Things have been crazy and I do want to write more (I have 2 drafts I am working on, but isn't that always the case), but time has been so limited.
I will be back soon! Promise!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Task and Art of Repaving a Path
I have been noticing a lot of road construction recently. Tearing up roads, pouring down tar, the big rollers smoothing over the tar, all in the blazing sun. You wonder if this is what hell could be like. I mean, heat, on heat, then add some more heat.
That got me to thinking about life. And, how hard it is to start over. And looking at the path you are on. Trying to figure out if this is the right one or not. Or which one should I take? How should I narrow this down?
And, I realized, sometimes you don't have to completely take another road in life. It might be better to improve the road you are on first. Heck, you leave behind the road you were just on and, that road, well, could use some work.
I think re-paving a road is a lot harder than just abandoning the road and going off in another direction. It takes evaluation - how much damage needs to be repaired. It takes hard work - from the little patch up jobs to the complete destruction and re-building. It can be difficult - sweating it out, situations that are already very heated, pushing even further.
But, when you are done, when the road cools, you have something you can travel on again, smoothly. The small holes, the extra bits are gone. The road is lighter and you feel like you are flying. There is a quiet excitement, a newness, a self-confidence. You are now ready to take the next step in life.
So, please pardon the appearance, I am trying to repave my road. I'll let you know how it goes.
Got this IChing reading a bit ago - found it relevant to my feelings above:
60: Limits and Connections
Thursday, July 10th, 2008
General Meaning: Limits are necessary to give purpose and direction to life. Swimming in a sea of boundless opportunity would soon lead to exhaustion. Winging it alone in a sky of boundless opportunity would lead to being lost. In human affairs, the making of choices, and alliances, implies limitation, for in choosing one path another must be abandoned.
One key to a successful life is to select your limits consciously and carefully - to be discriminating in the setting of personal boundaries and knowing when to join in formation. Thrift, for example, often precedes prosperity; just as the letting go of selfish interests often leads to greater personal reward. Only by consciously accepting useful limits can one's energy be channeled to good purpose, and lead to lasting accomplishment.
Point yourself toward a middle way, the mean between discipline and freedom of spirit. Limits will come of their own accord; but to be able to consciously select your own affiliations in life - that's knowing how to fly! At the same time, do not go overboard on discipline. Even limitation must be limited, so that in attempting to bring order and direction into your life you do not choke off vital sources of enthusiasm and spontaneity.
Similarly, in groups and organizations, the rules and regulations should strike a balance between being too strict and too soft. If too strict, they build frustration among people, and ultimately become destructive. If too lenient, sloppiness becomes acceptable, and energy is soon dissipated. The best path is one which allows for the fulfillment of individual potential, while encouraging self-discipline and focus.
That got me to thinking about life. And, how hard it is to start over. And looking at the path you are on. Trying to figure out if this is the right one or not. Or which one should I take? How should I narrow this down?
And, I realized, sometimes you don't have to completely take another road in life. It might be better to improve the road you are on first. Heck, you leave behind the road you were just on and, that road, well, could use some work.
I think re-paving a road is a lot harder than just abandoning the road and going off in another direction. It takes evaluation - how much damage needs to be repaired. It takes hard work - from the little patch up jobs to the complete destruction and re-building. It can be difficult - sweating it out, situations that are already very heated, pushing even further.
But, when you are done, when the road cools, you have something you can travel on again, smoothly. The small holes, the extra bits are gone. The road is lighter and you feel like you are flying. There is a quiet excitement, a newness, a self-confidence. You are now ready to take the next step in life.
So, please pardon the appearance, I am trying to repave my road. I'll let you know how it goes.
Got this IChing reading a bit ago - found it relevant to my feelings above:
60: Limits and Connections
Thursday, July 10th, 2008
General Meaning: Limits are necessary to give purpose and direction to life. Swimming in a sea of boundless opportunity would soon lead to exhaustion. Winging it alone in a sky of boundless opportunity would lead to being lost. In human affairs, the making of choices, and alliances, implies limitation, for in choosing one path another must be abandoned.
One key to a successful life is to select your limits consciously and carefully - to be discriminating in the setting of personal boundaries and knowing when to join in formation. Thrift, for example, often precedes prosperity; just as the letting go of selfish interests often leads to greater personal reward. Only by consciously accepting useful limits can one's energy be channeled to good purpose, and lead to lasting accomplishment.
Point yourself toward a middle way, the mean between discipline and freedom of spirit. Limits will come of their own accord; but to be able to consciously select your own affiliations in life - that's knowing how to fly! At the same time, do not go overboard on discipline. Even limitation must be limited, so that in attempting to bring order and direction into your life you do not choke off vital sources of enthusiasm and spontaneity.
Similarly, in groups and organizations, the rules and regulations should strike a balance between being too strict and too soft. If too strict, they build frustration among people, and ultimately become destructive. If too lenient, sloppiness becomes acceptable, and energy is soon dissipated. The best path is one which allows for the fulfillment of individual potential, while encouraging self-discipline and focus.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Improving Health Through Shakes and Other Sordid Tales
Shakes? What?
I have so much to write about, but am very excited that I have made a step to improve my health!
OK - let me back track.
From 2005 to the end of 2006 I was using shakes as supplemental meals from Medifast. They were great tasting and gave you everything you needed - nutrition wise. These, along with exercise, got me down past my goal weight and down 3 sizes. I was happier than a pig in fat-free, low cal slop.
Uh, OK.
I still had a pretty fun and groovy lifestyle during this time. I would drink my shakes during the day and have one real small meal at some point during the day. I would still go out and have fun with my various friends (and lo and behold, be the incredibly cheap drunk). Eventually, I learned how to eat small meals over the course of a day, instead of one, two or five big meals.
Then, the holidays came in 2007 and the shows and the craziness. I was sporadically eating, sporadically partying and sporadically exercising.
Now 2008 is almost 1/2 way through and I am up XXlbs over my goal weight (no one needs to know that number). After hitting that mark, I realized I needed to embark back on my shakes to re-train myself how to eat again. I have also been doing more yoga and going to the gym more consistently.
Now, some of you might said - hey, have you heard about the Lemon aid cleanse, diet, insert whatever name here. I have and I hope to do it at some point. (Believe it or not, it is more expensive than the shake thing I am doing.)
It is very similar to stuff I have done in the past. And I did like the taste quite a bit (I tried a few sips when friends of mine that had been on the program.) Now, I haven't read a lot on it. I have learned about it from what my friends have told me. What I have noticed is:
My shakes do the same thing in a way. I have found myself moody and craving weird things. But, I know that this will pass. It's like re-booting your system. And usually everything works a little better when you do re-boot.
A friend of mine said recently, that maybe America is ripe for a cut down on food intake. Not only have food prices risen, but with obesity related illnesses topping out health problems - almost over smoking related illnesses - it gives one thought for pause. Wait, I'm over weight and I am smoking. That made me say a yikes. And heck, maybe we do eat too much.
And, that brings me to another tale-the smoking. I have had people come up to me while I was smoking and say - I thought you were quitting, I read your blog. I am cutting down, not quitting, not yet. I'm not ready to quit yet. I really like having a cigarette and if I can keep the smoking down to a pack or 1/2 a pack a week, I don't see the total harm in it. 1/2 a pack a week is equal to breathing NYC air right?
With that said, I have changed my cutting down program a little. I am now concentrating on smoking only one pack a week. The once a week idea didn't really work. The last time I was doing that, I was at AMDA, much more broke than I am now (although, almost debt free) and between singing, dancing, acting classes, working 6 hours a day (after all the school), I didn't have a lot of time or money to enjoy the smokey treat.
And, smoking was a lot like enjoying a piece of candy back in those days. I don't run out and get a candy bar everyday, but ever so often. And, I hope I can find that enjoyment in the smoking again. Ever so often, wanting a nice puff off of a fine tobacco product. And, enjoying a chocolaty treat.
I have so much to write about, but am very excited that I have made a step to improve my health!
OK - let me back track.
From 2005 to the end of 2006 I was using shakes as supplemental meals from Medifast. They were great tasting and gave you everything you needed - nutrition wise. These, along with exercise, got me down past my goal weight and down 3 sizes. I was happier than a pig in fat-free, low cal slop.
Uh, OK.
I still had a pretty fun and groovy lifestyle during this time. I would drink my shakes during the day and have one real small meal at some point during the day. I would still go out and have fun with my various friends (and lo and behold, be the incredibly cheap drunk). Eventually, I learned how to eat small meals over the course of a day, instead of one, two or five big meals.
Then, the holidays came in 2007 and the shows and the craziness. I was sporadically eating, sporadically partying and sporadically exercising.
Now 2008 is almost 1/2 way through and I am up XXlbs over my goal weight (no one needs to know that number). After hitting that mark, I realized I needed to embark back on my shakes to re-train myself how to eat again. I have also been doing more yoga and going to the gym more consistently.
Now, some of you might said - hey, have you heard about the Lemon aid cleanse, diet, insert whatever name here. I have and I hope to do it at some point. (Believe it or not, it is more expensive than the shake thing I am doing.)
It is very similar to stuff I have done in the past. And I did like the taste quite a bit (I tried a few sips when friends of mine that had been on the program.) Now, I haven't read a lot on it. I have learned about it from what my friends have told me. What I have noticed is:
You have a few days of feeling accomplishment, followed by mood swings and cravings, then you move into fatigue, then back to accomplishment and your body feeling more healthy, then you repeat one or two of the other steps, but feel stronger this time about it.
