated college and apologized for not seeing him since he was in diapers, or something like that. His mother replied with - yeah, right, we'll see you again when he gets married. I do love family. They always tell you like they see and know you. :)

Then off to Santa Fe. Now, this whole trip was major driving. Three hours to Lubbock, TX, Five hours to Santa Fe, then Four and a 1/2 hours back to Carlsbad. In Santa Fe we stayed at a nice hotel, had a good meal, good drinks, went shopping, said hello to Marsha's uncle and I got to catch up with my good friend Kim. Then the driving. But all was made better by a Dairy Queen Chocolate Dipped Waffle Cone (they are not as good looking as they are on TV, but still very tasty). A picture is worth a thousand words, so here are a few thousand that I don't have to write:

Part 2... Coming Soon

It Has Been One Week As Of

2008-06-10T17:26:00.001-04:00

Midnight tonight.

I will have gone one week without smoking. I was even around a BBQ with all sorts of smokers and things smoking, and smoking, smoking, smoking. And yet, AND YET!

Not a toke. Not a pull. Not a puff.

It helps to have been extremely sick, have feverish hallucinations and not be able to swallow without intense pain for 48 hours. Then, get a hacking cough (that is still with me) 2 days later. It's not that bad - just sounds like I am dying ever 3 hours or so.

But, I digress - a week folks!

Another part of that reason is the price of cigarettes. I went to buy a pack on Tuesday, pulled out my regular $8 for the $7.25 to $7.75 pack and was told I needed another dollar - It's $9 now. That was it, I'm done. I knew they would get me in the pocketbook eventually.

They win! I'm going to try and cut it WAY down.

Here's the new plan folks:
I can smoke once a week. One day. That's it.
During productions: I can smoke one week before Tech, Tech week and Show nights.

Have I found any benefits you might ask? Well, the only one so far is I am not as tired as I was in the morning and well, all day and for all the sickness, my singing voice is hitting some notes I couldn't hit when I was well.

And, until I am fully well, probably still will sound like I am coughing up a lung from time to time. But, this to will pass.

Since May? I am so sorry!

2008-06-09T12:31:00.000-04:00

I have not posted since May? Since May? Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. Sorry to myself and to my readers. I haven't been feeling really "posty" lately. Still recouping from the big run of Colorful World. But, I am going on vaca very soon and hopefully might do some interesting writing from the Southwest. We'll see.

But, for today, saw this and wanted to post. My Hexagram for the day. I am pretty sure everyone gets the same - although, I could be wrong. This could be my own personal one. Regardless, something is singing in this for me. Not sure what I need to take from it or exactly how to apply, but once I was reading, I got a little twinkle in my belly. Ah, intuition. Here you go:

59: Dispersing
Monday, June 9th, 2008

General Meaning: Nothing survives forever, not even rocks, not even the most rigid of structures. The erosion of that which has been solid is not necessarily bad: it can mean that something new is being created. The image is of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges.

Rigidity in the hearts of men tends to breed a separateness which can only be thawed by a greater force: typically, some strong spiritual stirring. The thawing of cold hearts brings good fortune.

The first thing to dissolve is any internal rigidity which separates you from others. Try to work more closely with others, concentrating on common activities which evidence your integrity and native goodwill. Sudden, strong action in support of a greater good can lift the spirit, and lead toward new possibilities in many areas. Spiritual impulses - including righteous indignation and a strong sense of justice - should be honored, and acted upon. They can provide the initial impulse to important and constructive change.

And if you should have any lingering business or other partnerships which are inactive or not working, you might consider dissolving these as well.

2008-05-20T16:52:00.000-04:00

I started this post on Tuesday after finally catching up with my blog reading (which pretty much entails the links to the right, while following a lot of the links in those blogs. Yes, I need to sign up with blog lines.) And, if you are reading this and your link is not there, let me know. I would love to add you.

What I found out, was a lot of people blogging about blogging. What to blog, who do I blog about, should I blog. Basically, to blog or not to blog.

This got me to thinking about my blog and the people who surround me in my life that either have blogs or do not. And, really, why would I even write one - I know a lot more prolific people than me. I know better writers than me. And, 1/2 of those people, do not have blogs.

About February/March, I noticed that my little blog went from 2 to 3 readers to 50 or so. Which was kind of crazy, but nice. I haven't checked recently. It's kind of like looking at your weight. When you feel good about yourself and how you look, you don't mind jumping on the scale. But, when you don't, you find reasons to avoid it. I have a feeling that since I have been so busy and my once a week goal of writing was broken, my readers have dropped off.

Then, I was talking with one of my readers who asked - 'when are you going to post again? I mean apparently when you are less busy.' The thought of writing, just seemed like such a luxury and the thought of how long I had been away from the blog, equally depressing. I asked why, I mean, my blog isn't that great. And, someone else said - 'I really like it. It doesn't really talk about anything specific, just about things you are thinking about.'

Hrmmm. I guess that's a good thing.

So, I'm hoping to come back around again with some more posting about what just happens to be on my mind -since you seem to like that.

But, I am not out of the woods yet - on the absence of free time that is - Colorful World is still 2 weeks from being done. And, I have to admit, I still don't know what it looks like, but I know we have a great show. I guess being a slight puppeteer to this whole shibang has really left me on the outside looking in. Please come on up (or down) to 78th St. Theatre Lab, check it out and let me know what you think.

In the mean time you can go here:
http://www.eljallartsannex.com/Colorful%20World.htm
or here:
http://www.nytheatre.com/nytheatre/showpage.php?t=colo6687
or here:
http://www.broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=27785
or here (there be spoilers ahead if you go here):
http://confoundedblog.blogspot.com/ (Piddy did a great job talking about getting into shape, character and the show itself.)
And, this one has nothing to do with the show - just about the posting above:
http://scotleewilliams.blogspot.com/

Status Report

2008-05-12T17:31:00.000-04:00

Show is open. Tech week is over. I have gotten some amount of sleep. People keep saying I look tired.

I weighed myself and doesn't seem to be that I gained any weight. However, I am much more flabby than before. Must keep up with the working out and getting in better shape. Went to the gym today.

I smoked A LOT during Tech week. However, today, just one so far. Back to the cut down.

With that said, please come to our show. It's really quite spectacular.

Colorful World

A new play by James Comtois

featuring
Zack Calhoon* — Abe Goldfarb* — Jessi Gotta
Marc Landers — Mac Rogers — Patrick Shearer
Ben VandenBoom — Christopher Yustin

*Denotes member of the Actors Equity Association

Directed by Pete Boisvert
The 78th Street Theatre Lab, 236 West 78th St., 2nd Floor
May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31
Thursday through Saturday, 8 p.m.
Tickets available at TheatreMania.

In 1988, the world discovered a man who was indestructible, impervious to pain, and able to destroy a tank with his mind.

In the early- to mid-nineties, a craze where vigilantes dressed up in flashy costumes and fought crime took the nation by storm.

Now it's 2005. The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center are still standing. Hurricane Katrina has decimated New Orleans. The Iraq War is coming to a close. And several former costumed crimefighters realize their marks on the world are more akin to those of has-been rock stars.

This is Colorful World, Nosedive Productions' latest full-length production that takes on the superhero genre. Far from a pulpy comic book-style romp, James Comtois and Pete Boisvert (The Adventures of Nervous-Boy) envision a world radically changed by the arrival of an invincible man, and not necessarily for the better.

Colorful World will be performed at the 78th Street Theatre Lab (236 West 78th St. at Broadway) May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31 (Thursday through Saturday). All shows are at 8 p.m. and tickets are $18. Subway: 1 to 79th Street; A to 81st Street; or 1 2 or 3 to 72nd Street. Tickets available at TheatreMania.

Show Good, Fire Bad

2008-04-23T12:35:00.000-04:00

The fear of all that is holy and non-holy came rushing through me Monday night as I was trying to drift off to sleep. And, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't sleep. One thing after another came through my head regarding the upcoming Nosedive show. All the things that needed to get done, all the things that I was responsible for, all the things I wasn't responsible for, but needed to keep an eye on. And, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't sleep.

I don't know when I got to bed that night, but when I did wake, didn't feel like I slept at all.

And the fear was, one of the things I realized, in essence, for Colorful World, I am Stage Manager, Tech Director, Assistant Set Designer and all things props. (I had some people lined up to help out, as per usual. However, this time around, everyone got busy or was moving, etc., etc.) I am no stranger to responsibility. But, this much, overwhelmed me for a few.

Then, I took sometime and got my crap together.

I really thought, being out of grad school, only working a 9 to 5 job, I could do this, I have plenty of time. I can take on another show with another company in between all my shows and still get things done. Yeah, I may have over estimated how much time I had time.

I now feel like I could use one more week.

But, don't we all feel that way? Even when doing any large project? Just one more week? Come on. Really? That's all I'm asking here.

And, the funny thing is, we always get things done and the finished product is much better than we could ever dream. That's what I'm hoping for here.

However, the last show I remember being this worked up about was The Adventures of Nervous Boy. And, that turned out amazing. Better than amazing. Phenomenal.

The real reason I opened up my blog today was because of my Iching reading I got for the day. From what I was just feeling, this really seemed to hit home.

So, to all my readers, there may not be that much posting over the next few. Except for promotional.

(You should come see my show. I am working really hard on it. http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/142889)

My Iching Reading for Today
51 Shock
General Meaning: One hears thunder unexpectedly! First comes fear, then a sharpened, clearer vision. Recall a close brush with danger - a falling branch, an automobile accident barely avoided, an escape from a potentially violent confrontation. Such incidents first arouse every nerve fiber in your body in a brief wave of terror, but soon, once the danger has passed, give way to a heightened awareness of the world. The same process also occurs with other types of shock - the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, business failure and so on.

The lasting impact of a major shock can either be stimulating or debilitating, depending upon one's inner strength of character. The critical factor is the ability to become immune to fear, thereby transforming anxiety into a laser-sharp perception of the world around you.

When overtaken by crisis, the wise search their hearts for inner strengths, in order to face the world with courage. Courage often means daring to take the unexpected path - to bounce back quickly and self-confidently after failure, to have faith in the eternal when confronted with death.

We tend to think of shock only in the context of unpleasant events. We can also be jarred, however, by the sudden release of tension which comes with unexpected success. To keep your bearings in the aftershock of either trauma or victory, it is essential that your inner compass be aligned with "true north", that magnetic force which guides you toward fulfillment of both your deepest desire, and your highest destiny.

Busy, busy, busy...

2008-04-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

I got a little swamped and side tracked these past couple of weeks - hence no posting. Busy.

How many times have some of you heard that come out of my mouth? I am beginning to think it as more of a mantra I repeat than an actual state of being. I mean, I am out of grad school. I work a 9 to 5 job. I socialize from time to time. What the heck I am so busy at?

Making theatre.

OK, well, come on. You also probably knew that. But, I got to talking to some folks a couple of weeks ago and again, the "busy" word came up. And, one person asked me - have you had a break? To this, I pondered and began to say- well of course I...wait a minute.

I have been involved in shows since January of 2007.

Yes, I can say - well, I didn't do anything in May, but I was moving and my goodness, that was a production in itself. But, I realized, that out of all my goals - most of which have been going by the side of the road - I did accomplish that one. I have been doing theatre for over a straight year now. And, for a lot of it, I have been getting a stipend. So, paid work at that.

This is definitely where I say - be careful what you wish for.

I also feel that I have learned a lot in this year in the theatre world as well. And, on occasion, I have been called upon by peers in my different fields for suggestions, recommendations and knowledge that for some odd reason, I possess. I am starting to feel like the little engine that could. I am starting to see the top of the hill.

The only thing I wonder now is - what is over the top and will I enjoy the ride. Or am I just about to go out of control?

Ordinary World

2008-03-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

Last night, I took a moment to myself to smoke a cigarette and got to look out over a portion of our fair city. Listen to the traffic below, see the lights on all the buildings, look at the people across the street in their apartments, hear the people talking to other people as they went on their way.

This reminded me of one of my first nights in New York City.

When I first moved here, I was only smoking one cigarette a week. I chose to take that one cigarette on the roof of my apartment building - my apartment being a 10X12 room. I lived off of 57th street and Lexington Ave. I was relieved when I first heard that I had roof access. From the cramped living quarters to the cramped everyday life of New York, it was nice to know I had a place where I could feel space.

I would go up to the roof and scan the whole city. It was gorgeous. All the lights and sounds. The first time I went up there it was a little overwhelming, the big city. But as I took it all in, the stars I missed were replaced with the lights and buildings I would grow to love.

I also began to remember all the times I would be walking home from seeing a show or going through Times Square or walking through Central Park on my way to school. I would ever so often stop for a second out of glee and think - my gosh, I live in New York City.

Last night, after remembering this, I tried to re-kindle that moment for this great city. But, it wasn't there. That awe of where I am. It has been replaced by a feeling of this is where I live. This is my home. This is normalcy.

Well, I have been here for over a decade.

But, I still wanted that feeling. It should still be there. I get excited walking home when I realize where I live and how much I love the neighborhood and all the things that encompass it. I decided that there had to be another reason for not feeling that "awe" than just the fact that I've been here for awhile. Then, it dawned on me. New York was my goal. I have attained it.

My dream was to live in New York - I am. To work in theatre - I am. To be able to make a living - I am (well sort of). I am doing everything I have set out to do.

I still didn't feel satisfied with my thoughts on all this. So, what did I do - I turned to my music.

Ordinary World by Duran Duran came on. At first listen I thought - exactly, right, I'm living in an ordinary world. What was once a place of excitement and newness was now just ordinary. Great. Well, what should I do now?

