Midnight tonight.
I will have gone one week without smoking. I was even around a BBQ with all sorts of smokers and things smoking, and smoking, smoking, smoking. And yet, AND YET!
Not a toke. Not a pull. Not a puff.
It helps to have been extremely sick, have feverish hallucinations and not be able to swallow without intense pain for 48 hours. Then, get a hacking cough (that is still with me) 2 days later. It's not that bad - just sounds like I am dying ever 3 hours or so.
But, I digress - a week folks!
Another part of that reason is the price of cigarettes. I went to buy a pack on Tuesday, pulled out my regular $8 for the $7.25 to $7.75 pack and was told I needed another dollar - It's $9 now. That was it, I'm done. I knew they would get me in the pocketbook eventually.
They win! I'm going to try and cut it WAY down.
Here's the new plan folks:
I can smoke once a week. One day. That's it.
During productions: I can smoke one week before Tech, Tech week and Show nights.
Have I found any benefits you might ask? Well, the only one so far is I am not as tired as I was in the morning and well, all day and for all the sickness, my singing voice is hitting some notes I couldn't hit when I was well.
And, until I am fully well, probably still will sound like I am coughing up a lung from time to time. But, this to will pass.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
Since May? I am so sorry!
I have not posted since May? Since May? Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. Sorry to myself and to my readers. I haven't been feeling really "posty" lately. Still recouping from the big run of Colorful World. But, I am going on vaca very soon and hopefully might do some interesting writing from the Southwest. We'll see.
But, for today, saw this and wanted to post. My Hexagram for the day. I am pretty sure everyone gets the same - although, I could be wrong. This could be my own personal one. Regardless, something is singing in this for me. Not sure what I need to take from it or exactly how to apply, but once I was reading, I got a little twinkle in my belly. Ah, intuition. Here you go:
59: Dispersing
Monday, June 9th, 2008
General Meaning: Nothing survives forever, not even rocks, not even the most rigid of structures. The erosion of that which has been solid is not necessarily bad: it can mean that something new is being created. The image is of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges.
Rigidity in the hearts of men tends to breed a separateness which can only be thawed by a greater force: typically, some strong spiritual stirring. The thawing of cold hearts brings good fortune.
The first thing to dissolve is any internal rigidity which separates you from others. Try to work more closely with others, concentrating on common activities which evidence your integrity and native goodwill. Sudden, strong action in support of a greater good can lift the spirit, and lead toward new possibilities in many areas. Spiritual impulses - including righteous indignation and a strong sense of justice - should be honored, and acted upon. They can provide the initial impulse to important and constructive change.
And if you should have any lingering business or other partnerships which are inactive or not working, you might consider dissolving these as well.
But, for today, saw this and wanted to post. My Hexagram for the day. I am pretty sure everyone gets the same - although, I could be wrong. This could be my own personal one. Regardless, something is singing in this for me. Not sure what I need to take from it or exactly how to apply, but once I was reading, I got a little twinkle in my belly. Ah, intuition. Here you go:
59: Dispersing
Monday, June 9th, 2008
General Meaning: Nothing survives forever, not even rocks, not even the most rigid of structures. The erosion of that which has been solid is not necessarily bad: it can mean that something new is being created. The image is of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges.
Rigidity in the hearts of men tends to breed a separateness which can only be thawed by a greater force: typically, some strong spiritual stirring. The thawing of cold hearts brings good fortune.
The first thing to dissolve is any internal rigidity which separates you from others. Try to work more closely with others, concentrating on common activities which evidence your integrity and native goodwill. Sudden, strong action in support of a greater good can lift the spirit, and lead toward new possibilities in many areas. Spiritual impulses - including righteous indignation and a strong sense of justice - should be honored, and acted upon. They can provide the initial impulse to important and constructive change.
And if you should have any lingering business or other partnerships which are inactive or not working, you might consider dissolving these as well.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Status Report
Show is open. Tech week is over. I have gotten some amount of sleep. People keep saying I look tired.
I weighed myself and doesn't seem to be that I gained any weight. However, I am much more flabby than before. Must keep up with the working out and getting in better shape. Went to the gym today.