My shakes do the same thing in a way. I have found myself moody and craving weird things. But, I know that this will pass. It's like re-booting your system. And usually everything works a little better when you do re-boot.
A friend of mine said recently, that maybe America is ripe for a cut down on food intake. Not only have food prices risen, but with obesity related illnesses topping out health problems - almost over smoking related illnesses - it gives one thought for pause. Wait, I'm over weight and I am smoking. That made me say a yikes. And heck, maybe we do eat too much.
And, that brings me to another tale-the smoking. I have had people come up to me while I was smoking and say - I thought you were quitting, I read your blog. I am cutting down, not quitting, not yet. I'm not ready to quit yet. I really like having a cigarette and if I can keep the smoking down to a pack or 1/2 a pack a week, I don't see the total harm in it. 1/2 a pack a week is equal to breathing NYC air right?
With that said, I have changed my cutting down program a little. I am now concentrating on smoking only one pack a week. The once a week idea didn't really work. The last time I was doing that, I was at AMDA, much more broke than I am now (although, almost debt free) and between singing, dancing, acting classes, working 6 hours a day (after all the school), I didn't have a lot of time or money to enjoy the smokey treat.
And, smoking was a lot like enjoying a piece of candy back in those days. I don't run out and get a candy bar everyday, but ever so often. And, I hope I can find that enjoyment in the smoking again. Ever so often, wanting a nice puff off of a fine tobacco product. And, enjoying a chocolaty treat.
Monday, July 21, 2008
We Interupt This Regular Scheduled Blog To Say....
Isabeau Cope McClain has arrived! She was born July 3rd, 2008 at 10:20pm. She weighed 6 lb 13 oz, & was 20 inches long.
This is my friend AJ and her husband's Bobby new little child.
And, why is this so important - cause about 2 months ago we weren't sure she was going to make it. She being mother and child. Little Isabeau and Ms. AJ are both doing well.
She wrote a lovely and slightly horrifying story about the birth - I am asking her permission to re-publish here.
YAY!
Sorry no pictures yet.
This is my friend AJ and her husband's Bobby new little child.
And, why is this so important - cause about 2 months ago we weren't sure she was going to make it. She being mother and child. Little Isabeau and Ms. AJ are both doing well.
She wrote a lovely and slightly horrifying story about the birth - I am asking her permission to re-publish here.
YAY!
Sorry no pictures yet.
Friday, July 11, 2008
My Quilt
My mom is making me a quilt.
I couldn't wait - I had to show it. It is the green and purple with masks on the brown bed spread.
My mom had been going to "quilters", what she calls the group, for about a year now or so. She never made anything. Just learned different stitches and how to make a quilt. But, didn't think she could afford to actually make one. Little known fact - quilting is a very expensive hobby.
Last year, my dad told her to just go out and buy the stuff and make a quilt. And, she did. She has been working on this one for almost a year. I think she was originally going to be making a baby quilt, but with no real prospect of grand children, she changed it to a quilt for me.
And, I am just tickled.
And proud.
Way to go mom! (I'll be getting it this Christmas. It is probably going into a quilting show first.)
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Helpful Hint From a DIY Mac Tech
OK, sort of.
First off, let me just say - I love my Mac. I really, really do. Most of the time it is the easiest thing in the world to work on and change things to work better and fix. And, almost always, I find the way to make it work. It's like owning a puzzle that you always figure out and this gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Or, I if all else failed, I would ask Scott.
Since Scott is no longer in the other room, I have to call and see if he can help. Or lean on someone else.
As most of you know, I don't like asking for favors. I really do try to do it myself. And, this one, folks, has taken me a year.
So, I had backed up my computer once I got my external hard drive by copying all the files from one location to my external hard drive. Once I did this, I noticed I had 2 copies of Windows Media Player on my computer, so I trashed one.
I went to empty my trash and darn it if the Windows Media Player was saying that it was locked. So, I went through all the folders and still, there were some hidden files that were locked.
Well, no worries, I'll just take it out of my trash and put it on my Desktop, empty my trash and put it back in.
Oh no.
It copied it to my Desktop and left a copy in the trash. Windows Media Player had become a bunny and started to reproduce as one would. By the end of my little experiment, I had 4 copies of WMP in my trash.
So, to empty my trash, I had to continually click the "OK" when prompted that I could not delete a file because it was locked. And, there were A LOT of these files - I found out later, about 80 per folder. I did however, end up practicing my drumming technique. On my interior mouse. On my laptop. This just simply would not do.
I went to a lot of reference sites and tried to figure this out. All of them said to do all this weird stuff, reboot in another mode, wipe the hard drive, chant the Dummy for Mac handbook over the computer. The responses were negative to people who had tried these suggestions. And some people found that they destroyed their lap top, lost all of their information and the damn thing still was in the trash.
I was not alone in my plight. It was not comforting however.
Eventually, I gave up and decided I would take it in to an Apple store or TechServ at some point.
Then, recently, I got fed up and decided to try again. The key was in unlocking all the files, which I thought I had done. So, I unlocked all the files again that were in the trash. Then, tried to unlock the program itself. It would not let me unlock it.
Light bulb.
My solution when the lockable is unlockable - rename the file and extension.
Which I did. I just put something like "asjidkfp" with no "." or extension after - the common pop up - are you sure - I clicked yes - and what it changed it into was beautiful. It changed the program into a folder. And, low and behold, in that folder was all the language files...that were...locked.
I began the task of plowing through all the folders then all the programs within those folders, unlocking everything. Click, Click, Apple A, Apple I, unlock, moving on. There were about 6 languages per program with 75 files that needed to be unlocked per. I worked for about 1/2 an hour and was finished. Was this actually going to work?
I slid my finger on the keypad to move my mouse up to empty the trash. Viola. The crinkle of paper after you have thrown out the trash on a MAC happened. I hadn't heard that sound in a year.
Ah. Success.
First off, let me just say - I love my Mac. I really, really do. Most of the time it is the easiest thing in the world to work on and change things to work better and fix. And, almost always, I find the way to make it work. It's like owning a puzzle that you always figure out and this gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Or, I if all else failed, I would ask Scott.
Since Scott is no longer in the other room, I have to call and see if he can help. Or lean on someone else.
As most of you know, I don't like asking for favors. I really do try to do it myself. And, this one, folks, has taken me a year.
So, I had backed up my computer once I got my external hard drive by copying all the files from one location to my external hard drive. Once I did this, I noticed I had 2 copies of Windows Media Player on my computer, so I trashed one.
I went to empty my trash and darn it if the Windows Media Player was saying that it was locked. So, I went through all the folders and still, there were some hidden files that were locked.
Well, no worries, I'll just take it out of my trash and put it on my Desktop, empty my trash and put it back in.
Oh no.
It copied it to my Desktop and left a copy in the trash. Windows Media Player had become a bunny and started to reproduce as one would. By the end of my little experiment, I had 4 copies of WMP in my trash.
So, to empty my trash, I had to continually click the "OK" when prompted that I could not delete a file because it was locked. And, there were A LOT of these files - I found out later, about 80 per folder. I did however, end up practicing my drumming technique. On my interior mouse. On my laptop. This just simply would not do.
I went to a lot of reference sites and tried to figure this out. All of them said to do all this weird stuff, reboot in another mode, wipe the hard drive, chant the Dummy for Mac handbook over the computer. The responses were negative to people who had tried these suggestions. And some people found that they destroyed their lap top, lost all of their information and the damn thing still was in the trash.
I was not alone in my plight. It was not comforting however.
Eventually, I gave up and decided I would take it in to an Apple store or TechServ at some point.
Then, recently, I got fed up and decided to try again. The key was in unlocking all the files, which I thought I had done. So, I unlocked all the files again that were in the trash. Then, tried to unlock the program itself. It would not let me unlock it.
Light bulb.
My solution when the lockable is unlockable - rename the file and extension.
Which I did. I just put something like "asjidkfp" with no "." or extension after - the common pop up - are you sure - I clicked yes - and what it changed it into was beautiful. It changed the program into a folder. And, low and behold, in that folder was all the language files...that were...locked.
I began the task of plowing through all the folders then all the programs within those folders, unlocking everything. Click, Click, Apple A, Apple I, unlock, moving on. There were about 6 languages per program with 75 files that needed to be unlocked per. I worked for about 1/2 an hour and was finished. Was this actually going to work?
I slid my finger on the keypad to move my mouse up to empty the trash. Viola. The crinkle of paper after you have thrown out the trash on a MAC happened. I hadn't heard that sound in a year.
Ah. Success.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
The Grass Is Also Greener Here
Continuation of last post.
Day Six: Sleeping and Scanning
Got up just a tad too late to go running and just went with my mom to the Blue House. The people there are great! Great stories, good food, good coffee. And, it is the hangout in the morning of Carlsbad. In other words, all the cool kids go there. I wish I could repeat some of the conversations, but I believe in what's said at the Blue House, stays at the Blue House. :)
Day 7: Scanning and Swimming
So, yes, there was a lot of pics to scan - and they are all on my Picasa page now. I got up, went to the natitorium at the High School. Olympic sized swimming pool. Not messing around. I did about 8 laps with a little rest in between each one. Olympic sized - a lot longer than you think. I use the one at my gym and I can do 4 laps before needing a rest. Of course, then the Blue House.