Then, I listened to the song again, and again, and again. Really paying close attention to the lyrics.

I love it when a song speaks to you. Or, you can insert your own feelings or life into it. Some would say speak - others insert - I like thinking it speaks to me. The lyrics reflected feelings, ideas, situations (in a very broad term) that had happened up to a year ago to things that had happened just recently. And, after my day - meditating, releasing here, reflecting there, the above moment, etc., I felt satisfied with my answer. And, felt that the day had come, full circle.

What I took from it? Time to dry my eyes from my past heartaches and start moving to solid ground. There are also things in the world around me that are much bigger than what is going on in my own head. I need to stop trying to regain some semblance of my past and start trying to find out who I am and what my life is now. I can't re-kindle that moment of the excitement of the city no more than I can bring back the life I once loved.

This has definitely been a true Spring Equinox/Easter for me. I can feel the warm in the air. Time to shake off the leaves.

Ordinary World Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all? Crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say:
'Pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me? Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
Just blown away

And I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world,
Every world is our world,
Every world

Hey, I Put My New Shoes On...

2008-03-18T10:36:00.000-04:00

I am a year older and hopefully I have been able to take last year's lessons and information to be able to say the proverbial - one year older and wiser.

I have been feeling like I have been a drift a vast ocean for so long. Or, like I've told some of my friends, being re-created from the burnt ashes of experience. My own Icarus Phoenix if you will(I should write about that sometime). But only now am I being able to stand fully upright and brushing off the soot.

I am one year older.

And, when being born, one is stripped from their mother's womb, the one warm, comforting place you knew for so many months and slapped on the back and then, at least in my day, placed on a cold metal scale. This is your welcome to the world - your birth. Of course, this would leave anyone a little cranky.

I was really cranky last week.

However, this morning I woke up, from underneath my warm blankets, feeling somewhat satisfied. Like everything would be OK. That everything was OK.

Was this from talking to my mom last night? Was this from starting auditions for Colorful World? Was this from having a populus of people saying Happy Birthday to me for three days straight (which by the way - thank you!)? Was it the Tarot card reading I got and the results of that? I don't know. And, it could be, that nothing above actually changed my perception. I just was...that, of feeling alright, for the first time in I don't know how long.

That's not to say that over this past year there weren't mornings I woke up giddy over this or that. Or found myself happily walking down the street. Or loving ever minute of being with my friends. I have found myself happy and feeling alright multiple times over this year.

This morning I woke up feeling satisfied. Like I can do anything.

The world is in front of me. I am a year older and hopefully wiser. I have learned from all of my teachers, the world, around me. I believe I am ready to re-start out on my path. This is both scary and exciting. Part of me wants to crawl back under the covers and just relish that feeling of satisfaction. But, I know the feeling will pass. So, I just have to keep on going, like I have been, and see what this new year will bring.

This feeling of satsifaction? I hope it lasts.

Never Stop Rocking....

Happy Birthday to .......

2008-03-11T09:55:00.000-04:00

My dad.

Today would have been his 66Th birthday.

I had been contemplating when to take down the memorial on my web page - has it been up there long enough or has my page become more about death and my father? This will be the last day that it stays at the top of my page. Tomorrow, it will move. I was going to take the whole thing off, but my dad was such a part of my life and made me who I am, that he deserves a spot on my blog.

And, I am not saying that in a few days, weeks or months, you won't be getting another "dad" story or memory. I feel that this is one process I can blog about without hurting feelings or others. And, it's a part of every one's life - everyone will go through this, the act of loosing a parent.

So, today is kind of a rough day. It really hit me last night. I don't know if this has happened to you, but I have had a tendency in my life, that after someone has died, forgetting they are gone. You go through the motions, the funeral, the grieving all of that, then you go on with your life. Then one day, you are talking with someone and blurt out, I should get that for or I should tell "insert dead loved one here". Last night was one of those moments. Where I got excited for a second that tomorrow was my dad's birthday. Then, almost instantly, my mood swung to the other side.

I then began to remember those years when I was super busy (even more than I am now) and would suddenly realize that my father's birthday was a day or two away. And, running out to get a birthday gift or card, knowing it would be getting to him late. But, also knowing that a call to him would be his ideal gift. He would say, "You don't (or didn't) have to get me anything, kiddo. Just talking to you is a gift enough." There may have been one or two days over my ... years, where I suddenly realized at midnight or the next day that I had missed my dad's birthday. I would run to the phone or, now, yank it out of my pocket and call him immediately. In those situations he would just say don't worry about it. "I'm too old for birthday's anyway."

Here's to you pops. Happy Birthday.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

In other news, some of you have been asking about the smoking cut down. I smoked my one during the day and only had 2 at home last night. That's right - only 3 in one day. And, by the by, it is weird that I am proud of such a fact, seeing that a few years ago, I could go 3 or 4 days without having none. Oh well! Oh and the rule for March is: only 1 during working hours. I can have up to 2 if I am just at home. 5 if I am going out. And, for theatre work - as many as I like, which has been about 3 or 4, depending on the night. Weekends is still smoke if you got em'.

(And by the way - Thank you dear readers - checked out my readership the other day and it has almost tripled - thanks for passing my link, adding it or what have you. It's so nice to know there are more than 5 people reading this. :) )

Ghost in the Machine?

2008-02-28T09:38:00.000-05:00

I got my father's Ipod after he passed away. My mother already had one and didn't need another one. This is the second time I have gotten an Ipod I did not want, nor ask for, just given to me. I'm not real jazzed about the circumstances on this gift, but it is a gift none the less.

I've listened to what he had on his Ipod. Some music I believe came with the Ipod, but mostly he had audio books. He had gotten his Ipod for his last birthday in March, so he didn't have a lot of time to use it. However, I really believe he got it so that he could listen to the audio books on trips. He used to listen to books on tape while driving. I have no clue how he stayed awake. I tired to listen to the "Two Towers", which is a great audio book - John Dale narrating - but after about 5 minutes I was fast asleep as if I were a child being read a bed time story.

I recently figured out how to get all my dad's music and audio books off his Ipod, onto my ITunes and all my stuff on to his Ipod. It was a simple confusion of "import" meaning importing to my computer, not importing new stuff onto the Ipod (thank you to the person who gave me the heads up on that). It is so nice to have all my stuff on one Ipod. And, quite exciting.

So, after doing all that, I took it out for a test spin. And, decided to write down what the first three songs were. As, I am one of those people that believe things happen in threes/meaning in threes, etc. Now, anyone can put meaning into anything. And, maybe I did this here, but the first 3 songs that came from my once father's Ipods spoke to me, some a little more than others. I listed them below in order and put the lyrics as well.

1. "39" By Queen. Which has come to be one of my favorite songs now. After I listened to the 3 songs and some others, I went back and listened to the this song over and over again - and you could say, found religion or my spirit was moved, take your pick. (When I am a little down, I listen to this song now.) The song has a definite "dad" feeling for me. It speaks to his toughness. It speaks to his sense of duty and perseverance. It has that bit of a dirge/country feel. (On my level, it spoke to the lil' pirate in me.) And, this verse, do I need to explain: "Don't you hear my call, Though you're many years away, Don't you hear me calling you, Write your letters in the sand, For the day I'll take your hand, In the land that our grand-children knew". And, then the last line: "For my life, still ahead, pity me." Maybe I'm stretching here.

In the year of thirty-nine
Assembled here the volunteers
In the days when lands were few
Here the ship sailed out into the blue and sunny morn
The sweetest sight ever seen
And the night followed day
And the story tellers say
That the score brave souls inside
For many a lonely day
Sailed across the milky seas
Ne'er looked back never feared never cried

Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew

In the year of thirty-nine
Came a ship in from the blue
The volunteers came home that day
And they bring good news
Of a world so newly born
Though their hearts so heavily weigh
For the earth is old and grey
little darlin' we'll away
But my love this cannot be
Oh so many years have gone
Though i'm older but a year
Your mother's eyes from your eyes cry to me

Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew

Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
All your letters in the sand
Cannot heal me like your hand
For my life, still ahead, pity me.

2. "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. The first sentence I ever said was "It's a sunny day." My parents told me I would get up in the morning, run to window, pull open the curtains and say "It's a sunny day." Even if it was raining outside or cloudy and not a bit of sun in the sky, I would say it. They don't know where I picked this up. When this song came on next, I almost cried.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
It's all right.
It's all right.

3. "Lucky" - Second Hand Jive. This was a song from my dad's Ipod. It has a country feel, so even if it didn't come with the Ipod, I am sure that he liked it, being a good ole country boy and all. My father, every time he did something for me, he said he was "making an investment". And, that he knew that investment was a good one and a chance he would take anytime. That's what I got out of this. There are a couple of lines that of course were not a part of this thinking - the wine and the stoned ones. OK - those were a little weird.

Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is what to do with all of your charms.
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I had the lovin' you show

Well I place my bet no matter the line
Well I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me home
Yeah with lucky near I can't go wrong

Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is all the love you've given so far
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I've had a taste of your wine.

Yeah Well I place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong

No I can't

Come on lucky

Listen
I'll place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong

So, you tell me. How much am I reading into this and how much could be my father speaking from the beyond?

My Eyes Are Dry....

2008-02-25T16:36:00.000-05:00

I have other things I am about to post, but as I am writing, I am squinting. Then blinking. Rubbing my eyes. Drinking water. A little better. Then squinting. And, repeat.

Winter and working in an office is drying out my eyes. Could also be the fact that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.

That could be because I have been having to buy water to get water bottles to put my water in. And, after a week or so of uses, you can tell that the plastic is starting to carrying around some bacteria perhaps. Or just general ickyness.

I've been having to buy water to get the water bottles because I lost my Nalgene. I realized today that I have bought a total of 3 Nalgenes in the past 8 years or so. They're great bottles. I have even dropped one down a path of a mountain, came back for it later and found that it was just scratched. All my Nalgenes I have had to replace, I have lost.

Oh wait, what's this? A package.

I got my 2 new Nalgenes. Yay!

I wonder if this will help my eyes?

Non-sequitor lady signing off.

Shamless Plug #???? - Nosedive's Boxcar Social

2008-02-15T10:48:00.000-05:00

In an effort to raise funds for our Spring production of James Comtois' Colorful World, Nosedive is throwing a fundraiser at the Battle Ranch in Williamsburg this weekend.

Featuring The Amazing Amazini, the poetry stylings of Brian Silliman, some new video sketches by our own tribe of sick little monkeys, a raffle featuring: Some of Nosedive's DVD Collection and tickets to Vampire Cowboy's Fight Girl, Battle World - and every one's favorite BEER!

So come on down to the Battle Ranch on Saturday, win some stuff, enjoy some eclectic entertainment, drink yourself silly and help us put on a show!

Nosedive's Boxcar Social
at The Vampire Cowboy's Battle Ranch
111 Conselyea Street, 2L (Williamsburg, Brooklyn) Saturday, February 16th, 7pm-11pm.
$5 Cover, $2 beers, and $1 Jello Shots

Sponsored by Brooklyn Brewery

If you can't make it Saturday night, you can always give a little back by going here. We would really appreciate it!
https://www.fracturedatlas.org/site/contribute/donate/188

Part Deux - The Act of Slowing Down.....

2008-02-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

My Smoking.

Part 2 - Developing my smoking and how the hell is Stephanie going to cut down.

So, over the course of that year, I cut down and when I got to NY, I swore I would only have a cigarette once a week - if even that. And, I did very well on that. Not even really smoking for months on end. Ever so often there were a few weeks where I would smoke more. A lot of the AMDA kids did smoke and since you could still smoke in bars back then, I did smoke more some nights than others.

Then, AMDA was over; I quit smoking for almost 2 years when...

I joined a band as a back-up singer. My thinking was - well, the lead singer, she won't smoke. Oh, I was so wrong. She smoked. She smoked a lot. A couple of her band mates smoked. So, the more we rehearsed and the more we performed, the more I began to smoke again. However, when I had more than 4 or 5 cigarettes in one night, I got the cigarette hangover the next day. Some of you might know what this is. It is a headache and feels like your brain is drying up. You can almost hear it crinkle. I hated that, so that kept my smoking down some.

Then, one of band mates introduced me to American Spirits. That changed everything.

They weren't the best tasting at first, but I soon came around to them. And, what do you know - no cigarette hangover the next day. So, I kept up to about a pack a month, or every 2 weeks, depending on what was going on. Bands came and went and so did my smoking.

Then, I joined Nosedive Productions.

And, the smoking has not gone down since. I've quit for a week here or there, but once a production comes up - I am smoking right along side them. But, it is not just them. I have done other productions with other theatre groups and I still smoke. And, there was the whole Master's Degree. Yeah, good time to quit. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

So, after that ball of twine, my knitted sweater above of my life and cigarettes, here is the real point - I am trying to cut down, if not quit all together. And, this is all for health reasons and money. I know I will feel better when I wake up. I know my voice will be better for singing. I know I will have a little more money during the week. These are all things that I know.

But, I do love a good cigarette ever so often.

How am I doing it? First off, as I have learned, going cold turkey does not work. Not that I can't do it, because I have many times. I just get really sick. Bronchitis, pneumonia, you name it. If I quit tomorrow, I would be coughing and wheezing 72 hours. Which, I just always find ironic. When I quit, this is when I get the smoker's cough.

So, I have started by watching how much I smoke during the day. I was at 3 a day in January. Now I am at 2 a day come February. I am hoping to get back to not smoking during the day. Granted, I will still take my "non" smoke breaks, just not smoke. A friend of mine did this. I thought he was a smoker for a year cause he would always go down with the smokers on breaks, but found out he used to smoke, but quit. He went down with the smokers because why should he give up that "break" time.