Then, we went to Brantley Lake a little while later. There were bunnies! Well, hares or jack rabbits to be exact. But, cute bunnies! And road runners! I stuck my toe in, but really didn't do any swimming. After seeing a sign that the fish weren't edible from the lake - I pondered what was in that water.
From there we went to the gem show at the Living Desert State Park. Then, home. Where I ate my last green chili cheese burger for awhile and packed to go home.
I got up the next day, enjoyed breakfast at the Blue House - said goodbye to all the regulars and went to Roswell to take off (again, in a plane, not a spaceship). I had a 6 hour layover in Dallas, TX that I spent with my friend's fiancee, drinking margaritas and discussing their upcoming nuptials.
Then, back to this side of the fence.
I miss that pace of life sometimes. Still getting everything done, but just a little bit slower. Enjoying time with family. Enjoying leisure time. I decided a couple of days ago, that I needed some time off from theatre projects. So, the one I am currently working on will be the last until Blood Brother's Present.... starts up in August. I want to try to re-create, at least a piece of that relaxed sigh that I found myself doing from time to time.
And, look at some more of these - clouds.
Day Six: Sleeping and Scanning
Got up just a tad too late to go running and just went with my mom to the Blue House. The people there are great! Great stories, good food, good coffee. And, it is the hangout in the morning of Carlsbad. In other words, all the cool kids go there. I wish I could repeat some of the conversations, but I believe in what's said at the Blue House, stays at the Blue House. :)
Day 7: Scanning and Swimming
So, yes, there was a lot of pics to scan - and they are all on my Picasa page now. I got up, went to the natitorium at the High School. Olympic sized swimming pool. Not messing around. I did about 8 laps with a little rest in between each one. Olympic sized - a lot longer than you think. I use the one at my gym and I can do 4 laps before needing a rest. Of course, then the Blue House.
Then, we went to Brantley Lake a little while later. There were bunnies! Well, hares or jack rabbits to be exact. But, cute bunnies! And road runners! I stuck my toe in, but really didn't do any swimming. After seeing a sign that the fish weren't edible from the lake - I pondered what was in that water.
From there we went to the gem show at the Living Desert State Park. Then, home. Where I ate my last green chili cheese burger for awhile and packed to go home.
I got up the next day, enjoyed breakfast at the Blue House - said goodbye to all the regulars and went to Roswell to take off (again, in a plane, not a spaceship). I had a 6 hour layover in Dallas, TX that I spent with my friend's fiancee, drinking margaritas and discussing their upcoming nuptials.
Then, back to this side of the fence.
I miss that pace of life sometimes. Still getting everything done, but just a little bit slower. Enjoying time with family. Enjoying leisure time. I decided a couple of days ago, that I needed some time off from theatre projects. So, the one I am currently working on will be the last until Blood Brother's Present.... starts up in August. I want to try to re-create, at least a piece of that relaxed sigh that I found myself doing from time to time.
And, look at some more of these - clouds.
The Southwest is Also Greener from the Other Side
I wanted to blog while I was on vacation, but, as is my life, things were continually busy. I did slow down to a steady hum (think of a humming bird slowing down to the pace of a sparrow). And, it was a nice excursion. So, instead of day journals - I will give you highlights.
Day one: Landing
After being up pretty much all night, I was received by my mom and her 2 friends - Irene and Kelly. We went to IHOP - mmmmm. Then, took off from Roswell to home. (Roswell, NM is where I landed - hahaha - gosh that town has gone from nice to big ole alien tourist trap.)
It was really weird walking into the house that day. The last time I was there, I was helping my mom get ready for my father's funeral. Here I was, for the first time, coming for a visit and it being one day before Father's Day. My father, gone. Pictures of him now replaced a lot of the other pictures that were hanging on the wall from the last time I was there. I went to take a shower later that day in my mother's room. His side of the room was just the same. A slight haze of dust laid over bits of it. His jeans were still hanging over the suit rack. His shoes lined up on the floor. His bedside table - everything still there, untouched. So, after my shower, I took some toilet paper and dusted things off. Looked at some of his books.
Day Two: Coping
Father's Day. Mom and I went to a Father's day brunch at one of the local bistros. It was buffet style. The food was really good, however, the presentation was that of a family reunion. Different dishes in different serving trays and bowls spread out on paper lace table cloths.
After that, got some flowers and went here.
Yup. This is how I spent my Father's Day. It looks really nice though. I couldn't have picked a better spot for him. I also looked at my mom's side of the marker. I told her that as creepy as it was to have that there, I was glad I would never have to worry about taking care of it. When she dies at the ripe old age of 110, I'll have nothing to worry about. She said, oh please don't let me live that long. :)
Day Three - Five: On the Road Again
After dealing with some business and a trip to my mom's favorite place to go to 6 times a week, The Blue House, we headed out for Lubbock, TX, where I was to see my father's sister, my aunt, and a whole slew of cousins (cousins of mine with children), most of which I hadn't seen in close to 15 years. One of them just graduated high school, in which case, I told him that I would be back around before he graduated college and apologized for not seeing him since he was in diapers, or something like that. His mother replied with - yeah, right, we'll see you again when he gets married. I do love family. They always tell you like they see and know you. :)
Then off to Santa Fe. Now, this whole trip was major driving. Three hours to Lubbock, TX, Five hours to Santa Fe, then Four and a 1/2 hours back to Carlsbad. In Santa Fe we stayed at a nice hotel, had a good meal, good drinks, went shopping, said hello to Marsha's uncle and I got to catch up with my good friend Kim. Then the driving. But all was made better by a Dairy Queen Chocolate Dipped Waffle Cone (they are not as good looking as they are on TV, but still very tasty). A picture is worth a thousand words, so here are a few thousand that I don't have to write:
Part 2... Coming Soon
Day one: Landing
After being up pretty much all night, I was received by my mom and her 2 friends - Irene and Kelly. We went to IHOP - mmmmm. Then, took off from Roswell to home. (Roswell, NM is where I landed - hahaha - gosh that town has gone from nice to big ole alien tourist trap.)
It was really weird walking into the house that day. The last time I was there, I was helping my mom get ready for my father's funeral. Here I was, for the first time, coming for a visit and it being one day before Father's Day. My father, gone. Pictures of him now replaced a lot of the other pictures that were hanging on the wall from the last time I was there. I went to take a shower later that day in my mother's room. His side of the room was just the same. A slight haze of dust laid over bits of it. His jeans were still hanging over the suit rack. His shoes lined up on the floor. His bedside table - everything still there, untouched. So, after my shower, I took some toilet paper and dusted things off. Looked at some of his books.
Day Two: Coping
Father's Day. Mom and I went to a Father's day brunch at one of the local bistros. It was buffet style. The food was really good, however, the presentation was that of a family reunion. Different dishes in different serving trays and bowls spread out on paper lace table cloths.
After that, got some flowers and went here.
Yup. This is how I spent my Father's Day. It looks really nice though. I couldn't have picked a better spot for him. I also looked at my mom's side of the marker. I told her that as creepy as it was to have that there, I was glad I would never have to worry about taking care of it. When she dies at the ripe old age of 110, I'll have nothing to worry about. She said, oh please don't let me live that long. :)
Day Three - Five: On the Road Again
After dealing with some business and a trip to my mom's favorite place to go to 6 times a week, The Blue House, we headed out for Lubbock, TX, where I was to see my father's sister, my aunt, and a whole slew of cousins (cousins of mine with children), most of which I hadn't seen in close to 15 years. One of them just graduated high school, in which case, I told him that I would be back around before he graduated college and apologized for not seeing him since he was in diapers, or something like that. His mother replied with - yeah, right, we'll see you again when he gets married. I do love family. They always tell you like they see and know you. :)
Then off to Santa Fe. Now, this whole trip was major driving. Three hours to Lubbock, TX, Five hours to Santa Fe, then Four and a 1/2 hours back to Carlsbad. In Santa Fe we stayed at a nice hotel, had a good meal, good drinks, went shopping, said hello to Marsha's uncle and I got to catch up with my good friend Kim. Then the driving. But all was made better by a Dairy Queen Chocolate Dipped Waffle Cone (they are not as good looking as they are on TV, but still very tasty). A picture is worth a thousand words, so here are a few thousand that I don't have to write:
Part 2... Coming Soon
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
It Has Been One Week As Of
Midnight tonight.
I will have gone one week without smoking. I was even around a BBQ with all sorts of smokers and things smoking, and smoking, smoking, smoking. And yet, AND YET!
Not a toke. Not a pull. Not a puff.
It helps to have been extremely sick, have feverish hallucinations and not be able to swallow without intense pain for 48 hours. Then, get a hacking cough (that is still with me) 2 days later. It's not that bad - just sounds like I am dying ever 3 hours or so.
But, I digress - a week folks!
Another part of that reason is the price of cigarettes. I went to buy a pack on Tuesday, pulled out my regular $8 for the $7.25 to $7.75 pack and was told I needed another dollar - It's $9 now. That was it, I'm done. I knew they would get me in the pocketbook eventually.
They win! I'm going to try and cut it WAY down.
Here's the new plan folks:
I can smoke once a week. One day. That's it.
During productions: I can smoke one week before Tech, Tech week and Show nights.
Have I found any benefits you might ask? Well, the only one so far is I am not as tired as I was in the morning and well, all day and for all the sickness, my singing voice is hitting some notes I couldn't hit when I was well.