I have given myself a few more options when the sun comes down. If I go straight home, I can have 2 total. I have to pick when my two will be. I started doing it on my way home from the train, but then had only one for the rest of the night. So, I now listen to my ipod or call someone on my way home from the train. Then March, it will only be one. Then April - no more at home.

Party or going out. I can have as many as I want until March. Then I will start pairing down much like above - probably starting with 5 in the night, then 4, and so on.

However, one part of my life will not change - the Theatre Production. Smoking is definitely part of my creative process/stress reducer, you name it. Like alcohol and cigarettes. Same with theatre. It is technically where I started and along with it being a gift from my grandma, it becomes a little more sacred. Or at least that is my reasoning. And, with theater, there will be a break in rehearsal, before performance, where I will go downstairs (cause rehearsal or performance spaces, there are always stairs), collect my thoughts and smoke a cigarette. It is my meditation in that world.

So, I don't plan on quitting completely. I just can't see myself doing that. This is kind of funny because when I was younger, I never saw myself smoking. So, smokes if you got em'. Cause there is nothing quite like taking a drag off of "the little death".

The Act of Slowing Down....

2008-02-13T13:36:00.000-05:00

My Smoking.

Part One - the History of Stephanie and the Cigarette:

Smoking was a big No-No in my family. Although, all my grandparents (well, except my mom's mother) and most Uncles and Aunts, smoked. When I was 3 or 4, I remember my Uncle twirling a cigarette and then throwing it up in the air and catching it in his mouth. I wanted to do that too. So, I went over to his pack and picked one up. I don't really remember what exactly happened. I just remember commotion and being swooped up and a lot of "No's" being said and I think I got swatted on the butt.

I had no clue that a cigarette was bad. That just looked like a neat trick.

I also was not allowed to play in a room where people were smoking. I was a very sick child growing up with a lot of cases of pneumonia. As I got older and less sickly, that rule got little more lenient. However, most of the time, when I was around cigarette smoke, I would get woozy, nauseated, hard time breathing or all of the above.

I never thought I would ever smoke or even be able. I didn't like the way I felt when I was around it, so why even bother trying. And, since I mostly hung out with the geeks and band nerds, I was never really around it.

Only once do I remember actually thinking, I want a cigarette. High school. I was dating the lead singer of a band. (A band all my friends were in as well.) And, he ended up dumping me for a bleached blond hottie from Sweetwater, TX. (And, going to a tangent for a moment - I ended up, in college, getting dumped by the guitarist of another band for said Sweetwater chic. Irony? Or just dumb luck? Small world?) Any way, I was talking to my friends about the break up and said hottie and got really frustrated and angry and sad and just blurted out - "What I wouldn't do for a cigarette right now."

What, wait? I had never smoked in my life.

My friends I was with had been smoking ever so often. And, even though I did hang out with the above mentioned geeks, I did have friends who smoked. But, except for that one time when I was 3 or 4, I never really touched a cigarette.

Then, came college and I ended up doing a scene for my acting class where the character smoked. Seeing that I wanted to play the scene as close as possible, I set out to teach myself to smoke.

No dice. Didn't work.

I had friends that tried to help me. Tried to teach me. Nothing. I couldn't inhale. Every time I tried I would gag or cough. Or, I just couldn't. My friends told me to just keep trying and practice. By the time the performance of the scene happened, I was no where near being a convincing smoker. My director/professor really liked the scene, however, he told me that if he ever saw me on stage not inhaling when I smoked - basically, looking fake - he would come up on stage and slap the cigarette out of my mouth.

I didn't touch cigarettes again. Decided probably for the best.

Then, my 21st birthday. I was going to Lubbock to see my grandmother. She was an amazing lady and if I had to pick a favorite relative - it was her. She was a smoker since she was 16. She had stopped smoking about 5 years before her death. A week before my 21st birthday, while on a choir tour, I saw her. She gave me a ring of hers and told me to take it because I would never see her again. I told her that I would be coming down for Spring Break and she didn't need to give this to me now. She said she just knew I would never see her again and she wanted to make sure this one ring got to me. Anyway, Spring Break came and I did not get down to see her. Then, the day after my 21st birthday, she passed away in her sleep that morning.

Some friends took me out that night, after a rehearsal, for the birthday drink and to comfort me. I was really shaken up. I had other family members die, but this was the first one that really hit me hard. We were all drinking; I was talking about my grandmother when I asked one of my friends for a cigarette. He said sure, gave me one and then reminded me of the "not being able to smoke" thing. He lit it, and I inhaled and had no problem smoking.

Thanks Grandma. Thanks for the gift of smoking.

So, after that, I smoked VERY rarely. One or two every few months. I started with Lucky Strikes (non-filter), then went to Camel (no filter) before I finally became a Camel Lights girl. Again, smoking rarely, or better yet the social smoker - only at parties where large quantities of alcohol were served.

It wasn't until I was graduating college. I was directing a full length piece (that I had to design all myself, from lights to costumes to set - you get the picture) while working 2 jobs (Facilitator at a Ropes Course and Waitress at a Black-Eyed Pea). I worked the Ropes Course, then went to wait tables, then went to the theatre to work on my set. I walked out onto the docks of the theatre at about 5:30am that morning to watch the sun come up and have a cigarette. I reached into my pack and there was only one left. I bought this pack yesterday. I smoked a whole pack in 24 hours.

Woah, this is not good. I'm no longer a social smoker. I'm a smoker.

January Was Not the Month I Was Waiting For - But Awesome None The Less

2008-02-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

So, my January was not as laid back as I had been waiting for. I know, "waiting", wouldn't that be hoping? No, waiting. Since about Septmeber, I have been waiting for January to come around and give me some nice nights off and weekends off. Go out, watch movies, maybe organize my life a little more. Not the case.

1. Rapid Vamps Fight Studio held by the Vampire Cowboys - Instructor Qui Nguyen. This started that very first weekend in January and came to a close this past Sunday. Awesome, awesome class. And, although I lost one day of couch time on my weekend, it was totally worth it. This is my 3rd time taking the class. Even though a lot of it is the same, it is definitely worth taking more than once. You see your own improvement and moves or techniques that didn't make sense before suddenly do. And, there is always something new or different that Qui throws in.
2. Dance/Movement piece with Catherine Gasta for the New Dance Group. One night Catherine and I were talking in my kitchen and she mentioned she needed dancers for a piece she was choreographing that would perform at the end of January. She would be using some dance technique and mime and some acting. She showed me some moves, I attempted to repeat, even though I had 3 beers at this point. And, she asked me to be involved. One of my goals last year was to get back into some sort of dance. Having a tight budget, didn't really get to that. So, it was nice to start off the New Year with a goal from last year accomplished. The performance went really well the other night. The rehearsals were challenging, but rewarding. And, Catherine also used me as a sounding board on rehearsing, choreographing and such. And, most importantly, I kept up with the young kids.
3. Pinkie Episode 5. Not that I have been doing that much with the whole series, I did help slightly with the organizing and the filming and the drinking of the beer that night. It has really been a delight to be a part of this series. Vampire Cowboys has found a fun and creative way for other Off-Off Broadway companies to meet and mingle. It doesn't feel like networking, yet I met some people that I hope I keep in contact with. It was like summer camp. It was so great to see everyone, see their shows and it was really sad to see it come to an end. I hope that we can take Pinkie and make it into a full length. It was such a joy to watch.
4. IT Awards Judges Video. Granted this just started, but I will be part of the Innovative Theatre Awards instructional video for the judges. Did a rehearsal, got to see the story boards and hear how everything was going to work. I am excited to see how this goes. They are definitely shooting this in a very creative way.
5. Vampire Cowboys - Fight Girl, Battle World. Got to sit in on the reading of this soon to be amazing show that I got the honor to be Assistant Stage Managing. Have you noticed I have been writing a lot about Vampire Cowboys? They are definitely hot. I mean, with a name like that? And, if you haven't heard of them, check them out. www.vampirecowboys.com
6. Colorful World. Nosedive's new show had it's initial reading. I'm really excited about where this show is going to go. So, I have been doing the normal things I do, except, since we have the script, I have been able to get the ball rolling early. Also, because space is getting harder and harder to find 2 months out, we pushed our production dates to May instead of April. I am also probably going to need to the most research on this show than I have with any other in the past. Although, it is total geek girl moment for me: comic book reading. Oh yeah - giggity!
7. A Night With Alan Cumming. Okay, not a whole night, but an hour where a (sadly incompetent) interviewer talked about Alan's career. It was a freebie I got for going to NYU. Alan came in, in a wrinkled pin stripe suit and the interviewer let us know that he just got off work at 5pm. With the wrinkled suit and just how approachable he seemed, I thought, oh, he works a day job too? Of course this was rehearsal. He is doing The Seagull with Diane Weist (I believe). He decided to sit on the chair arm so that the back row could see him and was so very kind to the interviewer even though the questions he was asking were not as pertinent to his career. The talk back was much more interesting. Another goal I have is to go to as many of my freebies from NYU that I can. So, goal #2, working on it.

That's about it. I mean, there were the few nights out and a few movie viewings, but January was much more different than I envisioned. Now, I am in February, the shortest month of the year, then the roller coaster starts to go on the downhill until June. But, looking back over the month, I am so blessed to have had so many creative outlets to be a part of. And, although it was not the most restful, I feel like I have taken a step up in my artist career.

Death, Dying, Living

2008-01-30T14:58:00.001-05:00

So, I was wanting to post this after the "Part 3", but holidays, getting ready for another show, holidays, getting ready for another show (you get the picture), permitted me from doing so. I was going to write more about the week after my father's death and what happened, but instead, I wanted to hopefully give you some knowledge on what I learned about a parent's death. All of you that read my blog (all 2 of you :)).

So, I went back to my journal and found the 2 pages that were written between me and my friend Alissa. On a side note Alissa and my other friend Marjori, dropped work to drive 8 hours to be with me and my mom to help out. I would not have gotten through the week without them.

The Living/Dead list:

- Back to NYC - Tue. Night (this was written when I was flying to Houston - thinking that a miracle was going to happen - ironic how this was at the top of the list that later became - the list of sorting out the living and the dead)
- Hair Appt - Wed. AM (my mom hadn't had her hair cut in 2 months)
- Sew Up Drapes - Wed./Thur. (my mom had just put up new drapes b/4 my dad went in for the operation and hadn't had time to hymn them)
- Bills - Wed/Thur. - categorized/paid (having to figure out what was paid, what needed to be paid and just what was what)
- Pills - Wed./Thur. (my mom's medication. didn't want 2 funerals that week.)
- Obituary - Wed.
- Craig - Wed. (this is the Rev. at FUMC where my parents had attended church. And, also, where I attended growing up. got to see a lot of familar faces there.)
- Headstone - Wed. - Denton (this was the funeral home), Casket, Claudia's Hair (my dad's sister had a box of my dad's hair from his first hair cut. his mother had given it to his sister before she died and his sister had been forgetting to give it to him. so, we decided it would go with him in the casket)
- Fri - Food, Plates, s/u stuff, ice
- Dry Clean - Dad's suit - Wed.
- Limo - Wed.
- Photo - Dad (a picture for the paper)
- Grocery List
- Germany Trip - change name (my mom and dad had planned on going to Germany and had already put a down payment on the trip. i was originally going to go in his place.)
- call Late bills
- Get rid of trash
- call flower shop (for flowers for the casket)
- pick up/call for flowers that need to be delivered
- Call HS about inquiring years of coaching - what sports (this was for the obit.)
- Clear shoe boxes for bills (we were setting up a system for my mom - we ended up just buying some nice boxes and folders for her)

We had determined the funeral was going to be Friday, so we technically only had 48 hours to pull this off (did I mention that I had contracted bronchittis? Well, heck, if I had SMed and run a show with walking pneumonia, I was sure I could get through this.)

It really did become a time of getting ready for an event, not a death. Which in some ways helped. The saddnessan> came in more manageable sizes.

After many phone calls, conversations, and more lists, here is my hindsight information. Things that could have been done before hand and things I learned along the way.

1. Bills and Finances. Parents should keep a list of where everything is kept and how the filing is done. Now, it won't be perfect, but something that will help when needing to find things in a pinch. That list should be shared with the child(ren).

2. Funeral Homes. In my opinion, we went to about the best one ever. I didn't realize how much they did for you. Here's what I remember:
- transportation of body (if necessary). fyi, the hospital will not release the body until they know which funeral home you are using. but, yes, the funeral home takes care of that.
- death certificates and life insurance. they can get all the information necessary and make sure checks and death certificates get to the right place. all states are different on this (since my father died in Texas, but was living in New Mexico, there was a little more of a wait and the price is different). also, on death certificates, buy more than you need - cheaper if you buy in bulk. if you need to order more, you are going to pay a higher price for one at a time.
- obituary - we got a call from the paper when we got home, but if you don't have a funeral announcement or obit - they will help you write it up and get all the information over to the newspaper.
- plot or "land". the people in the biz like to call it "land". we also went ahead and got a bit of "land" for my mom too.
- casket - but of course. of course they are "containers" or some other word she used. this was a very emotional momment. it makes it especially real. she walked in and described some of them, then left us to look for a bit. my mom had to leave the room, so in the end, i picked it out.
- thank you cards and books for people to sign in. funny how funerals and weddings are very similar.
- graveside or church funeral. from there they give you options and make all the arrangements with all the people involved including pallbearers, ushers, etc.
- transportation of family on the day of the funeral
- alerting the police for a funeral procession
- where all the flowers are going - to the house or the funeral home. on a personal note - have some sent to the funeral home if you are having a gravesite service. it's nice to know there will be some flowers at the gravesite when all is said and done.
- tombstone. they however, do not take care of this or at least this funeral home did not - you have to order that seperately - they will give you connections. they'll help with where it needs to go, giving them the "land" information, but they don't order these. (we still haven't done that yet - and it's OK to wait)

3. Food. There will not be a problem with food. But, ice - if you are having some sort of gathering at your home after the funeral - don't forget ice. One mistake we did make was going to the grocery store and stocking up on cheese plates and bread and all sorts of snacks for the gathering after the funeral. We had so much food that people had brought in over the course of the week - from full meals to snacks, to bottled water, to sodas, you get the picture. People want to help you and one of the most popular ways is food. My mom didn't have to go grocery shopping until after Thanksgiving.