And, until I am fully well, probably still will sound like I am coughing up a lung from time to time. But, this to will pass.
I will have gone one week without smoking. I was even around a BBQ with all sorts of smokers and things smoking, and smoking, smoking, smoking. And yet, AND YET!
Not a toke. Not a pull. Not a puff.
It helps to have been extremely sick, have feverish hallucinations and not be able to swallow without intense pain for 48 hours. Then, get a hacking cough (that is still with me) 2 days later. It's not that bad - just sounds like I am dying ever 3 hours or so.
But, I digress - a week folks!
Another part of that reason is the price of cigarettes. I went to buy a pack on Tuesday, pulled out my regular $8 for the $7.25 to $7.75 pack and was told I needed another dollar - It's $9 now. That was it, I'm done. I knew they would get me in the pocketbook eventually.
They win! I'm going to try and cut it WAY down.
Here's the new plan folks:
I can smoke once a week. One day. That's it.
During productions: I can smoke one week before Tech, Tech week and Show nights.
Have I found any benefits you might ask? Well, the only one so far is I am not as tired as I was in the morning and well, all day and for all the sickness, my singing voice is hitting some notes I couldn't hit when I was well.
And, until I am fully well, probably still will sound like I am coughing up a lung from time to time. But, this to will pass.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Since May? I am so sorry!
I have not posted since May? Since May? Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. Sorry to myself and to my readers. I haven't been feeling really "posty" lately. Still recouping from the big run of Colorful World. But, I am going on vaca very soon and hopefully might do some interesting writing from the Southwest. We'll see.
But, for today, saw this and wanted to post. My Hexagram for the day. I am pretty sure everyone gets the same - although, I could be wrong. This could be my own personal one. Regardless, something is singing in this for me. Not sure what I need to take from it or exactly how to apply, but once I was reading, I got a little twinkle in my belly. Ah, intuition. Here you go:
59: Dispersing
Monday, June 9th, 2008
General Meaning: Nothing survives forever, not even rocks, not even the most rigid of structures. The erosion of that which has been solid is not necessarily bad: it can mean that something new is being created. The image is of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges.
Rigidity in the hearts of men tends to breed a separateness which can only be thawed by a greater force: typically, some strong spiritual stirring. The thawing of cold hearts brings good fortune.
The first thing to dissolve is any internal rigidity which separates you from others. Try to work more closely with others, concentrating on common activities which evidence your integrity and native goodwill. Sudden, strong action in support of a greater good can lift the spirit, and lead toward new possibilities in many areas. Spiritual impulses - including righteous indignation and a strong sense of justice - should be honored, and acted upon. They can provide the initial impulse to important and constructive change.
And if you should have any lingering business or other partnerships which are inactive or not working, you might consider dissolving these as well.
But, for today, saw this and wanted to post. My Hexagram for the day. I am pretty sure everyone gets the same - although, I could be wrong. This could be my own personal one. Regardless, something is singing in this for me. Not sure what I need to take from it or exactly how to apply, but once I was reading, I got a little twinkle in my belly. Ah, intuition. Here you go:
59: Dispersing
Monday, June 9th, 2008
General Meaning: Nothing survives forever, not even rocks, not even the most rigid of structures. The erosion of that which has been solid is not necessarily bad: it can mean that something new is being created. The image is of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges.
Rigidity in the hearts of men tends to breed a separateness which can only be thawed by a greater force: typically, some strong spiritual stirring. The thawing of cold hearts brings good fortune.
The first thing to dissolve is any internal rigidity which separates you from others. Try to work more closely with others, concentrating on common activities which evidence your integrity and native goodwill. Sudden, strong action in support of a greater good can lift the spirit, and lead toward new possibilities in many areas. Spiritual impulses - including righteous indignation and a strong sense of justice - should be honored, and acted upon. They can provide the initial impulse to important and constructive change.
And if you should have any lingering business or other partnerships which are inactive or not working, you might consider dissolving these as well.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Status Report
Show is open. Tech week is over. I have gotten some amount of sleep. People keep saying I look tired.
I weighed myself and doesn't seem to be that I gained any weight. However, I am much more flabby than before. Must keep up with the working out and getting in better shape. Went to the gym today.
I smoked A LOT during Tech week. However, today, just one so far. Back to the cut down.
With that said, please come to our show. It's really quite spectacular.
Colorful World
A new play by James Comtois
featuring
Zack Calhoon* — Abe Goldfarb* — Jessi Gotta
Marc Landers — Mac Rogers — Patrick Shearer
Ben VandenBoom — Christopher Yustin
*Denotes member of the Actors Equity Association
Directed by Pete Boisvert
The 78th Street Theatre Lab, 236 West 78th St., 2nd Floor
May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31
Thursday through Saturday, 8 p.m.
Tickets available at TheatreMania.
In 1988, the world discovered a man who was indestructible, impervious to pain, and able to destroy a tank with his mind.
In the early- to mid-nineties, a craze where vigilantes dressed up in flashy costumes and fought crime took the nation by storm.
Now it's 2005. The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center are still standing. Hurricane Katrina has decimated New Orleans. The Iraq War is coming to a close. And several former costumed crimefighters realize their marks on the world are more akin to those of has-been rock stars.
This is Colorful World, Nosedive Productions' latest full-length production that takes on the superhero genre. Far from a pulpy comic book-style romp, James Comtois and Pete Boisvert (The Adventures of Nervous-Boy) envision a world radically changed by the arrival of an invincible man, and not necessarily for the better.
Colorful World will be performed at the 78th Street Theatre Lab (236 West 78th St. at Broadway) May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31 (Thursday through Saturday). All shows are at 8 p.m. and tickets are $18. Subway: 1 to 79th Street; A to 81st Street; or 1 2 or 3 to 72nd Street. Tickets available at TheatreMania.
I weighed myself and doesn't seem to be that I gained any weight. However, I am much more flabby than before. Must keep up with the working out and getting in better shape. Went to the gym today.
I smoked A LOT during Tech week. However, today, just one so far. Back to the cut down.
With that said, please come to our show. It's really quite spectacular.
Colorful World
A new play by James Comtois
featuring
Zack Calhoon* — Abe Goldfarb* — Jessi Gotta
Marc Landers — Mac Rogers — Patrick Shearer
Ben VandenBoom — Christopher Yustin
*Denotes member of the Actors Equity Association
Directed by Pete Boisvert
The 78th Street Theatre Lab, 236 West 78th St., 2nd Floor
May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31
Thursday through Saturday, 8 p.m.
Tickets available at TheatreMania.
In 1988, the world discovered a man who was indestructible, impervious to pain, and able to destroy a tank with his mind.
In the early- to mid-nineties, a craze where vigilantes dressed up in flashy costumes and fought crime took the nation by storm.
Now it's 2005. The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center are still standing. Hurricane Katrina has decimated New Orleans. The Iraq War is coming to a close. And several former costumed crimefighters realize their marks on the world are more akin to those of has-been rock stars.
This is Colorful World, Nosedive Productions' latest full-length production that takes on the superhero genre. Far from a pulpy comic book-style romp, James Comtois and Pete Boisvert (The Adventures of Nervous-Boy) envision a world radically changed by the arrival of an invincible man, and not necessarily for the better.
Colorful World will be performed at the 78th Street Theatre Lab (236 West 78th St. at Broadway) May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31 (Thursday through Saturday). All shows are at 8 p.m. and tickets are $18. Subway: 1 to 79th Street; A to 81st Street; or 1 2 or 3 to 72nd Street. Tickets available at TheatreMania.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Show Good, Fire Bad
The fear of all that is holy and non-holy came rushing through me Monday night as I was trying to drift off to sleep. And, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't sleep. One thing after another came through my head regarding the upcoming Nosedive show. All the things that needed to get done, all the things that I was responsible for, all the things I wasn't responsible for, but needed to keep an eye on. And, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't sleep.
I don't know when I got to bed that night, but when I did wake, didn't feel like I slept at all.
And the fear was, one of the things I realized, in essence, for Colorful World, I am Stage Manager, Tech Director, Assistant Set Designer and all things props. (I had some people lined up to help out, as per usual. However, this time around, everyone got busy or was moving, etc., etc.) I am no stranger to responsibility. But, this much, overwhelmed me for a few.
Then, I took sometime and got my crap together.
I really thought, being out of grad school, only working a 9 to 5 job, I could do this, I have plenty of time. I can take on another show with another company in between all my shows and still get things done. Yeah, I may have over estimated how much time I had time.
I now feel like I could use one more week.
But, don't we all feel that way? Even when doing any large project? Just one more week? Come on. Really? That's all I'm asking here.
And, the funny thing is, we always get things done and the finished product is much better than we could ever dream. That's what I'm hoping for here.
However, the last show I remember being this worked up about was The Adventures of Nervous Boy. And, that turned out amazing. Better than amazing. Phenomenal.
The real reason I opened up my blog today was because of my Iching reading I got for the day. From what I was just feeling, this really seemed to hit home.
So, to all my readers, there may not be that much posting over the next few. Except for promotional.
(You should come see my show. I am working really hard on it. http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/142889)
My Iching Reading for Today
51 Shock
General Meaning: One hears thunder unexpectedly! First comes fear, then a sharpened, clearer vision. Recall a close brush with danger - a falling branch, an automobile accident barely avoided, an escape from a potentially violent confrontation. Such incidents first arouse every nerve fiber in your body in a brief wave of terror, but soon, once the danger has passed, give way to a heightened awareness of the world. The same process also occurs with other types of shock - the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, business failure and so on.