4. Do Things That Are Extremely Important - Time Sensitive, Sort Of. First off, giving a call to those bill payments that are past due, but can't be taken care of now. Saying, "Sorry I am late with my payment, my _______________ just passed away." works pretty darn well. And, honestly, one could probably even wait more time than we did. But, seeing that I was only there for the week, things had to get done. Even the ordering of the death certificates can wait for about 60 days. If you remember something that needs to be done, write it down. Put it someplace where you can remember it and do it when you are a little stronger.

5. Organize/Clean As Much As You Can - When one or both parents pass, there are always things that were left in the "get to that later pile". Sometimes that pile was noted, sometimes not. Also, at least in my mom's case, she had been away for 3 weeks. Mail had piled up, laundry had to be done, etc. I can't say for certain on this next point, but there is something to say about keeping busy when things go wrong. Lying in bed and not moving for days also sounds like a pretty good plan too, but I think keeping busy was probably the better option.

There were A LOT more lists that were written of course. Not to sound callous, but it reminded me a lot of preparing for a benefit (which of course, as the song goes that some of you know of - you never can). And, I was reminded of the scene in The Big Chill when Glenn Close says to her friends at a funeral reception which was in her home- "I do put on a good funeral". Cause, after all that happened that week, it was so nice to have a house full of people. My parent's house, my home for so many years, hadn't seen that since I was very young. Everyone talking and, under the cirumstances, having a good time. Living amongst the death.

Goodbye 2007 - Hello 2008!

2008-01-04T16:33:00.000-05:00

So, 2007 finally let it's ugly ass out the door. Wow, what a year it has been. For so many too. I for one, am happy to say it is over. Although, marking an end of a year doesn't mean that things are suddenly going to be different or that your life will be changing for better, or worse. But, I guess for most (me included), it gives the allusion that life can start again, and, be better this time around.

One of my friends said that I should be awarded the shittest year award. Granted, I am sure there are other people who had a far worse year than me and would look at my year and say it was cherry.

But, I was happy to accept my award on New Year's Night (morning?), which was a Papier-mâché douche bag pinata, that when opened was full of 14 mini bottles of Captain Morgan's Rum, feathers, streamers and little tambourines. One of my best gifts of the holiday season.

However, I have to say, I received A LOT of blessings this year too. There were large life changing events. But, my life was sprinkled with multiple blessings through out the year. In the beginning of the year, I kept my mind on the blessings of just shelter, food and a job. By looking at just those essentials, the larger blessings looked liked multiple Goodyear Blimps.

I got asked to work on shows for money. WTF - you can get paid for this? I got a great apartment near transportation and my job. I got a good job that keeps in beer and skittles and the creditors off my back. I acted in not one, but 3 Off-Off Broadway shows this year. Yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for.

But, one of my most treasured blessings is my friends. I found out this year just how great the people in my life truly are. I always knew they were wonderful, I just never knew how amazing they are.

A lot of people have said how strong I am this year. One part of that is the company I keep. Without them this year, whether near or far, I would have never gotten through the year in one piece.

So, yes, 2007 brought some really hard changes. But, from those changes, I was given a lot. Like the pinata, what looked like a douche bag on the outside, was full of wonderful things on the inside.

Thank you, thank you all of my friends. Cheers and Happy New Years.

2007 Needs to Stop Now

2007-12-28T16:27:00.000-05:00

Just got off the phone with my mom. She got home and got news that a good friend of hers died in a car accident on Wednesday. Here is what I found in the Carlsbad Current Argus (I also found that it was reported in 2 other newspapers.)

Carlsbad woman dies in Texas auto accident
From the Current-Argus

CARLSBAD — A Carlsbad woman died Wednesday in a single-vehicle accident near Plains, Texas, according to reports in a Lubbock newspaper.
Rita Woodfield, 67, apparently overcorrected when her 2003 Ford F-150 drifted off the road six miles west of Plains, on U.S. Highway 82.

Woodfield was wearing a seatbelt, but was killed when the truck flipped, according to information from the Texas Department of Public Safety.

Funeral services are set for 2 p.m. Monday at United Methodist Church with Pastor John Burke of New Song Christian Fellowship Church officiating. Interment will follow in Carlsbad Cemetery, new section, with arrangements by West Funeral Home.

The Woodfields were friends of ours when I was very young. I used to play with their 2 children Dara Lynn and DJ.

About 5 years or so ago, Rita's husband died suddenly. She had a very hard time adjusting as anyone would and had just recently started dating again.

After my father's death, she came over and talked to my mom for quite awhile. And, my mom and her had plans to go on trips together, seeing they were both about the same age and single. She was also someone with whom my mom was able to talk to, and who understood her kind of loss.

So, I am asking, oh great 2007, please, may this have been your last hurrah of heartbreak. I have had some other friends and family who have lost more than their share this year. We're done loosing.

And, to 2008, please show us some mercy. Whether we deserve it or not.

I wish to those of you who are traveling or just out having a good time on New Year's Eve saftely and safe travels.

Put Mom On A Plane

2007-12-27T16:23:00.000-05:00

My mom came up this year for Christmas - landing on December 15 to see me in A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol and staying with me until today.

When my parents would visit in the past, it was always so wonderful to have them around, but a bit of a relief when they would leave. Things could go back to status quot, etc.

So, when I dropped my mom off today, I thought it would be a relief. But, it was the first time I walked away and cried. I believe one factor was that she was traveling alone and that made me very sad. The other was, she was such a joy to have around and I love my mother unconditionally, so much. I mean, how do you put into words, if you have it, the love for the woman that gave you life? For me, being adopted, this was the woman that decided to take care of me and raise me as her own. Both of my parents. This was a conscious decision. So, to say goodbye, watch her walk away, was heartbreaking. I now wish she could have stayed longer.

It was also awesome to be able to introduce my mom to my family here in New York. My parents usually came around when everyone was away on vacation. This time, I had the opportunity to introduce my mom to (as many as I could) special people of my life. All the dinners and times out with my friends, she really enjoyed.

There were a few moments of frustration on both parts. But even after having to buy a $4 metrocard because of miss-swipes, she still trudged on and seemed to have a good time. And, a break. And, rest.

Out of all the stories and all the things that happened - this was probably my most embarrassing/funniest things I remember one of my friends saying.

Mom: "Stephie, don't you drink too much. I want you to be able to stay awake on the subway ride home."

Leslie: "Oh Janie, if there is one thing you don't have to worry about is when Stephanie drinks."

Aw memories. :)

Worst Blogger Ever - OK, Maybe Not the Worst, But...

2007-12-18T10:34:00.000-05:00

So, I had one more post about death and dying that I have been working on (well on and off) for a couple of weeks now. Granted, this does not mean it will be this polished, beautifully poised, grammatically spectacular post. It will be my usual disjointed, stream of conscious self. Hopefully with just a better outline.

I wouldn't want to disappoint all 5 of my readers. :)

But, with the holiday seasons, I thought a post on DEATH, would be a little morbid, if not inappropriate. Although, I am sometimes for the inappropriate, this isn't the kind I like to go for. It isn't sexy. Not the way it should be - to quote some Boogie Nights there.

And, with the show ("A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol") coming to a close, I let out the collective sigh of relief. Nosedive has produced, since September, 5 or 6 shows? Two mainstage - at least 3 or 4 shorter works. Although I was not involved as much with the shorter works, they were always on the radar and attended-when not in a show. So, my life has not been my own. So, it has been nice to go - Ah, I don't have to think about theatre for a bit.

Which, by the way, I have never, ever said out loud or written ever.

Yup, folks, I am officially burned out. This year, along with all the Theatre I have done, has taken it's toll. I want a break! So, I am looking forward to enjoying some quiet time with a book (or a blog when I am at work) and a cup of coffee, tea or hot cocoa.

Although, there are 3 foibles in this delicious plan. My mom, the holidays and friends coming up for New Years. Maybe more challenges than foibles. I love having my mom here. It is good to get her away from the house that has been causing her some grief. And it gives her a break from all the people. I know that sounds weird - the all the people part. But, my mom has not had a break since the funeral. Maybe, at the most - 2 or 3 days where no one has called or come over. I am happy to report that she is sleeping through the night and enjoying the quiet time at the house.

Holidays - this is the first year, I think since I was young or maybe teenage/college years, where I have gotten an extreme case of the Holiday Blues. I can bullet point/laundry list the reasons I have come up with why I feel this way, but really, why bother. Those that know me, you can probably figure it out. So, I am planning a tradition I used to have - read a Stephen King book for the holidays. I am picking back up the Dark Tower series and getting back to it. I am on book 2. And, at about 10pm each night that I am home, I will just pick up my book and begin to read. I tried this last night with my comic book. My mom chatted a bit, then got a book of her own. It was lovely.

Friends coming up for New Years - a friend of mine, since I was about 15 or so, is coming up with her boyfriend for New Years. I will admit, I was kind of hoping it would just be her. Then we could run around with my friends, have girls night out sort of adventures. But, alas, for her to be able to come up here, she needed cheap tickets and her boyfriend could do that for her. But, I can still attempt to have some quiet time by letting them go out and adventure on their own. And, since there are 2 of them, they can entertain each other. I don't need to entertain the whole time. I am really interested in seeing what my New Year's will be like this year. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it is at least moderately good. A 5 to 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. That would be nice.

Look forward to posting - hopefully a lot more in 2008. I at least need to do a wrap up of 2007 and a look into my 2008. Would you like that? If not, let me know. :)

And, I just wanted to say - Happy Holidays. Here's to you!

Horribly Beautiful Yet Again, Part 3

2007-11-05T14:42:00.000-05:00

So, the doctor comes in. He tells us basically everything that we know up to this point. This time, however, he uses the word coma. However, they have done tests and he has lost even more brain function.

He asks us again what we would like to do. My mom said "No heroics, peacefull passing." The doctor calls up the order to have everything removed. This is it. This is his last chance.

Then a Chaplin is called in. And, she sits with us while we wait. She's pretty cool - not too preachy - just wants to know where we are. She has a braid like me - same side and everything. Up to this point, I had been doing pretty well on the crying side and just having the minor tears. Then the chaplin asked when the last time I saw my father was. Niagra Falls. I just hunched down over him and begin to sob. It was December. And, of course, this was also the time that I was waiting to see my husband - him getting off tour, and at this point, hoping that we could re-start our life again together. So, even though I saw my dad, I really didn't see him. Regret. Regret fills me. Anger. Anger at my now ex-husband. The last time I saw my dad - I was barely there. Which means, flash back to the last time - was that the Christmas before? Was that the year that they came down in the summer? I couldn't remember.

The chaplin, then realizes, she probably asked the wrong - or right - question. I had muttered out December before the flood happened. She tells me not to regret that I had not seen them in a long while. That she was the same with her mother. That life is continuing to get in the way. My mom begins to chime in at this point. "Oh no, Stephie, it's not your fault. You were starting your new job and we had all those trips and Dad didn't want you to come down here. He didn't want you to see him when he wasn't feeling like himself."

Amazingly, this didn't really help. And, this is one portion of the mourning process I have been having the hardest time with. I know I shouldn't regret and be thankful for all the times I did get to see him - see him in good health, etc. But, that damn regret. Just keeps coming back.

Well, I am able, at this point to tell my brain that I can't regret and I stop crying. Of course I have to go blown my nose and wash my hands - again. I find this a little funny. For a man who is about to die, we sure are worried about germs.

Then, the men come to remove the machines. We went outside. The chaplin waits with us. Then we are allowed back in. All the tubes are gone. He is just laying there. His heart is still beating. His diaphram is desperately trying to move on it's own. He's got a quivering belly. We all stand around him (Mom, the nurse, the chaplin and me) and she says a pray. I don't even remember what she said, but I remember it being nice.

Then the nurse left. Then the chaplin had to leave and it was just me and my mom on either side of my dad. I was holding his hand. We were just watching him. I just kept praying, thinking, wishing. Come on Dad. You're stronger than this. Prove everyone wrong. Just wake up. Come on. You can do it. Then I remembered his phrases when coaching me - I would fall down and hurt myslef or I was sick or I ever so often said "I couldn't do it." He would tell me to "walk it off" or "you're not that sick, let's get you moving around" or "can't couldn't ever do anything." My father's phrases to me, now running through my head to him.

His belly's quivering was slowing down. There were now, what looked like, small gasps. I looked down at the hand I was holding. His fingernails began to turn purple. It's happening. He's going.

Then, his hand gripped mine and his head started to move. What?!?!? What was going on? And then, his head moved to the side and his eyes began to open. My mom and I jumped up. Me saying "Daddy" and she saying "Ron we're here." Then, I realized, this wasn't him waking up. This was his leaving. So, I said - "It's OK Dad, relax, let go, I'll take care of mom, just let go. We love you. Goodbye Dad, goodbye." Then his mouth made a movement as if to say something and that was it.