The lasting impact of a major shock can either be stimulating or debilitating, depending upon one's inner strength of character. The critical factor is the ability to become immune to fear, thereby transforming anxiety into a laser-sharp perception of the world around you.
When overtaken by crisis, the wise search their hearts for inner strengths, in order to face the world with courage. Courage often means daring to take the unexpected path - to bounce back quickly and self-confidently after failure, to have faith in the eternal when confronted with death.
We tend to think of shock only in the context of unpleasant events. We can also be jarred, however, by the sudden release of tension which comes with unexpected success. To keep your bearings in the aftershock of either trauma or victory, it is essential that your inner compass be aligned with "true north", that magnetic force which guides you toward fulfillment of both your deepest desire, and your highest destiny.
I don't know when I got to bed that night, but when I did wake, didn't feel like I slept at all.
And the fear was, one of the things I realized, in essence, for Colorful World, I am Stage Manager, Tech Director, Assistant Set Designer and all things props. (I had some people lined up to help out, as per usual. However, this time around, everyone got busy or was moving, etc., etc.) I am no stranger to responsibility. But, this much, overwhelmed me for a few.
Then, I took sometime and got my crap together.
I really thought, being out of grad school, only working a 9 to 5 job, I could do this, I have plenty of time. I can take on another show with another company in between all my shows and still get things done. Yeah, I may have over estimated how much time I had time.
I now feel like I could use one more week.
But, don't we all feel that way? Even when doing any large project? Just one more week? Come on. Really? That's all I'm asking here.
And, the funny thing is, we always get things done and the finished product is much better than we could ever dream. That's what I'm hoping for here.
However, the last show I remember being this worked up about was The Adventures of Nervous Boy. And, that turned out amazing. Better than amazing. Phenomenal.
The real reason I opened up my blog today was because of my Iching reading I got for the day. From what I was just feeling, this really seemed to hit home.
So, to all my readers, there may not be that much posting over the next few. Except for promotional.
(You should come see my show. I am working really hard on it. http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/142889)
My Iching Reading for Today
51 Shock
General Meaning: One hears thunder unexpectedly! First comes fear, then a sharpened, clearer vision. Recall a close brush with danger - a falling branch, an automobile accident barely avoided, an escape from a potentially violent confrontation. Such incidents first arouse every nerve fiber in your body in a brief wave of terror, but soon, once the danger has passed, give way to a heightened awareness of the world. The same process also occurs with other types of shock - the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, business failure and so on.
The lasting impact of a major shock can either be stimulating or debilitating, depending upon one's inner strength of character. The critical factor is the ability to become immune to fear, thereby transforming anxiety into a laser-sharp perception of the world around you.
When overtaken by crisis, the wise search their hearts for inner strengths, in order to face the world with courage. Courage often means daring to take the unexpected path - to bounce back quickly and self-confidently after failure, to have faith in the eternal when confronted with death.
We tend to think of shock only in the context of unpleasant events. We can also be jarred, however, by the sudden release of tension which comes with unexpected success. To keep your bearings in the aftershock of either trauma or victory, it is essential that your inner compass be aligned with "true north", that magnetic force which guides you toward fulfillment of both your deepest desire, and your highest destiny.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Busy, busy, busy...
I got a little swamped and side tracked these past couple of weeks - hence no posting. Busy.
How many times have some of you heard that come out of my mouth? I am beginning to think it as more of a mantra I repeat than an actual state of being. I mean, I am out of grad school. I work a 9 to 5 job. I socialize from time to time. What the heck I am so busy at?
Making theatre.
OK, well, come on. You also probably knew that. But, I got to talking to some folks a couple of weeks ago and again, the "busy" word came up. And, one person asked me - have you had a break? To this, I pondered and began to say- well of course I...wait a minute.
I have been involved in shows since January of 2007.
Yes, I can say - well, I didn't do anything in May, but I was moving and my goodness, that was a production in itself. But, I realized, that out of all my goals - most of which have been going by the side of the road - I did accomplish that one. I have been doing theatre for over a straight year now. And, for a lot of it, I have been getting a stipend. So, paid work at that.
This is definitely where I say - be careful what you wish for.
I also feel that I have learned a lot in this year in the theatre world as well. And, on occasion, I have been called upon by peers in my different fields for suggestions, recommendations and knowledge that for some odd reason, I possess. I am starting to feel like the little engine that could. I am starting to see the top of the hill.
The only thing I wonder now is - what is over the top and will I enjoy the ride. Or am I just about to go out of control?
How many times have some of you heard that come out of my mouth? I am beginning to think it as more of a mantra I repeat than an actual state of being. I mean, I am out of grad school. I work a 9 to 5 job. I socialize from time to time. What the heck I am so busy at?
Making theatre.
OK, well, come on. You also probably knew that. But, I got to talking to some folks a couple of weeks ago and again, the "busy" word came up. And, one person asked me - have you had a break? To this, I pondered and began to say- well of course I...wait a minute.
I have been involved in shows since January of 2007.
Yes, I can say - well, I didn't do anything in May, but I was moving and my goodness, that was a production in itself. But, I realized, that out of all my goals - most of which have been going by the side of the road - I did accomplish that one. I have been doing theatre for over a straight year now. And, for a lot of it, I have been getting a stipend. So, paid work at that.
This is definitely where I say - be careful what you wish for.
I also feel that I have learned a lot in this year in the theatre world as well. And, on occasion, I have been called upon by peers in my different fields for suggestions, recommendations and knowledge that for some odd reason, I possess. I am starting to feel like the little engine that could. I am starting to see the top of the hill.
The only thing I wonder now is - what is over the top and will I enjoy the ride. Or am I just about to go out of control?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Ordinary World
Last night, I took a moment to myself to smoke a cigarette and got to look out over a portion of our fair city. Listen to the traffic below, see the lights on all the buildings, look at the people across the street in their apartments, hear the people talking to other people as they went on their way.
This reminded me of one of my first nights in New York City.
When I first moved here, I was only smoking one cigarette a week. I chose to take that one cigarette on the roof of my apartment building - my apartment being a 10X12 room. I lived off of 57th street and Lexington Ave. I was relieved when I first heard that I had roof access. From the cramped living quarters to the cramped everyday life of New York, it was nice to know I had a place where I could feel space.
I would go up to the roof and scan the whole city. It was gorgeous. All the lights and sounds. The first time I went up there it was a little overwhelming, the big city. But as I took it all in, the stars I missed were replaced with the lights and buildings I would grow to love.
I also began to remember all the times I would be walking home from seeing a show or going through Times Square or walking through Central Park on my way to school. I would ever so often stop for a second out of glee and think - my gosh, I live in New York City.
Last night, after remembering this, I tried to re-kindle that moment for this great city. But, it wasn't there. That awe of where I am. It has been replaced by a feeling of this is where I live. This is my home. This is normalcy.
Well, I have been here for over a decade.
But, I still wanted that feeling. It should still be there. I get excited walking home when I realize where I live and how much I love the neighborhood and all the things that encompass it. I decided that there had to be another reason for not feeling that "awe" than just the fact that I've been here for awhile. Then, it dawned on me. New York was my goal. I have attained it.
My dream was to live in New York - I am. To work in theatre - I am. To be able to make a living - I am (well sort of). I am doing everything I have set out to do.
I still didn't feel satisfied with my thoughts on all this. So, what did I do - I turned to my music.
Ordinary World by Duran Duran came on. At first listen I thought - exactly, right, I'm living in an ordinary world. What was once a place of excitement and newness was now just ordinary. Great. Well, what should I do now?
Then, I listened to the song again, and again, and again. Really paying close attention to the lyrics.
I love it when a song speaks to you. Or, you can insert your own feelings or life into it. Some would say speak - others insert - I like thinking it speaks to me. The lyrics reflected feelings, ideas, situations (in a very broad term) that had happened up to a year ago to things that had happened just recently. And, after my day - meditating, releasing here, reflecting there, the above moment, etc., I felt satisfied with my answer. And, felt that the day had come, full circle.
What I took from it? Time to dry my eyes from my past heartaches and start moving to solid ground. There are also things in the world around me that are much bigger than what is going on in my own head. I need to stop trying to regain some semblance of my past and start trying to find out who I am and what my life is now. I can't re-kindle that moment of the excitement of the city no more than I can bring back the life I once loved.
This has definitely been a true Spring Equinox/Easter for me. I can feel the warm in the air. Time to shake off the leaves.
Ordinary World Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all? Crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say:
'Pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me? Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
Just blown away
And I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world,
Every world is our world,
Every world
This reminded me of one of my first nights in New York City.
When I first moved here, I was only smoking one cigarette a week. I chose to take that one cigarette on the roof of my apartment building - my apartment being a 10X12 room. I lived off of 57th street and Lexington Ave. I was relieved when I first heard that I had roof access. From the cramped living quarters to the cramped everyday life of New York, it was nice to know I had a place where I could feel space.
I would go up to the roof and scan the whole city. It was gorgeous. All the lights and sounds. The first time I went up there it was a little overwhelming, the big city. But as I took it all in, the stars I missed were replaced with the lights and buildings I would grow to love.
I also began to remember all the times I would be walking home from seeing a show or going through Times Square or walking through Central Park on my way to school. I would ever so often stop for a second out of glee and think - my gosh, I live in New York City.
Last night, after remembering this, I tried to re-kindle that moment for this great city. But, it wasn't there. That awe of where I am. It has been replaced by a feeling of this is where I live. This is my home. This is normalcy.
Well, I have been here for over a decade.
But, I still wanted that feeling. It should still be there. I get excited walking home when I realize where I live and how much I love the neighborhood and all the things that encompass it. I decided that there had to be another reason for not feeling that "awe" than just the fact that I've been here for awhile. Then, it dawned on me. New York was my goal. I have attained it.
My dream was to live in New York - I am. To work in theatre - I am. To be able to make a living - I am (well sort of). I am doing everything I have set out to do.
I still didn't feel satisfied with my thoughts on all this. So, what did I do - I turned to my music.
Ordinary World by Duran Duran came on. At first listen I thought - exactly, right, I'm living in an ordinary world. What was once a place of excitement and newness was now just ordinary. Great. Well, what should I do now?
Then, I listened to the song again, and again, and again. Really paying close attention to the lyrics.
I love it when a song speaks to you. Or, you can insert your own feelings or life into it. Some would say speak - others insert - I like thinking it speaks to me. The lyrics reflected feelings, ideas, situations (in a very broad term) that had happened up to a year ago to things that had happened just recently. And, after my day - meditating, releasing here, reflecting there, the above moment, etc., I felt satisfied with my answer. And, felt that the day had come, full circle.
What I took from it? Time to dry my eyes from my past heartaches and start moving to solid ground. There are also things in the world around me that are much bigger than what is going on in my own head. I need to stop trying to regain some semblance of my past and start trying to find out who I am and what my life is now. I can't re-kindle that moment of the excitement of the city no more than I can bring back the life I once loved.
This has definitely been a true Spring Equinox/Easter for me. I can feel the warm in the air. Time to shake off the leaves.
Ordinary World Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all? Crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say:
'Pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me? Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
Just blown away
And I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world,
Every world is our world,
Every world
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Hey, I Put My New Shoes On...
I am a year older and hopefully I have been able to take last year's lessons and information to be able to say the proverbial - one year older and wiser.
I have been feeling like I have been a drift a vast ocean for so long. Or, like I've told some of my friends, being re-created from the burnt ashes of experience. My own Icarus Phoenix if you will(I should write about that sometime). But only now am I being able to stand fully upright and brushing off the soot.
I am one year older.
And, when being born, one is stripped from their mother's womb, the one warm, comforting place you knew for so many months and slapped on the back and then, at least in my day, placed on a cold metal scale. This is your welcome to the world - your birth. Of course, this would leave anyone a little cranky.
I was really cranky last week.
However, this morning I woke up, from underneath my warm blankets, feeling somewhat satisfied. Like everything would be OK. That everything was OK.
Was this from talking to my mom last night? Was this from starting auditions for Colorful World? Was this from having a populus of people saying Happy Birthday to me for three days straight (which by the way - thank you!)? Was it the Tarot card reading I got and the results of that? I don't know. And, it could be, that nothing above actually changed my perception. I just was...that, of feeling alright, for the first time in I don't know how long.
That's not to say that over this past year there weren't mornings I woke up giddy over this or that. Or found myself happily walking down the street. Or loving ever minute of being with my friends. I have found myself happy and feeling alright multiple times over this year.
This morning I woke up feeling satisfied. Like I can do anything.
The world is in front of me. I am a year older and hopefully wiser. I have learned from all of my teachers, the world, around me. I believe I am ready to re-start out on my path. This is both scary and exciting. Part of me wants to crawl back under the covers and just relish that feeling of satisfaction. But, I know the feeling will pass. So, I just have to keep on going, like I have been, and see what this new year will bring.
This feeling of satsifaction? I hope it lasts.
Never Stop Rocking....
I have been feeling like I have been a drift a vast ocean for so long. Or, like I've told some of my friends, being re-created from the burnt ashes of experience. My own Icarus Phoenix if you will(I should write about that sometime). But only now am I being able to stand fully upright and brushing off the soot.
I am one year older.
And, when being born, one is stripped from their mother's womb, the one warm, comforting place you knew for so many months and slapped on the back and then, at least in my day, placed on a cold metal scale. This is your welcome to the world - your birth. Of course, this would leave anyone a little cranky.
I was really cranky last week.
However, this morning I woke up, from underneath my warm blankets, feeling somewhat satisfied. Like everything would be OK. That everything was OK.
Was this from talking to my mom last night? Was this from starting auditions for Colorful World? Was this from having a populus of people saying Happy Birthday to me for three days straight (which by the way - thank you!)? Was it the Tarot card reading I got and the results of that? I don't know. And, it could be, that nothing above actually changed my perception. I just was...that, of feeling alright, for the first time in I don't know how long.
That's not to say that over this past year there weren't mornings I woke up giddy over this or that. Or found myself happily walking down the street. Or loving ever minute of being with my friends. I have found myself happy and feeling alright multiple times over this year.
This morning I woke up feeling satisfied. Like I can do anything.
The world is in front of me. I am a year older and hopefully wiser. I have learned from all of my teachers, the world, around me. I believe I am ready to re-start out on my path. This is both scary and exciting. Part of me wants to crawl back under the covers and just relish that feeling of satisfaction. But, I know the feeling will pass. So, I just have to keep on going, like I have been, and see what this new year will bring.
This feeling of satsifaction? I hope it lasts.
Never Stop Rocking....
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Happy Birthday to .......
My dad.
Today would have been his 66Th birthday.
I had been contemplating when to take down the memorial on my web page - has it been up there long enough or has my page become more about death and my father? This will be the last day that it stays at the top of my page. Tomorrow, it will move. I was going to take the whole thing off, but my dad was such a part of my life and made me who I am, that he deserves a spot on my blog.
And, I am not saying that in a few days, weeks or months, you won't be getting another "dad" story or memory. I feel that this is one process I can blog about without hurting feelings or others. And, it's a part of every one's life - everyone will go through this, the act of loosing a parent.
So, today is kind of a rough day. It really hit me last night. I don't know if this has happened to you, but I have had a tendency in my life, that after someone has died, forgetting they are gone. You go through the motions, the funeral, the grieving all of that, then you go on with your life. Then one day, you are talking with someone and blurt out, I should get that for or I should tell "insert dead loved one here". Last night was one of those moments. Where I got excited for a second that tomorrow was my dad's birthday. Then, almost instantly, my mood swung to the other side.
I then began to remember those years when I was super busy (even more than I am now) and would suddenly realize that my father's birthday was a day or two away. And, running out to get a birthday gift or card, knowing it would be getting to him late. But, also knowing that a call to him would be his ideal gift. He would say, "You don't (or didn't) have to get me anything, kiddo. Just talking to you is a gift enough." There may have been one or two days over my ... years, where I suddenly realized at midnight or the next day that I had missed my dad's birthday. I would run to the phone or, now, yank it out of my pocket and call him immediately. In those situations he would just say don't worry about it. "I'm too old for birthday's anyway."
Here's to you pops. Happy Birthday.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In other news, some of you have been asking about the smoking cut down. I smoked my one during the day and only had 2 at home last night. That's right - only 3 in one day. And, by the by, it is weird that I am proud of such a fact, seeing that a few years ago, I could go 3 or 4 days without having none. Oh well! Oh and the rule for March is: only 1 during working hours. I can have up to 2 if I am just at home. 5 if I am going out. And, for theatre work - as many as I like, which has been about 3 or 4, depending on the night. Weekends is still smoke if you got em'.
(And by the way - Thank you dear readers - checked out my readership the other day and it has almost tripled - thanks for passing my link, adding it or what have you. It's so nice to know there are more than 5 people reading this. :) )
Today would have been his 66Th birthday.
I had been contemplating when to take down the memorial on my web page - has it been up there long enough or has my page become more about death and my father? This will be the last day that it stays at the top of my page. Tomorrow, it will move. I was going to take the whole thing off, but my dad was such a part of my life and made me who I am, that he deserves a spot on my blog.
And, I am not saying that in a few days, weeks or months, you won't be getting another "dad" story or memory. I feel that this is one process I can blog about without hurting feelings or others. And, it's a part of every one's life - everyone will go through this, the act of loosing a parent.
So, today is kind of a rough day. It really hit me last night. I don't know if this has happened to you, but I have had a tendency in my life, that after someone has died, forgetting they are gone. You go through the motions, the funeral, the grieving all of that, then you go on with your life. Then one day, you are talking with someone and blurt out, I should get that for or I should tell "insert dead loved one here". Last night was one of those moments. Where I got excited for a second that tomorrow was my dad's birthday. Then, almost instantly, my mood swung to the other side.
I then began to remember those years when I was super busy (even more than I am now) and would suddenly realize that my father's birthday was a day or two away. And, running out to get a birthday gift or card, knowing it would be getting to him late. But, also knowing that a call to him would be his ideal gift. He would say, "You don't (or didn't) have to get me anything, kiddo. Just talking to you is a gift enough." There may have been one or two days over my ... years, where I suddenly realized at midnight or the next day that I had missed my dad's birthday. I would run to the phone or, now, yank it out of my pocket and call him immediately. In those situations he would just say don't worry about it. "I'm too old for birthday's anyway."