Then, came the not so pleasant part - well, as if this had been pleasant at all. He started to slightly convulse. Then stopped moving. His heart, still beating. One eye slightly open. My mom and I sat back down. His skin began to change to a yellowish color. But, his heart just kept on pumping.

Then, the heart began to slow down. The only thing I could think of was - well, at least they fixed his heart - it stayed beating and going the longest. Then, the other nurse came in and said, "I am sorry for your loss." I said thank you and began to stand up. This of course confused my mother and said, oh thank you and then just sat there and then she looked at me to the nurse and said - oh, is it over? The nurse said yes. My mother said alright and walked out of the room.

I let go of my dad's hand, but then realized that he was still holding mine. I undid his grip and flatten his hand out on the bed. Then I went up to his head, closed his mouth and the one eye that was still opened. Then kissed my hand and put it to his forehead and said my final goodbye.

My mom then went back in after me to say her final goodbye.

Then, we came out and began the discussion that would continue the rest of the week. What next.

And, I realized that I had experienced, to this date, one of the most beautiful momments of my life. However hard. I was with my dad when he left this world.

Horribly Beautiful Yet Again, Part 2

2007-10-31T11:52:00.002-04:00

So, at about 4:30, I was getting on the train to head up to pick up laundry and do a show, I got THE call. My mom hands the phone to the nurse. This is what she said:

"Stephanie, your father has had a massive brain hemorrhage, the neurologists can not operate, and they have determined that he is brain dead. He is on life support. Now, your mother has requested that we turn off the machines and let your father have a peaceful passing. But, it is your decision if you would like to turn them off now or wait until you get here."

I answer: "I'd like you to wait until I get there." I say this stepping onto the Q train. WTF was I thinking getting on a Subway? I would loose the nurse and could only hope to God that she heard me. I almost got off the train - realizing my folly - when the doors shut.

Believe it or not, I got really good service in the tunnel - never has this happened. She answered: "Well, we can't promise that he will be alive when you get here. Just so you know that. Let me put you back on with your mom. I am so sorry about this."

I only got to talk to my mom for seconds after the train went underground. I tried her again while I was on the bridge and then hopped off at 42nd St., got above ground and called.

Everything was a whirl wind from there on out. Do I try to fly out now - screw the show and go see my dad, who by all counts, is brain dead and not even there? Medically he is already dead, but what about spiritually? Did I make the right decision by keeping him on life support to see him this one last time? Even though I knew that went against his wishes. Then again, was this his life anymore?

My mom and I decided that it would be best for me to keep my flight for the next day and for her to get out of the hospital that she had been at for almost 24 hours. For the most part, the answer had been given, the waiting was over. As the old phrase goes, all that's left is the crying.

That night I gave my performance for my dad. Who would have loved the show - he took me to see Pet Cemetery and being that he was a biologist, thought the movie was hysterical. He found most horror movies - at least the slasher ones - very silly. My dad had a very dry sense of humor and sometimes a dark one at that.

I heard I gave the best performance ever. That I knocked it out of the ball park. That I rocked the casaba. Kicked ass. Near the end of "Dead Things..", I finally got the squib to hit the circ saw and as I raised it over head, it was dripping blood. There were yells and claps. And, as actors sometimes feel, that rush up your spine, that elation, the feeling of...I'm a rock star. From now on out, I think every performance is going to be for my dad.

After the show, I told the cast I would be leaving to be with my dad as he passed away. My mom told me to go out and have fun and I did. Finally ate a little something and had a few beers. It was really nice. And, the support I had from the cast was overwhelming. And, Brian Silliman gave me the best toast ever. Through all that was painful - there were some of the most beautiful moments of my life. Thanks to my friends and family. And, I will never forget this.

One note - about 3am my phone rang with a new voicemail. I called. It was my dad. It was the message he left when he was first out of the hospital, almost 3 weeks ago. He said he was out and eating a sandwich. I almost dropped the phone in disbelief. Christopher was there and he asked what was wrong. I told him about the message. I knew my dad was not out of the hospital. I knew this was an old message. I also knew that I had deleted it. And, that it was past the time period to have the phone even keep it. Christopher hugged me and said, there must be good sandwiches in heaven.

Next morning, I got up late - figures, but got to the airport on time, got my flight and was in Houston, TX and finished the calls to all my friends to let them know what was going on. Met my mom and her friends, Patsy and David Barnett, who had been with her since Friday night, at the hotel. The Barnett's took my luggage and stuff and my mom shuffled me over to my dad's room.

She chattered - like she does, especially when she is nervous. About what was going on with dad, her night with the Barnett family, all the things leading up to this moment. I had a hard time concentrating. All I could think about was my dad. And, if there was a chance in heaven or hell that he would just wake up. I mean, come on, I've heard of the miracle stories. Brain tumors disappearing, people waking up from comas, etc. Why not my dad? Why not now? I had been having a really shitty year - wouldn't this be the best thing that could happen? Something that would wake me up to the fact that there is a God? Or that at least someone was out there listening and answering my prayers?

My mom tells me that he looks like himself and that he doesn't look that bad. This reminds me of my dad, who prepped me to see my mom for the first time after her Breast Cancer surgery. My dad said, "Now Stephanie, she has a lot of tubes coming out of her and she may look a little scary, but she is OK and all those tubes are helping her get better." I remember walking in and yes, there were the tubes and actually they weren't that scary. And, to be honest, weren't that many. Dad didn't realize that I had already starting watching horror movies - this was nothing. And, mom was awake, a little weak, but awake.

First off, it is freezing in the ICU section of the hospital. I know it is to keep disease and such out. All I can think is that they are keeping the bodies fresh. Sorry, I have a very sick sense of humor sometimes, and yes, this is what got me through this past week. Also, I am in short sleeves cause it is 85 degrees outside. Like 55 in the ICU unit.

I walk in his room. My heart drops to my stomach. And, it feel like someone is pulling my stomach out of lower back. My eyes well up with tears. All I can croak out is "Dad". He has tubes coming out of his nose, legs, mouth. There is the air pump down his mouth. There are wires all over him. His chest is moving up and down unnaturally, like some cheap body cavity in a bad B movie. His mouth looks like it has been stretched out - his lips are enlarged. All I can think is that this is not my father. How the hell can it be? He was a runner, he was healthy, he was not a smoker, all the doctors have always said that he was in such good shape for his age. This doesn't look like him. I can tell he has lost a lot of weight. He looks so frail. This is not my father.

My mom leaves for a moment to go to the bathroom, go talk to the Barnett's and give me some time alone with him.

I go from sadness, to anger, to remorse. "Why didn't you tell me dad? Why didn't you tell me what was really going on? Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? This is not fair. You weren't suppose to go first. I was ready for mom to go first. Hell, I was ready for grandma (who has Alzheimer's and rapidly decreasing in health) to go first. That was suppose to be the next funeral. You can't go. I don't know how I can do this without you. How is mom going to do this without you? We are not prepared. And I am mad as hell at you for that. All those times you asked me to take you out in the woods when you got sick, when you knew you were going to die, to be alone and die peacefully with no fuss. Well, look at you. I can't do that now. You're on the 6th floor. How the hell am I going to get you out of here? Unfortunately, you're at a good enough facility. They actually care when their patients go missing. Look at you. On life support. The last thing you wanted. If you would have been more honest about things, this wouldn't have happened, now would it? This is what you get.....I am so sorry dad, I am so sorry. I am such an asshole. I should have just known. I should have been here. I should have been able to see your eyes one last time. Been able to shoot the shit about anything. I should have been here. You should not be like this. You deserve better than this. I am so sorry dad. I love you. Wake up. Just wake up. Prove everyone wrong dad. Wake up, wake up, wake up."

Or something like that.

Then, my mom came back. The nurse came in. We talked about my dad's condition and that the doctor would come in to explain more. Everyone was so sorry for what had happened. I sat there stroking my dad's hand, wondering if he had heard me or even knew I was there.

Horriblly Beautiful Yet Again, Part 1

2007-10-29T14:24:00.000-04:00

As I said in my last post, I am not much of a blogger. This could be due to many different reasons. Don't feel my strong point is writing, time, topics. Regardless, I have a blog. And since then I have put some special topics up and some things that were silly. And, some that were just plain self-promotion.

I am not really sure what is Blog-appropriate and what isn't. I mean, I have an idea. I don't know if what I am about to write would be considered appropriate for the blogsphere. But, here goes.

I am hoping to write at least a 4 part series on this. My thoughts, my experiences and events of this past week. Warning up front - some of this is going to be pretty graphic. So, there you go.

But, for the most part, I want to write about my dad. Who he was, who he was for me and what he meant to a great deal of people. I also want to write about losing a parent. There are grief books and there are stories that deal with this all the time, I know. But, here is my story and a portion of my dad's. I want to get this all down while it is still fresh. I'm going to start at the end and work my way back.

Scott and I used to always have a phrase we would say when talking about our parents - mostly our dads - "My dad is never going to die. Do you hear me God." This was always done in jest and for amusement. Friday, Oct. 19, 2007, I screamed that at the heavens. Unfortunately, it didn't take.

My dad was probably one of the most healthiest humans I knew. Never smoked, ran almost every day, or when he couldn't he walked for miles. Seldom drank except socially or that one glass of wine before dinner. Almost never sick. Never had an operation. He was in top physical shape. The last time he went to the dentist, the dentist said that his teeth were in the condition of a 30 year old or so. He was 65.

This past June he had to get off a plane that was going to Europe because he did not feel well. Not like my dad at all. His blood pressure was something like 210 over 80. Numbers, that for the most part would kill. But, not my dad. He was a tough ole bird. He got through that only to be faced with another challenge.

He found out that he had prostate cancer. There were a lot of different tests and many different opinions, second and third opinions. All pointed in the direction of removing the prostate. Once that was determined, I got the call from my mom.

He went to Houston, TX and on October 5, went into surgery. They (my mom and dad) both assured me that everything was very routine. They were in the best place in the world for this (and they were). Everything went as planned. He only had one minor complication, but the surgery was a success. The cancer was huge, and I was told VERY huge. But, it was fully removed.

We talked on the phone. I kept asking if I needed to come down. They kept saying no. And, things were looking good. He got that catheter out early. They were just staying at the hospital hotel until all looked good.

Then, Friday, October 19, after the show, we were doing photos and I had just dropped off the laundry, I got the call from my mom. Emergency, I may need to fly out to Houston that night. Dad had an attack.

Everything from then on was a back and forth of what was going on. Dad had a heart attack and the left descending ventricle was 90% blocked. They had operated, they had put a balloon and stints into his heart to get it back up to speed. And, everything looked really good. He was going from critical to stable condition. I booked my flight for Sunday morning.

Around 3pm, NY time, my mom calls again. I will find out later that my dad's blood pressure dropped down to 50/40 or something like that. They put him on medication to get his blood pressure back up, but something was very wrong. They found out that he had had a massive brain hemorrhage. They talked to 2 different neurologists and there was no way they could operate. The blood thinner that was keeping his heart going was the reason for the blood hemorrhage (that and a possible aneurysm/blood clot) and if they took him off the blood thinner, his heart would stop. Probably the biggest Catch 22 one could have.

He was unresponsive. He was not waking up. It would take a miracle - I mean an honest to God old testament miracle for him to wake. And, that was what we were all praying for.

Been Away For A Bit

2007-10-15T14:09:00.001-04:00

I never thought I would be much of a blogger. A lot of my thoughts and such aren't really appropriate for public consumption. Hence, why my blog has a few postings here and there. And, originally, I started it for a completely different purpose. And, well, for the four or five people that read this, you know that purpose is now moot.

But, I hope to be back with musings about the world or about theatre or music or something in the near future. At least by 2008, eh.

In the meantime - check out the show I am in, directed a piece and helped with general production silliness. It is a scream. The Blood Brother's Present.. Pulp. The info is in the right hand corner.

What Tarot Card Are You?

2007-08-09T09:58:00.000-04:00

Saw this on Scott's blog. Couldn't resist. :)

You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.
You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.
You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.
Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.

Your fortune:

Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.
You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.
And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.
You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

So, my blog has turned into a publicity site, but

2007-08-09T09:44:00.001-04:00

hey, I got stuff going on. What do you want from me?

Friday, August 10th at 7pm Nosedive will be having a benefit to raise money for our upcoming season. This is only part of our HUGE fundraising campaign. Not only for the upcoming season, but hoping to sock some money away so we can get to Edinburgh next year. Help a Monkey out, folks. And, we hope to bring you fun and frivolity in the process.

This party will be featuring the band Aldenbarton, all your favorite Nosedive monkeys, a few never before seen video sketches, and everyone's favorite –CHEAP BOOZE!!

Vampire Cowboys Battle Ranch
111 Conselyea Street, No. 2L
Brooklyn, NY
Take the L or G trains to Lorimer/Metropolitan
Exit near intersection of Lorimer St and Metropolitan Ave. Start out going north on Lorimer St towards Conselyea St. Turn right onto Conselyea St

From 7-12am
Friday, August 10th
$7 at the door, $2 Beers, $1 Jell-O Shots.

Just to Re-Iterate....

2007-07-27T11:05:00.001-04:00

I really hope you can come out and see this. And, to those who have, I hope you have enjoyed it and THANKS! Re-Iterate....

http://www.mrscrowling.com/

HORSE TRADE PRESENTS A ROYAL CIRCUS PRODUCTION OF
THE MAGIC OF MRS. CROWLING

BY BRIAN SILLIMAN
DIRECTED BY ABE GOLDFARB

The Kraine Theater (85 E. 4 th Street)
previews July 10 & 17 at 8pm
Runs July 24-29 & July 31-August 5
Tue-Sat at 8pm. Sundays at 2pm

Twelve-year-old Kicken Petchio (Paul Wyatt* ) is not long for this world. Dying of "undisclosed cancer", his only escape is into the wizardly world of his favorite books: the Henry Shield adventures, written by A.R. Crowling ( Shelly Smith). When his father ( Brian Silliman ) arranges for Kicken to meet his favorite author through Last Ditch Wish, Kicken gets more than he bargained for. As characters from the book come to life and Kicken crosses the threshold between reality and fantasy, he learns that nothing is ever what it seems. Taking its cue from the beloved Harry Potter books, The Magic of Mrs. Crowling is for lovers (and haters) of fantasy everywhere.

CAST:
Dennis Hurley* as Valiaare
Ronica V. Reddick* as Charcane
Brian Silliman as Ramsey
Shelly Smith as Mrs. Crowling
Patrick Shearer as Dazzelin
Paul Wyatt* as Kicken

*Actors appear courtesy of Actors Equity Association. The Magic of Mrs. Crowling is an Equity Approved Showcase.

CREATIVE TEAM:
Lighting: Sabrina Braswell
Fights Designed by: Chris Doering
Original Score: Larry Lees
Designer: Robin Mates
Poster Art: Afua Richardson
Stage Manager: Stephanie Williams
Publicity: Emily Owens PR

Tickets are $18, $12 for students and seniors
SmartTix 212-868-4444
www.smarttix.com

http://www.mrscrowling.com/

And, This One is Just Promotional

2007-07-20T16:45:00.000-04:00

Nosedive Productions is having a fundraising event to raise money for our fall season and to take Nervous-Boy to the Edinburgh Fringe next summer.

This Saturday we'll be having an event at Nice Guy Eddie's. It's a $20 cover for an open bar (beer/well drinks) from 9 p.m. to midnight.

What: Open Bar with the Sick Little Monkeys
Where: Nice Guy Eddie's, 5 Avenue A (and the corner of East Houston Street)
When: Saturday, July 21, 2007 at 9:00pm to Midnight
Who: You, Me... All of Us!

AND

http://www.mrscrowling.com/

HORSE TRADE PRESENTS A ROYAL CIRCUS PRODUCTION OF
THE MAGIC OF MRS. CROWLING

BY BRIAN SILLIMAN
DIRECTED BY ABE GOLDFARB

The Kraine Theater (85 E. 4 th Street)
previews July 10 & 17 at 8pm
Runs July 24-29 & July 31-August 5
Tue-Sat at 8pm. Sundays at 2pm

Twelve-year-old Kicken Petchio (Paul Wyatt* ) is not long for this world. Dying of "undisclosed cancer", his only escape is into the wizardly world of his favorite books: the Henry Shield adventures, written by A.R. Crowling ( Shelly Smith). When his father ( Brian Silliman ) arranges for Kicken to meet his favorite author through Last Ditch Wish, Kicken gets more than he bargained for. As characters from the book come to life and Kicken crosses the threshold between reality and fantasy, he learns that nothing is ever what it seems. Taking its cue from the beloved Harry Potter books, The Magic of Mrs. Crowling is for lovers (and haters) of fantasy everywhere.

CAST:
Dennis Hurley* as Valiaare
Ronica V. Reddick* as Charcane
Brian Silliman as Ramsey
Shelly Smith as Mrs. Crowling
Patrick Shearer as Dazzelin
Paul Wyatt* as Kicken

*Actors appear courtesy of Actors Equity Association. The Magic of Mrs. Crowling is an Equity Approved Showcase.

CREATIVE TEAM:
Lighting: Sabrina Braswell
Fights Designed by: Chris Doering
Original Score: Larry Lees
Designer: Robin Mates
Poster Art: Afua Richardson
Stage Manager: Stephanie Williams
Publicity: Emily Owens PR

Tickets are $18, $12 for students and seniors
SmartTix 212-868-4444
www.smarttix.com

http://www.mrscrowling.com/

What Book are You?

2007-07-19T12:46:00.000-04:00

Yes, I haven't blogged in ages.

No, I have not done all the memes I have been tagged with.

Yes, I have about 3 posts in Edit that I have not finished.

And, I am hitting you with this.

I am not lame, just really busy. And, apparently, a really bad blogger. (I just got internet access at home people - what do you want?!?!)

OK - here you go! Enjoy my silliness! And, you can enjoy as well.

You're The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!

by C.S. Lewis

You were just looking for some decent clothes when everything changed
quite dramatically. For the better or for the worse, it is still hard to tell. Now it
seems like winter will never end and you feel cursed. Soon there will be an epic
struggle between two forces in your life and you are very concerned about a betrayal
that could turn the balance. If this makes it sound like you're re-enacting Christian
theological events, that may or may not be coincidence. When in doubt, put your trust
in zoo animals.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

And, I am hoping to post some pics of me from a Hair Show I did. Spooky, spooky.

I'm Angry....

2007-06-13T14:50:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to blog for a second about a friend of mine http://virtualcatn1p.blogspot.com/ who, on her blog, got attacked by a posting nut.

Now, some of her other friends have chimed in (including myself) and this retarded little dwarf had the audacity to then personally attack the people who were telling him to knock it off. Some things were little jabs, some were down right personal and mean. I don't believe he even knows who he is talking to. Very dangerous.

I believe I know who this is. Not someone who is a close friend or even a friend by any stretch of the imagination, but an acquaintance of Virtual Catnip.

I believe we all have a right to an opinion and should express them. But, personal attacks on people, on their blog that having nothing to do with the posting, is down right cowardly.

I would like this said person to come up to my face and say what he said. Please. I beg you.

I should be blogging about something else....

2007-05-18T14:15:00.000-04:00

But, the photo below just made me laugh. A friend of mine at work directed me to the site: http://girl-wonder.org. This is taken directly from their site:

"Girl-Wonder.org is a collection of sites dedicated to females in mainstream comics. Our goals are to foster an attentive, empowered audience community and to encourage respect and high-quality character depiction within the industry."

Which I think is a great idea. Having not read comics obsessively for 15 years or so now, I don't really know what that world is like. I had hoped better. And, in some instances, it is. There are more female super heroes. But, after a brief history lesson, I was told that things are pretty much the same in that vein.

I am not going to get into my views here. I actually should do some more work and actually catch up on some of my friends' blogs as well. I will say, that yes, misogynistic work in comics is still mainstream. Does it bother me, a lot. No, not really. But, I can see when you are a huge fan and female and it gets shoved down your throat on a daily basis, how it could become enraging.

So, anyway, I decided to click on an article about the new statuette from Marvel depicting Mary Jane doing her husband, Spiderman's, laundry. Of course, his super suit. Just take a look at this:

Uh, wow.

1st off, you would never lean over like that to put laundry in a basket. I don't care how sexy you are. Come on people!
2nd, doesn't the way they have shaped her stomach and her pink thong (I had to read the article to figure that it was indeed a thong) make it look like there is something wrong with her hips and torso?
3rd, that is just not Mary Jane.

After reading the article, I was glad to see that other people were also not just upset (of course), but also did not think this was an adequate representation of the character.

However, the piece has sold out.

And, in closing comments - when I did go to the article, the advertisement to the right, was for Breast Cancer Awareness. Do with that what you will.

Hopefully more interesting stuff soon - although, this at least got a laugh for me.

More Music Please

2007-05-04T10:11:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't had any original posts in the past few. This of course is not really original, but trying to get into the habit of blogging more - for the 3 or so people that read this. Hopefully making your work days more interesting - or at least - a good time waster.

MUSIC!
I have been making lists of songs that have stuck out over the past few. I stopped a couple of weeks ago because I knew I would not get to blog for awhile. The show, the work and the general exhaustion has left me a little brain dead.

And, speaking of shows - to those who were involved or those of you that came out to see the Suburban Peepshow - Thank You! Thank you for everything! The show went very well and admist the craziness, I really had an awesome time. More news and updates on what is coming up from Nosedive Central soon.

And, I still have a posting I want to do about Trailers - the art and draw of them. And, how much I am noticing the theme running around in other forms (the fake trailers for Grindhouse and recently Doonesberry is running a Trailer for upcoming strips).

But, on with music (unfortunately, didn't get to research a lot of the newer bands here - sorry - hope you can try and listen to some - some you have definitely already heard):
New Order - "Blue Monday" (and of course, it was on a monday. upbeat, fun, song, brings back memories of an awesome church trip I took to Missouri where someone actually gave me their new order tape.)
Cold Play - "Shiver" (i have liked cold play's songs, but haven't loved them. kind of sad bastard music. but, this one was really well produced and musically beautiful. it is from an older album i believe.)
Tear for Fears - "Seeds of Love" (wow! the production on this is amazing. so many layers. i forgot how good this song was. of course, not that this is from that album, but anything from the big chair is awesome and amazing. makes me wanna go back and listen to the other album - yes, i am forgetting the title. :P)
The Feeling - "Never Be Lonely" (bitter sweet song about couples and the ins and outs, but at least they will never be lonely. i like it cause he says "they can bloody well try it". i like me some english folks.)

That's it for now, I had A LOT more songs written down, but can't remember why I really liked them. But, I had been writing them down for a couple of weeks now. And, we just closed a show. And, I was brain dead. But, I'm back folks!

My Dæmon Achaean

2007-04-26T14:59:00.000-04:00

So, from Philucifer, through Cat I went to the Golden Compass website and took the test. I know, there are probably 100 more things I could blog about, but this is pretty darn cool.

And, the most interesting thing - when seeing or choosing a power animal - it has almost always been the wolf.

Although, since I am letting you guys do some choosing here - it just may change.

Enjoy!

Kurt Vonnegut dies

2007-04-12T08:53:00.000-04:00

After sustaining a head injury from a fall, Kurt Vonnegut dies at 84.

When I was in 8th grade, I had a choice of books to read for a book report. I remember seeing the name, Slaughterhouse Five and pushing past people to sign up for it. I was a horror buff even back then and it sounded like a fun book to read. Well, wasn't the type of horror I was thinking, but introduced me to a new type of horror. And, to an incredible author, who a few years ago, I was blessed to meet.

We are losing some great and influential writers this year. I look forward to who will be there to take the torch.

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt." "So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

UK Virgin Radio Rocks!

2007-03-29T10:19:00.000-04:00

So, one day at work, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I tried massive amounts of coffee and getting up and walking around every few minutes. Didn't work.

Now, I like my job. Yes, a lot of the tasks are mundane and mind-numbing. Very repetitive. Probably why I couldn't keep awake that day. (Very interesting side-note: doing crafts, creating, there are some mundane things when doing that, but yet I never get bored or sleepy - it becomes meditative. Guess it is true - doesn't matter how mundane, if you are creating, it keeps you awake. But, pushing paper and electrons, just doesn't cut it.)

So, I tried to figure out a way to keep awake - MUSIC. Of course. Now, I have an Ipod, but I ever so often get sick of the songs it picks, so I wanted something more random. So, I updated my RealPlayer and went to the radio section.

I used to listen to Virgin when I got sick of my CD's at work back in the day. But, I forgot how much I loved it. Not only do they play popular music, but some older music, and some of the cool alternative bands that we all used to listen too and think we were the "cool" ones. Also, it is just interesting to hear news from there, and the fact that I get the Friday night party hits at 4pm.

So, where I am going with this, I am hoping to shed some light into the music I am listening to. And, for all you music buffs, you may want to check some of these guys out or maybe even download a couple, in your own fashion.

Here are the first eight that caught my ear:
1. Paolo Nutini – "New Shoes" (definitely a song about not having anything, life is not going well and getting a pair of new shoes to take away the blues. sung by a man? weird. makes me want to go shopping! i did check out the rest of his album - not as good as this song. he is very bluesy, but really white man blues. good chill out music.)
2. Talking Heads - "On a Road To Nowhere" (the beginning of this song is great! harmonies, no instruments, then it just opens up. it was a nice surprise. totally forgot about this one. good traveling song. i mean, isn't not knowing where you are going 1/2 the fun? sort of?)
3. Scissor Sisters - "Take Your Mama Out" (i have loved this song since the first time i heard it - which i think was on virgin radio. ever so often they play it, mostly on the drive home-which again, is at like 11am or so. god, it is great! brings a smile and a little jump in my step. and, you will want to sing it all day. to the annoyance of all of your friends.)
4. The Fratelli's - "Chelsea Dagger" (just a really up song. makes you wanna dance. go ahead, you know you want to. they have another song which is very different. has a country swing beat. and, they are already on wikipedia. but then again, who isn't?)
5. The Fray - "How to Save a Life" (still a favorite, but it is starting to wear on my nerves at little. overplayed - gotta hate that. but, i think it will be a song that 5 years down the road, it will come on and a warm sad feeling will come over me.)
6. Mika - "Grace Kelly" (this song has also hit the states. which was weird to hear on a u.s. radio station. he talks about wanting to be like Grace Kelly and then says he tries a little Freddie, but this song is definitely all about Queen. such a queen sound, that I think, somebody is going to sue someone. ;) )
7. My Chemical Romance - "I Don't Love You" (they are definitely one of my little guilty pleasures. upon another listening, it actually is a good song and has a disturbing abuse second chorus. good job guys.)
8. John Spencer Group - "Keep On Running" (why didn't they play this at some point in Studio 60? for jordan and Danny. it would have been perfect. even as a cute parody. or he could have been serenading her with it. it might have been a little creepy stalker, but weren't they already going into that territory?)

Hope you get a chance to listen or have heard some of the above. More next week!

It's My Birthday!!!!