Here's to you pops. Happy Birthday.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In other news, some of you have been asking about the smoking cut down. I smoked my one during the day and only had 2 at home last night. That's right - only 3 in one day. And, by the by, it is weird that I am proud of such a fact, seeing that a few years ago, I could go 3 or 4 days without having none. Oh well! Oh and the rule for March is: only 1 during working hours. I can have up to 2 if I am just at home. 5 if I am going out. And, for theatre work - as many as I like, which has been about 3 or 4, depending on the night. Weekends is still smoke if you got em'.
(And by the way - Thank you dear readers - checked out my readership the other day and it has almost tripled - thanks for passing my link, adding it or what have you. It's so nice to know there are more than 5 people reading this. :) )
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Ghost in the Machine?
I got my father's Ipod after he passed away. My mother already had one and didn't need another one. This is the second time I have gotten an Ipod I did not want, nor ask for, just given to me. I'm not real jazzed about the circumstances on this gift, but it is a gift none the less.
I've listened to what he had on his Ipod. Some music I believe came with the Ipod, but mostly he had audio books. He had gotten his Ipod for his last birthday in March, so he didn't have a lot of time to use it. However, I really believe he got it so that he could listen to the audio books on trips. He used to listen to books on tape while driving. I have no clue how he stayed awake. I tired to listen to the "Two Towers", which is a great audio book - John Dale narrating - but after about 5 minutes I was fast asleep as if I were a child being read a bed time story.
I recently figured out how to get all my dad's music and audio books off his Ipod, onto my ITunes and all my stuff on to his Ipod. It was a simple confusion of "import" meaning importing to my computer, not importing new stuff onto the Ipod (thank you to the person who gave me the heads up on that). It is so nice to have all my stuff on one Ipod. And, quite exciting.
So, after doing all that, I took it out for a test spin. And, decided to write down what the first three songs were. As, I am one of those people that believe things happen in threes/meaning in threes, etc. Now, anyone can put meaning into anything. And, maybe I did this here, but the first 3 songs that came from my once father's Ipods spoke to me, some a little more than others. I listed them below in order and put the lyrics as well.
1. "39" By Queen. Which has come to be one of my favorite songs now. After I listened to the 3 songs and some others, I went back and listened to the this song over and over again - and you could say, found religion or my spirit was moved, take your pick. (When I am a little down, I listen to this song now.) The song has a definite "dad" feeling for me. It speaks to his toughness. It speaks to his sense of duty and perseverance. It has that bit of a dirge/country feel. (On my level, it spoke to the lil' pirate in me.) And, this verse, do I need to explain: "Don't you hear my call, Though you're many years away, Don't you hear me calling you, Write your letters in the sand, For the day I'll take your hand, In the land that our grand-children knew". And, then the last line: "For my life, still ahead, pity me." Maybe I'm stretching here.
In the year of thirty-nine
Assembled here the volunteers
In the days when lands were few
Here the ship sailed out into the blue and sunny morn
The sweetest sight ever seen
And the night followed day
And the story tellers say
That the score brave souls inside
For many a lonely day
Sailed across the milky seas
Ne'er looked back never feared never cried
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
In the year of thirty-nine
Came a ship in from the blue
The volunteers came home that day
And they bring good news
Of a world so newly born
Though their hearts so heavily weigh
For the earth is old and grey
little darlin' we'll away
But my love this cannot be
Oh so many years have gone
Though i'm older but a year
Your mother's eyes from your eyes cry to me
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
All your letters in the sand
Cannot heal me like your hand
For my life, still ahead, pity me.
2. "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. The first sentence I ever said was "It's a sunny day." My parents told me I would get up in the morning, run to window, pull open the curtains and say "It's a sunny day." Even if it was raining outside or cloudy and not a bit of sun in the sky, I would say it. They don't know where I picked this up. When this song came on next, I almost cried.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
It's all right.
It's all right.
3. "Lucky" - Second Hand Jive. This was a song from my dad's Ipod. It has a country feel, so even if it didn't come with the Ipod, I am sure that he liked it, being a good ole country boy and all. My father, every time he did something for me, he said he was "making an investment". And, that he knew that investment was a good one and a chance he would take anytime. That's what I got out of this. There are a couple of lines that of course were not a part of this thinking - the wine and the stoned ones. OK - those were a little weird.
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is what to do with all of your charms.
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I had the lovin' you show
Well I place my bet no matter the line
Well I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me home
Yeah with lucky near I can't go wrong
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is all the love you've given so far
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I've had a taste of your wine.
Yeah Well I place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
No I can't
Come on lucky
Listen
I'll place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
So, you tell me. How much am I reading into this and how much could be my father speaking from the beyond?
I've listened to what he had on his Ipod. Some music I believe came with the Ipod, but mostly he had audio books. He had gotten his Ipod for his last birthday in March, so he didn't have a lot of time to use it. However, I really believe he got it so that he could listen to the audio books on trips. He used to listen to books on tape while driving. I have no clue how he stayed awake. I tired to listen to the "Two Towers", which is a great audio book - John Dale narrating - but after about 5 minutes I was fast asleep as if I were a child being read a bed time story.
I recently figured out how to get all my dad's music and audio books off his Ipod, onto my ITunes and all my stuff on to his Ipod. It was a simple confusion of "import" meaning importing to my computer, not importing new stuff onto the Ipod (thank you to the person who gave me the heads up on that). It is so nice to have all my stuff on one Ipod. And, quite exciting.
So, after doing all that, I took it out for a test spin. And, decided to write down what the first three songs were. As, I am one of those people that believe things happen in threes/meaning in threes, etc. Now, anyone can put meaning into anything. And, maybe I did this here, but the first 3 songs that came from my once father's Ipods spoke to me, some a little more than others. I listed them below in order and put the lyrics as well.
1. "39" By Queen. Which has come to be one of my favorite songs now. After I listened to the 3 songs and some others, I went back and listened to the this song over and over again - and you could say, found religion or my spirit was moved, take your pick. (When I am a little down, I listen to this song now.) The song has a definite "dad" feeling for me. It speaks to his toughness. It speaks to his sense of duty and perseverance. It has that bit of a dirge/country feel. (On my level, it spoke to the lil' pirate in me.) And, this verse, do I need to explain: "Don't you hear my call, Though you're many years away, Don't you hear me calling you, Write your letters in the sand, For the day I'll take your hand, In the land that our grand-children knew". And, then the last line: "For my life, still ahead, pity me." Maybe I'm stretching here.
In the year of thirty-nine
Assembled here the volunteers
In the days when lands were few
Here the ship sailed out into the blue and sunny morn
The sweetest sight ever seen
And the night followed day
And the story tellers say
That the score brave souls inside
For many a lonely day
Sailed across the milky seas
Ne'er looked back never feared never cried
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
In the year of thirty-nine
Came a ship in from the blue
The volunteers came home that day
And they bring good news
Of a world so newly born
Though their hearts so heavily weigh
For the earth is old and grey
little darlin' we'll away
But my love this cannot be
Oh so many years have gone
Though i'm older but a year
Your mother's eyes from your eyes cry to me
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
All your letters in the sand
Cannot heal me like your hand
For my life, still ahead, pity me.
2. "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. The first sentence I ever said was "It's a sunny day." My parents told me I would get up in the morning, run to window, pull open the curtains and say "It's a sunny day." Even if it was raining outside or cloudy and not a bit of sun in the sky, I would say it. They don't know where I picked this up. When this song came on next, I almost cried.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
It's all right.
It's all right.
3. "Lucky" - Second Hand Jive. This was a song from my dad's Ipod. It has a country feel, so even if it didn't come with the Ipod, I am sure that he liked it, being a good ole country boy and all. My father, every time he did something for me, he said he was "making an investment". And, that he knew that investment was a good one and a chance he would take anytime. That's what I got out of this. There are a couple of lines that of course were not a part of this thinking - the wine and the stoned ones. OK - those were a little weird.
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is what to do with all of your charms.
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I had the lovin' you show
Well I place my bet no matter the line
Well I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me home
Yeah with lucky near I can't go wrong
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is all the love you've given so far
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I've had a taste of your wine.
Yeah Well I place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
No I can't
Come on lucky
Listen
I'll place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
So, you tell me. How much am I reading into this and how much could be my father speaking from the beyond?
Monday, February 25, 2008
My Eyes Are Dry....
I have other things I am about to post, but as I am writing, I am squinting. Then blinking. Rubbing my eyes. Drinking water. A little better. Then squinting. And, repeat.
Winter and working in an office is drying out my eyes. Could also be the fact that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.
That could be because I have been having to buy water to get water bottles to put my water in. And, after a week or so of uses, you can tell that the plastic is starting to carrying around some bacteria perhaps. Or just general ickyness.
I've been having to buy water to get the water bottles because I lost my Nalgene. I realized today that I have bought a total of 3 Nalgenes in the past 8 years or so. They're great bottles. I have even dropped one down a path of a mountain, came back for it later and found that it was just scratched. All my Nalgenes I have had to replace, I have lost.
Oh wait, what's this? A package.
I got my 2 new Nalgenes. Yay!
I wonder if this will help my eyes?
Non-sequitor lady signing off.
Winter and working in an office is drying out my eyes. Could also be the fact that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.
That could be because I have been having to buy water to get water bottles to put my water in. And, after a week or so of uses, you can tell that the plastic is starting to carrying around some bacteria perhaps. Or just general ickyness.