2007-03-16T09:19:00.000-04:00

It doesn't matter what is going on in my life - I am always excited about my birthday. Not sure why. I know a lot of people, when bad things are going on in their lives, their birthdays come around and they crawl into their shells. And, as we good friends should do, pull them out, kicking and screaming to say, "Come On - It's Your Birthday - Let's Party!" Then again, it could be the inner alcoholic who is just needing a reason to go out for a drink. I hope it is the first one.

I usually am counting down my birthday for days, sometimes weeks. This year however, I only counted down the last few hours. This is actually going to be a hard birthday for me. I hope to be able to write about what all that entails soon, but not quite yet.

But, back to my birthday. So, today, I am concentrating on the excitement of my birthday and being born (I mean, come one, think about it. Being in a warm safe place for 9 months, then all of the sudden being jettisoned in the dark down a long tube and squeezed out. For a horror movie buff and roller coaster junkie - that sounds pretty darn exciting). And, at 4:25pm today, EST (I had to do a lot of math, b/c I was born in NM and it was not day light savings time) I will be letting out a large squeal in celebration of the time my little head came out and screamed at the world.

And, just for jollies here is my horoscope for today. May all of you have a wonderful day and you should b/c - IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!

(Brought to you by Tarot.com)
Today's Outlook for Friday March 16, 2007
The intelligent Aquarius Moon joins dreamy Neptune while highlighting an exact trine between expansive Jupiter and constrictive Saturn, a great time to set realistic goals. Today's second configuration involves Mercury supporting a passionate Venus-Pluto trine, giving us the ability to talk about our deepest desires. Together, these two separate powerful planetary pictures indicate an important day, but it's up to us to turn it into something special.

Today for Pisces:
Your intuition can get you out of a difficult place today, for you will simply know what to do as long as you don't try to figure out the source of your knowledge. This is not about book learning, nor is it about facts. Somehow you are receiving vital information directly off the airwaves, as if you were a radio tuned to a station that's broadcasting the answers. Listen carefully and act without questioning.

I Wish I Could See What I Look Like When I Talk…

2007-03-11T22:05:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to see myself lately. I think the next step in my life, to really find myself, is to look outside of my life and really take a look at me. From the way I act and reactions to what the hell I physically look like when I am explaining something or laughing or talking about something I am passionate about.

I have caught glimpses of myself in the reflections of windows or other mirrored objects when talking to people. Only recently, I have really started looking at them and not trying to change what I look like. You know, you see yourself, your real self in the reflection, and you change the look on your face to look more natural or attractive or just adjust your hair.

I did this with a recent conversation then went back later and remembered what I looked like when I was talking to this person. We were having a serious conversation, then there was a funny moment and there was a moment of wow, do I really look like that. It wasn’t bad, but a real seeing of myself. It was a good reflective moment. Later, this lead me to thinking about acting and an experience I had when I was in the conservatory.

I do not have one specific method or practice of acting that I follow. I have a lot of different texts on acting and have worked with people who follow a different method. I like having a hodge podge of experience and different methods I can draw from.

So, when I was back in AMDA, (prior to this I had a BA in Theatre and Music and was on my way to a BFA in Musical theatre before I graduated) funny enough, I had never really dissected a musical theatre piece (song) to perform. All the time I was directed, it was a generalized notes given from the director. And, some directors were more worried about the movement than the actual emotional interpretation.

I wasn’t a huge musical theatre junkie and one of the reasons was the show would stop, the person would sing and then we would go back into the piece. I didn’t see a lot of performers make the connection from the story to song. And, in some cases, not the performers fault, but the pieces themselves. But, when I did see that rare moment of connection, with the story to song to the emotional elements of the song performed, it was magic.

I had a hard time when I first really began to dissect pieces for the action and emotions for each line. Not with finding the emotion, but with the showing of it. especially with showing sadness. How do you do that, not cry, and stay on key? Then, how do I show longing without looking like I was doing the “floating away” head or the “nothing in that head” puppy dog eyes?

I remember this one girl in my group who was amazing. At the end of it all, she was the top girl in my group, got to do the solo performance in front of the agents and head of the school, etc.

I wanted to know how she did it. Did she just have some amazing life experience to draw from? Did she just have an amazing imagination? What? How did she bring across these feelings in her songs and make it look so effortless? She didn’t do a lot of hand gestures or over choreograph. It was all natural movement. She was very subtle and she was really connected to the piece.

I asked her one night when we were hanging out – what was her method to practice/act a song. I remember her looking at me sideways – like the answer was just so obvious and then she told me what she did. “I practice every song in the mirror. While I am learning the music, I practice in front of the mirror and perfect my facial and body movement. I know what sadness looks on my face. I know what anger looks like – how my body is, what muscles tense where. And, just like dance, you want to get it into muscle memory. I do it all at once so that I don’t get stuck feeling a note with a certain look on my face or my body in a certain position.”

Honestly, I was a little heartbroken at the time. I thought she drew from her experience and just felt these pieces from somewhere in the depth of her soul. But, in looking back, it makes a lot of sense. I knew then why I had such a problem with musical theatre and with my own musical theatre performances.

And, it does make a lot of sense. When I get angry, what muscles tighten up? When I cry, what does my mouth do? When I am happy, how do I stand? If you do these physical sides, the brain will associate that physical characteristic with the emotion.

I ended up using some of this method when I was in a musical a few years ago. I ended up feeling very connected with each piece of music. I believe I made the transition from speaking to song fluid. And, from what my audience and fellow cast members said, I did an amazing job.

There, hopefully I have put a feather in your cap and gave you something to think about – all you musical theatre actors out there. Of course, this has been stated in some way in acting books, so not really saying anything completely new here. Or, you think I am absolutely wrong – in which I look forward to your comments.

Peter O'Toole: Pure Genius - Or Is It Just Those Blue Eyes?

2007-02-14T09:19:00.000-05:00

I actually have a couple of other blog entries in the hopper, but read this article with Peter O'Toole on Backstage and just couldn't resist. Please, if you have the time, take a gander - Sharpest O'Toole. The title is a little hokie, but the article is great.

The man is pure genius. I don't think there is a single movie he has been in that I haven't liked. Even the one with Steve Guttenberg and Daryl Hannah and the haunted castle - High Spirits - I had to look that up on imdb. Anyway - Peter O'Toole was brilliant. And, on that note - here is a quote from the article about taking work as an actor:

Back Stage: I recently read an interview in which you referred to your 1991 comedy King Ralph as "bottomless stupidity." Do you always go into a film with the same amount of commitment and dedication, regardless of the project?

O'Toole: Oh, yeah. Whether theatre or cinema, acting is what I do for a living. It's how I put steam on the table. I have to earn my living. And the longer I go on living, the more expensive it becomes. I'm not going to get a Venus or a My Favorite Year or a Becket or any of those through the post every month. Maybe every 10 years I might get one. I can't always be the supreme judge of the material. If it's a good job, I'll do it. It's like asking a musician if he turns up and he's going to play Dvorak and he doesn't like it, will he bugger it about? Not at all. He's going to play it. You go out there and you plow your author. That's an old 18th-century English expression: "Come on, old plowhorse, plow your Shakespeare."

This whole article is just delightful. First there is just hearing the inter workings of a master craftsman. Then, there is the wit of a grumpy old man. Then of course, what he has learned in his years.

So, honestly, not really a blog entry, but a more - go and read this. Seriously folks, I will get a new one out soon - a real one. Promise. :)

5 Things You Don't Know About Me

2007-01-18T16:21:00.000-05:00

Well, the meme lives on and heck - gives me a reason to keep this darn thing updated. So, I was technically memed by Philucifer who basically brought the challenge to the world (or at least the world of his blog readers). But then Virtual Catnip got me by name. SO....

5 things you don't know about me. Some may be new, some are definitely, no duh.

1. I am adopted. My birth parents were 15 and 16 (or 14 and 15)when I was born. I believe I was 25 or 28 days old when my parents came to pick me up, although they knew I was coming since Christmas. Which leads me to..

2. I have a Pooh Bear stuffed animal that is older than me and is probably the only possession that I have had all my life. They gave it to my grandparents as a "she's on her way" message. He has been traveling with me all my life and makes a great pillow on long plane trips.

3. For those that know me - I have a long braid extending from my hair. But, do you know how long I have had it - hmm, hmmm? Well, it is going on 19 years. Yup. That's a long time. And for those of you who are grossed out - I wash it everyday and re-do it about once a month so it's not stinky.

4. I have been a performer/director/writer in some capacity all my life. Whether I was creating a song and dance routine for the Christmas family dinner, writing a play for us street kids to perform, directing said street play, dance recitals, piano recitals, band concerts, choir concerts, theatre, rock bands, acting up and acting out. Probably why I don't have a huge vocabulary or knowledge in one realm of the arts. I have jumped around so much that I know all the bits and pieces and no real huge chunks - but I am trying.

5. I have only broken one bone in my whole entire life. My collar bone. I was playing hide and go seek in and on a camper van and fell off of the roof and then a week later was roller skating and landed on the arm of the side I fell on. The kids who were hanging out with me said my elbow went all the way up to my ear. I was in the weirdest sling for 6 weeks - it was like shoulder pads that went all the way around both shoulders and arms and attached in the back.

That's about it. I was trying to think of more interesting things, but I think I will keep those to myself. :)

As much as I would like to tag someone else, I am letting the buck stop here, since the whole world was tagged - see above - everyone else would just be a double dip.

And, finally - Steph Does the Meme

2007-01-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

Philucifer [aka Charlie Willis], tagged me, Scot and Pete. Sorry guys it has taken me awhile.

So here goes:

1) Find the nearest book
2) Open to page 123
3) Type lines 6-8 of said book
4) Tag three others.

There were two different books closest to me- Prometheus Rising (Robert Anton Wilson) and The Panic Hand (Jonathan Carroll). I felt after the events that took place this week, I should use the Prometheus phrases, but am a little conflicted, so here are both of them:

Prometheus Rising - "Why, it would be positively indecent not to do it the way Grandfather would...Give us the child until he is five, and he will have him for life."

The Panic Hand - "...dog, on the other the man with the fishing lines. The man with the dog thinks, if the other dog looks up, I will wave at him. There will be luck if he waves back. Somehow that will mean everything."

So, eveyone I know has been tagged with this. But, maybe these 3 would like to give a stab (although, I think only one person out of the three actually reads my blog. :)

Courtney, Jessica and Lauren

2006-12-30T14:49:00.000-05:00

Ian McKellen In Extras

So, since I did want to at some point talk about art and theatre and acting, etc. So, here we go, from the great Sir Ian McKellen. Can you get any better advice? :)

Enjoy!

Holiday Travel

2006-12-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

So, did you travel this holiday? Did you fly? Here is how I will sum up the experience:

First class ran out of food.
economy class began eating each other.
Over the loud speakers:

"Flight Attendants, please begin cross check and prepare for off-loading of half eaten corpses from the main body cabin."

Hope everyone had a great holiday and safe travels. And, remember, when you are stuck on a plane for hours at a time, you have to make your own fun and your own food.

Horribly Beautiful

2006-12-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

So, here we are - a couple (well less than) weeks away and this tour will be over. This has been a wonderful opportunity for Scot. I am so happy that he has been able to do this.

On the other hand, this has been the hardest five months of my life. I have looked back through my life and everything I thought was hard pales in comparison to this. In a previous post, I wrote about how hard it was. Another thing that came to mind was the fact that you come home to an empty house - yes, we have roommates, but it is not the same. It is the house that you share with someone and that someone is now a ghost. All the pictures, smiling down at you. All the memories. Even the knick-knacks and books he loves speak to you. I have realized that being alone is OK. It is the lack of that person that hurts.

I have been getting texts and talking to my husband about his days and nights on the tour. This pretty much sums it up - get up early (if you are NOT a morning person and can not even think about being alive and coherent at 6:45/7am, most tours will not be for you), get in the van, drive to the space, unload the truck with a. a union crew, b. highschool students (which has been a very good experience at time) or c. unload themselves. Then, it is prepare for the show - wigs, costumes, prosthetics, make-up, etc. Then, by around 10:00/10:30 - on with the show. Show is over around noon or so. Then, load back up the truck, grab some lunch and it is either onto the next destination or back to the hotel, depending on where they are the next day. If they get an afternoon/night off, usually they go to a mall or hang out, do laundry, watch TV, check email, surf the net. At night, movies, other types of entertainment (bowling was one night recently), taking in the locals and the local sites and more than likely drinking. Hey, they are doing a children's show - this would drive anyone to drink. On weekends, more or less of the same. If you have been looking at the other blogs from the people on tour, you will get a more in depth view of it - especially the time off.

My days have been working multiple jobs that have nothing to do with what I want to do with my life - except for my teaching artist job, working on shows at night (up until the end of October). After the show was over, I would spend my nights looking for work, watching TV, going out and seeing friends, going to shows and gearing up for the next production(s) with Nosedive Productions. Also, trying to organize the house - a little, take care of a wonderful cat and do the normal pay bills and adult shit.

So, this has been our lives. Our communication (except for the wonderful days I have seen him recently) has been phone calls during the day, when he has time, goodnight calls every night and text messages.

I am really counting down the days. It is so close. It is almost over. I can't wait to get re-acquainted with my husband and begin to work on our life again. Amen.

A Thankful Thanksgiving

2006-11-28T18:11:00.000-05:00

So, for awhile there, my husband was not sure if the tour was going to Las Vegas, which was over the weekend of our Anniversary. It would have been the first anniversary that we would have been apart from each other (This is our sixth year of marriage). But, wishing and praying, the tour stayed it's course and we were able to meet up. We got to spend time together and got to meet our new niece, Caitlan Rose. We also got to see each other again at his parent's house for Thanksgiving, where he got to stay with me and his family for two nights. Four wonderful nights in total. So, instead of a whole bunch of writing, I thought I would just post some pics of the week.