I've been having to buy water to get the water bottles because I lost my Nalgene. I realized today that I have bought a total of 3 Nalgenes in the past 8 years or so. They're great bottles. I have even dropped one down a path of a mountain, came back for it later and found that it was just scratched. All my Nalgenes I have had to replace, I have lost.
Oh wait, what's this? A package.
I got my 2 new Nalgenes. Yay!
I wonder if this will help my eyes?
Non-sequitor lady signing off.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Shamless Plug #???? - Nosedive's Boxcar Social
In an effort to raise funds for our Spring production of James Comtois' Colorful World, Nosedive is throwing a fundraiser at the Battle Ranch in Williamsburg this weekend.
Featuring The Amazing Amazini, the poetry stylings of Brian Silliman, some new video sketches by our own tribe of sick little monkeys, a raffle featuring: Some of Nosedive's DVD Collection and tickets to Vampire Cowboy's Fight Girl, Battle World - and every one's favorite BEER!
So come on down to the Battle Ranch on Saturday, win some stuff, enjoy some eclectic entertainment, drink yourself silly and help us put on a show!
Nosedive's Boxcar Social
at The Vampire Cowboy's Battle Ranch
111 Conselyea Street, 2L (Williamsburg, Brooklyn) Saturday, February 16th, 7pm-11pm.
$5 Cover, $2 beers, and $1 Jello Shots
Sponsored by Brooklyn Brewery
If you can't make it Saturday night, you can always give a little back by going here. We would really appreciate it!
https://www.fracturedatlas.org/site/contribute/donate/188
Featuring The Amazing Amazini, the poetry stylings of Brian Silliman, some new video sketches by our own tribe of sick little monkeys, a raffle featuring: Some of Nosedive's DVD Collection and tickets to Vampire Cowboy's Fight Girl, Battle World - and every one's favorite BEER!
So come on down to the Battle Ranch on Saturday, win some stuff, enjoy some eclectic entertainment, drink yourself silly and help us put on a show!
at The Vampire Cowboy's Battle Ranch
111 Conselyea Street, 2L (Williamsburg, Brooklyn) Saturday, February 16th, 7pm-11pm.
$5 Cover, $2 beers, and $1 Jello Shots
Sponsored by Brooklyn Brewery
If you can't make it Saturday night, you can always give a little back by going here. We would really appreciate it!
https://www.fracturedatlas.org/site/contribute/donate/188
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Part Deux - The Act of Slowing Down.....
My Smoking.
Part 2 - Developing my smoking and how the hell is Stephanie going to cut down.
So, over the course of that year, I cut down and when I got to NY, I swore I would only have a cigarette once a week - if even that. And, I did very well on that. Not even really smoking for months on end. Ever so often there were a few weeks where I would smoke more. A lot of the AMDA kids did smoke and since you could still smoke in bars back then, I did smoke more some nights than others.
Then, AMDA was over; I quit smoking for almost 2 years when...
I joined a band as a back-up singer. My thinking was - well, the lead singer, she won't smoke. Oh, I was so wrong. She smoked. She smoked a lot. A couple of her band mates smoked. So, the more we rehearsed and the more we performed, the more I began to smoke again. However, when I had more than 4 or 5 cigarettes in one night, I got the cigarette hangover the next day. Some of you might know what this is. It is a headache and feels like your brain is drying up. You can almost hear it crinkle. I hated that, so that kept my smoking down some.
Then, one of band mates introduced me to American Spirits. That changed everything.
They weren't the best tasting at first, but I soon came around to them. And, what do you know - no cigarette hangover the next day. So, I kept up to about a pack a month, or every 2 weeks, depending on what was going on. Bands came and went and so did my smoking.
Then, I joined Nosedive Productions.
And, the smoking has not gone down since. I've quit for a week here or there, but once a production comes up - I am smoking right along side them. But, it is not just them. I have done other productions with other theatre groups and I still smoke. And, there was the whole Master's Degree. Yeah, good time to quit. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
So, after that ball of twine, my knitted sweater above of my life and cigarettes, here is the real point - I am trying to cut down, if not quit all together. And, this is all for health reasons and money. I know I will feel better when I wake up. I know my voice will be better for singing. I know I will have a little more money during the week. These are all things that I know.
But, I do love a good cigarette ever so often.
How am I doing it? First off, as I have learned, going cold turkey does not work. Not that I can't do it, because I have many times. I just get really sick. Bronchitis, pneumonia, you name it. If I quit tomorrow, I would be coughing and wheezing 72 hours. Which, I just always find ironic. When I quit, this is when I get the smoker's cough.
So, I have started by watching how much I smoke during the day. I was at 3 a day in January. Now I am at 2 a day come February. I am hoping to get back to not smoking during the day. Granted, I will still take my "non" smoke breaks, just not smoke. A friend of mine did this. I thought he was a smoker for a year cause he would always go down with the smokers on breaks, but found out he used to smoke, but quit. He went down with the smokers because why should he give up that "break" time.
I have given myself a few more options when the sun comes down. If I go straight home, I can have 2 total. I have to pick when my two will be. I started doing it on my way home from the train, but then had only one for the rest of the night. So, I now listen to my ipod or call someone on my way home from the train. Then March, it will only be one. Then April - no more at home.
Party or going out. I can have as many as I want until March. Then I will start pairing down much like above - probably starting with 5 in the night, then 4, and so on.
However, one part of my life will not change - the Theatre Production. Smoking is definitely part of my creative process/stress reducer, you name it. Like alcohol and cigarettes. Same with theatre. It is technically where I started and along with it being a gift from my grandma, it becomes a little more sacred. Or at least that is my reasoning. And, with theater, there will be a break in rehearsal, before performance, where I will go downstairs (cause rehearsal or performance spaces, there are always stairs), collect my thoughts and smoke a cigarette. It is my meditation in that world.
So, I don't plan on quitting completely. I just can't see myself doing that. This is kind of funny because when I was younger, I never saw myself smoking. So, smokes if you got em'. Cause there is nothing quite like taking a drag off of "the little death".
Part 2 - Developing my smoking and how the hell is Stephanie going to cut down.
So, over the course of that year, I cut down and when I got to NY, I swore I would only have a cigarette once a week - if even that. And, I did very well on that. Not even really smoking for months on end. Ever so often there were a few weeks where I would smoke more. A lot of the AMDA kids did smoke and since you could still smoke in bars back then, I did smoke more some nights than others.
Then, AMDA was over; I quit smoking for almost 2 years when...
I joined a band as a back-up singer. My thinking was - well, the lead singer, she won't smoke. Oh, I was so wrong. She smoked. She smoked a lot. A couple of her band mates smoked. So, the more we rehearsed and the more we performed, the more I began to smoke again. However, when I had more than 4 or 5 cigarettes in one night, I got the cigarette hangover the next day. Some of you might know what this is. It is a headache and feels like your brain is drying up. You can almost hear it crinkle. I hated that, so that kept my smoking down some.
Then, one of band mates introduced me to American Spirits. That changed everything.
They weren't the best tasting at first, but I soon came around to them. And, what do you know - no cigarette hangover the next day. So, I kept up to about a pack a month, or every 2 weeks, depending on what was going on. Bands came and went and so did my smoking.
Then, I joined Nosedive Productions.
And, the smoking has not gone down since. I've quit for a week here or there, but once a production comes up - I am smoking right along side them. But, it is not just them. I have done other productions with other theatre groups and I still smoke. And, there was the whole Master's Degree. Yeah, good time to quit. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
So, after that ball of twine, my knitted sweater above of my life and cigarettes, here is the real point - I am trying to cut down, if not quit all together. And, this is all for health reasons and money. I know I will feel better when I wake up. I know my voice will be better for singing. I know I will have a little more money during the week. These are all things that I know.
But, I do love a good cigarette ever so often.
How am I doing it? First off, as I have learned, going cold turkey does not work. Not that I can't do it, because I have many times. I just get really sick. Bronchitis, pneumonia, you name it. If I quit tomorrow, I would be coughing and wheezing 72 hours. Which, I just always find ironic. When I quit, this is when I get the smoker's cough.
So, I have started by watching how much I smoke during the day. I was at 3 a day in January. Now I am at 2 a day come February. I am hoping to get back to not smoking during the day. Granted, I will still take my "non" smoke breaks, just not smoke. A friend of mine did this. I thought he was a smoker for a year cause he would always go down with the smokers on breaks, but found out he used to smoke, but quit. He went down with the smokers because why should he give up that "break" time.
I have given myself a few more options when the sun comes down. If I go straight home, I can have 2 total. I have to pick when my two will be. I started doing it on my way home from the train, but then had only one for the rest of the night. So, I now listen to my ipod or call someone on my way home from the train. Then March, it will only be one. Then April - no more at home.
Party or going out. I can have as many as I want until March. Then I will start pairing down much like above - probably starting with 5 in the night, then 4, and so on.
However, one part of my life will not change - the Theatre Production. Smoking is definitely part of my creative process/stress reducer, you name it. Like alcohol and cigarettes. Same with theatre. It is technically where I started and along with it being a gift from my grandma, it becomes a little more sacred. Or at least that is my reasoning. And, with theater, there will be a break in rehearsal, before performance, where I will go downstairs (cause rehearsal or performance spaces, there are always stairs), collect my thoughts and smoke a cigarette. It is my meditation in that world.
So, I don't plan on quitting completely. I just can't see myself doing that. This is kind of funny because when I was younger, I never saw myself smoking. So, smokes if you got em'. Cause there is nothing quite like taking a drag off of "the little death".
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