Anniversary night consisted of going to the top of the Strastosphere then enjoying a show and a night out drinking with Katie and Ashley in the New York, NY Casino. Check out Katie's blog. I am sure she will have pics up of that weekend soon.

Our first time holding the new cuddle of joy.

Yes, everyone is looking at Caitlin.

He now has only four more weeks. And, hopefully, one weekend, he will get to come back to NY to stay for a couple of nights, in his own bed. Aw, bliss.

I Just Needed to Say This

2006-11-09T10:46:00.000-05:00

Things have been going much better with the tour. Their load ins are almost painless, the shows are going so well and everything seems to be going just fine. All of this has recently been happening. Basically, since their stage manager left and they got a replacement.

Being a stage manager - I know, because I am one - is probably the most stressful, thankless job anyone could ever have - well, OK, that is not fair, I am sure there are others, but in the theatre world, this is it. You have to be protector, mother, iron worker and comedian. At least, these are the first few metaphor's that come to my head. You also have to be a negotiator and a mediator. And, most of the time, you will not know if you did a good job or not, until the production is over and someone says - you are the best stage manager ever, you rocked my world, you did an awesome job, etc. OK, I know I said this is a "thankless" job and by the end of the run of a show, when you are just getting the thank you's - you wonder where these people were two weeks ago when you were up to all hours of the night doing God knows what for the show. You try with all your might and muster up "thank you's" for others and "we really appreciate all your hard work" for some more, but yet you just keep going without a hint of thanks. And, I could be wrong on this last note. I could be so in the moment and running around so much, that I never hear it. So, for those of you that are reading this and have continued to thank me through a whole production - I apologize. I was just too involved to know you appreciated me.

OK, so on to my real comment. The one that has been boiling in me for weeks. The fact that I met someone, with all the good qualities of a Stage Manager. The want and care of the whole company. Someone I thought could balance the needs of the production with the needs and safety of the actors. Heck, he is going on a National Tour, he got chosen, he must be something special.

I met him. We discussed Stage Managing and I told him if he ever needed to vent about something, to feel free to contact me. If he needed any help, even though I just met him, I would be there. Well, he never did call and this boy seriously needed some help.

He basically, in a short note, but believe me, I should write a manifesto about this man after what he did to this group, catered to the production office even though it was not in the best interest of the production, crew or cast, let them work on a set that was falling apart and dangerous, let his emotions come out more than you should around a team of actors and tried to divide the cast. He also sold them up the river and let the production company know that they were the worst cast to work with compared to the other casts. AND, told other casts on the other subsequent tours, that they were awful to work with.

Now, not that I was there. But, when a whole host of people comment on this and one happens to be your husband, you begin to wonder. The story was always the same when anyone mentioned him and his doings. I couldn't believe my husband, and these great people, were under the care of this person.

Well, he left the tour. I am not sure if he was asked or if he quit. There is still speculation on that front. They now have a wonderful stage manager and lo and behold, the tour is running much smoother and the performances and load-ins, although not always the smoothiest due to external forces, are better than ever.

Aw, vent over. Now, I can finally get on to writing about something else. And, by the way, there are a lot of other duties of a stage manager - this was just a top o' head vent.

"Breathing Fire" Williams

Harder Than You Think

2006-11-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

One of my ideas with this blog was to give people who were significant others or just the people themselves going out on tour, some information, hopefully helpful about the before during and after. So, here we go.

Having a loved one away on a tour is very hard. You may have a strong relationship, you may think you are 100% prepared for it, but, I believe, it is much harder than you think.

I thought, when my husband and I were talking about his tour and me being away in Ireland 3 weeks prior, that everything would be fine. We would get through it. 4 months is not that long.

We got to see each other twice - after I got back from Ireland - a weekend in Boston. That was 4 weeks without seeing each other, but we had done a month and a 1/2 before when Scot was recording in Tuscon, Az. This was in the infancy of our relationship and everything had gone just fine.

The second time was a total of about 48 hours in NYC. Scot came down from Boston. That was after about a total of 4 more weeks since we last had seen each other in Boston.

Now, it has officially been 2 months since we have seen each other (we of course have been talking on the phone everyday). And, we will be seeing each other in 2 weeks. I am so excited that I believe my head will actually explode, not kidding. I'll try and get video.

There are two pieces of advise I can give people who are staying behind while the other is on tour.
1. Always know that it is going to be much harder than you can ever imagine. Think about how hard it will be and multiply that by a million. Everything goes into a holding pattern. You are neither moving forward or backwards. You are stuck in limbo. You come home to the empty apartment/house with the pictures and the smells of the one you love who is oh, so far away. You want to cuddle up with an old t-shrit of theirs and just stay that way until they come home. You want to try and meet them wherever they are on weekends. The weeks fly at first, then they slow down to almost a complete halt. It is painful.
2. When you do get a chance to see them, as much as you want to, don't talk about business. The bill payments, the apartment problems, the information you need from them so that you can finish up the application for this or that. With email, you can shoot them a quick email and ask for these things. You don't need to do it while you are with them. Use this time to get to know each other again, play, chat, see a movie, etc. Love is first, business will take care of itself.

I can not say that this time apart has not been fruitful - it has. I have learned a lot about myself these past few weeks. One thing I have learned is that I am a much stronger and resourceful person than I thought. I think when someone is so wonderful to you and just wants to make you happy, like my husband does, you grow to depend on that and at times, take it for granted. When the carpet is pulled out from under you, you are thrown into the deep end, the tail has gotten longer and the rocking chairs are getting closer - you find that you have two choices - stay on your ass and pray that it all goes away or get off your ass and do something about it. I am off my ass and running. Hopefully, running the right way.

So, the countdown has begun. The clock ticks ever so slowly.

Missing some Harry Potter

2006-10-31T12:04:00.000-05:00

After seeing the reading of Brian Silliman's new play last night. And, seeing this on a friend's profile on myspace. Well, I just miss me some Harry Potter.

2006-10-30T16:22:00.000-05:00

Keith Olbemann - Habeas Corpus RIP Special Comment

Probably one of the most important pieces of journalism I have seen in a long time.

A Dream Come True

2006-09-29T11:40:00.000-04:00

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile, but life has been getting in the way. First off, I love Shay Gines and Patrick Shearer. If you do not know these people, you should, they are amazing. And, Shay is one of the DOB (directors of the board) for the NY It Awards.

Well, a while back, I got to attend the NY IT Awards. If you have never been to one, I highly recommend it. It is an award show for Off-Off Broadway and is run just like you would imagine a Tony's or Academy Awards show to be run. There is a celebrity host, celebrities come out to announce awards - from the Off-Off Broadway scene to the screen, Award winners are ushered off stage by a lovely man or lady, and there is someone interviewing all the award recipients. Which on that note - Patrick and I got to do some promoting for the newest show - Blood Brother's Present. I am on the web somewhere, got to find that.

Of course, by the time I have been able to write this - our show has come and gone, but let me get to the point.

That night, I got to meet someone, whose plays I have read and wanted to direct for a long time. Landford Wilson.

I got a chance to direct a scene from "Burn This", but I would love an opportunity to do more of his work. His writing is very conversational, there is almost always a nice subplot and is intriguing. I just love his characters or I just love to hate his characters.

Well, he came out to the after party at Phoebe's (a few wonderful memories have already been made there) and went out for a smoke. I had already told everyone how exciting it was to see him. Everyone told me to join him outside. Nervously, I got out there told him how much I enjoyed his work and he put his arm around me and said, come and join us darling. Soon after, Patrick, Qui and Abbey were all outside chatting with Mr. Wilson. It was amazing. He is such a delightful and approachable person. Of course, now, I really can't remember all that was said, but it was just really nice to be in his presence, along with others, just chatting.

In other news, our show - Blood Brother's present Grand Guingol, has been run, done and gone. It was a fast process that involved a lot of ingenuity, falling down and getting back up again and everyone's input to make it work. I believe everyone had a good time and a lot of fun was had. It was a bittersweet moment for me, because on one hand, I had been looking forward to this project for a long time and was really excited to do it.

On the other hand, things have been really hard. I really miss Scot and this project was basically the half way point between the last time I saw him and the next. So, with the last show, I took a big sigh of relief and am ready to see my husband.

3 weeks and 2 weekends folks.

Also, in his news - things have been rocky, but the tour has been persevering. Stage Manager quit (wish I could have stepped in :) ), set has been breaking apart and general life on the road has been sucking. But, they are also past their half-way point. When they are done, they can say they have done their tour of duty and never have to do it again.

Hope to be posting more - sorry for the long lag!

Money makes my brain hurt

2006-09-16T15:24:00.000-04:00

So, while away on a tour, you definitely want to make sure that all your finances are in order. Now, things are a lot easier than they were a few years ago. You can go online, set up direct deposit (very important, if you are on a paying tour - make sure they have direct deposit for your pay checks - or you have a really good friend, significant other who can help get cash into your account), set up bill pay. All these great things.

Before I really get into this - disclaimer - I am not a financial analyst or anything of the sort. I am just a girl going through the motions. Please do not take any of this as the end all way to do this. There, making the lawyers happy.

My husband and I were like two passing ships in the night when it came to our coming and going. I was getting back from a 3 week program in Ireland as he was leaving for the tour. He had been dealing with all the finances up to that point while I was in Grad school (and doing an amazing job - some things getting paid a little late - but this was a HUGE job and he is wonderful for doing it). All of the financial responsibility became my bundle of joy. Ah, bliss.

So, here are the problems we have been having - I hope in some way, this can give any pointers to people who may be going away and don't have someone to take care of things at home - like my man does. :)

First thing - we have some debt (well, some is an understatement, but this is a public document, so I really don't want to get into that here). The first thing, to make our lives easier, was to get all the credit cards on an electronic pay system. Granted, make sure you are having them pay at a time of the month when A.) you have money in your account or if A.) is not achievable, then B.) it is around the time of the month when the payment is due. We (hubby and I) set up a payment with one company - I won't say who - and thought - viola, done. Oh, cont-rair! The day we set it up for was going to be LATE a couple billing cycles during the year (yeah, didn't have any disclaimers like - you may want to set it up 3 days before the due date of your most recent bill, etc.). So, ended up paying a $50 late fee, even though it was an electronic payment. Like everything in life, especially in debt payment - early is on time, on time is late. Needless to say-make sure that the payment will go through before the bill is due. A lot of credit companies will actually let you pick your due date - if that is the case, use it to your advantage. Find out when you get paid from your theatre company and make that your due date for debt.

One thing on checking accounts - if you can find one that has an overdraft protection, get it. You never know when one check is coming in, the other out and then you are left with a bouncey bouncey check. And a fee and hassles. Babies, balls and silly puddy are bouncey - checks should never be.

Second thing - credit cards. If you can swing it - before you leave, acquire some credit cards that give you 0% interest for a length of time. That way, you can make smaller payments without nasty interest. Be WARNED - this is a little dangerous - you really have to be on top of things for this to work. One late payment and your interest rate could go to 29.99% APR - ouch! Do this only if you have the organization to handle it.

Any memberships to clubs, library cards, etc.? Make sure you get all those late payments and such out of the way before you leave, if you can. It will save you on a lot of mail while you are gone and late fees getting passed off to creditors, etc. Just saves some hassle. And, in our case - the library. They send notices for books that are not turned in etc. And, if you are a clueless wife like I have been, you are constantly on the phone to your husband saying - has this been turned in, did you pay this while you were here, how much do you owe, etc.

Also, if you have no friends to help out with the mail (i.e., picking it up or getting it forwarded to them while you are away), you can also talk to the post office about holding it for you. They will usually do that automatically once your box is too full - if you have a cool post office delivery person. If not, you could come home to a box stuffed full and find out that half of your mail went in the garbage - it does happen.

That's all I have to say - off the top of my head - about finances. Wish me luck!

I Have A Blog

2006-09-15T11:44:00.000-04:00

So, wanting to post on my husband's blog, I had to create a username and password and therefore, create an account.

I have officially done something I told myself I would never do...

Have a freakin' blog.

But, when thinking about it - my husband is on tour (because he is so talented and wonderful and this is something that should have come his way many years ago - the man should be famous and wanted by artists and people the world over - OK I am a little biased).

So, husband on tour. He is writing a blog dedicated to being on tour so that people that are going on tour will have some sort of reference when deciding should they leave the comforts of their home to go star tripping for months at a time. Because, believe it or not, there really isn't a lot out there for actors embarking on a tour. What a market! Why hasn't some hack written a book on this and raking in the money. Well, if you are thinking of doing it now you tired old hack - step back - this is our territory now.

OK, I digress again - this is why I never wanted a blog. This is what my diary looked like as well - nonsequiter after nonsequiter. So, again, husband writing blog about being on tour - why not have someone write from the person's perspective of being at home - the significant other left behind. For a lot of actors out there, this is a deal breaker. I know that when Scot and I were first dating, I turned down a tour because I didn't think our relationship could handle it at the time. Now, marriage, partnership established, things are a tad easier. Or at least I thought.

Scot and I have been away from each other, since the dating days, no more than 3 weeks. Now, it has been almost 2 months. We have had two weekends of bliss together, but now, we won't be seeing each other again until Nov. 17 or so. Our 6 year anniversary being Nov. 18. That's a long time.

I have also just graduated from NYU with my Master's of Arts in Educational Theatre. Scot, up until then, had been doing a lot of the administrative work of our relationship. Bills, etc. Now, that, plus the normal cleaning up, plus, the only one looking after the cat (those little guys are a handful), falls in my lap.

So, I hope over the next few months, I can give the perspective of what happens while being away on tour. From the perspective of the left behind.