I smoked A LOT during Tech week. However, today, just one so far. Back to the cut down.
With that said, please come to our show. It's really quite spectacular.
Colorful World
A new play by James Comtois
featuring
Zack Calhoon* — Abe Goldfarb* — Jessi Gotta
Marc Landers — Mac Rogers — Patrick Shearer
Ben VandenBoom — Christopher Yustin
*Denotes member of the Actors Equity Association
Directed by Pete Boisvert
The 78th Street Theatre Lab, 236 West 78th St., 2nd Floor
May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31
Thursday through Saturday, 8 p.m.
Tickets available at TheatreMania.
In 1988, the world discovered a man who was indestructible, impervious to pain, and able to destroy a tank with his mind.
In the early- to mid-nineties, a craze where vigilantes dressed up in flashy costumes and fought crime took the nation by storm.
Now it's 2005. The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center are still standing. Hurricane Katrina has decimated New Orleans. The Iraq War is coming to a close. And several former costumed crimefighters realize their marks on the world are more akin to those of has-been rock stars.
This is Colorful World, Nosedive Productions' latest full-length production that takes on the superhero genre. Far from a pulpy comic book-style romp, James Comtois and Pete Boisvert (The Adventures of Nervous-Boy) envision a world radically changed by the arrival of an invincible man, and not necessarily for the better.
Colorful World will be performed at the 78th Street Theatre Lab (236 West 78th St. at Broadway) May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31 (Thursday through Saturday). All shows are at 8 p.m. and tickets are $18. Subway: 1 to 79th Street; A to 81st Street; or 1 2 or 3 to 72nd Street. Tickets available at TheatreMania.
I weighed myself and doesn't seem to be that I gained any weight. However, I am much more flabby than before. Must keep up with the working out and getting in better shape. Went to the gym today.
I smoked A LOT during Tech week. However, today, just one so far. Back to the cut down.
With that said, please come to our show. It's really quite spectacular.
Colorful World
A new play by James Comtois
featuring
Zack Calhoon* — Abe Goldfarb* — Jessi Gotta
Marc Landers — Mac Rogers — Patrick Shearer
Ben VandenBoom — Christopher Yustin
*Denotes member of the Actors Equity Association
Directed by Pete Boisvert
The 78th Street Theatre Lab, 236 West 78th St., 2nd Floor
May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31
Thursday through Saturday, 8 p.m.
Tickets available at TheatreMania.
In 1988, the world discovered a man who was indestructible, impervious to pain, and able to destroy a tank with his mind.
In the early- to mid-nineties, a craze where vigilantes dressed up in flashy costumes and fought crime took the nation by storm.
Now it's 2005. The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center are still standing. Hurricane Katrina has decimated New Orleans. The Iraq War is coming to a close. And several former costumed crimefighters realize their marks on the world are more akin to those of has-been rock stars.
This is Colorful World, Nosedive Productions' latest full-length production that takes on the superhero genre. Far from a pulpy comic book-style romp, James Comtois and Pete Boisvert (The Adventures of Nervous-Boy) envision a world radically changed by the arrival of an invincible man, and not necessarily for the better.
Colorful World will be performed at the 78th Street Theatre Lab (236 West 78th St. at Broadway) May 8-10, 15-17, 22-24, 29-31 (Thursday through Saturday). All shows are at 8 p.m. and tickets are $18. Subway: 1 to 79th Street; A to 81st Street; or 1 2 or 3 to 72nd Street. Tickets available at TheatreMania.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Show Good, Fire Bad
The fear of all that is holy and non-holy came rushing through me Monday night as I was trying to drift off to sleep. And, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't sleep. One thing after another came through my head regarding the upcoming Nosedive show. All the things that needed to get done, all the things that I was responsible for, all the things I wasn't responsible for, but needed to keep an eye on. And, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't sleep.
I don't know when I got to bed that night, but when I did wake, didn't feel like I slept at all.
And the fear was, one of the things I realized, in essence, for Colorful World, I am Stage Manager, Tech Director, Assistant Set Designer and all things props. (I had some people lined up to help out, as per usual. However, this time around, everyone got busy or was moving, etc., etc.) I am no stranger to responsibility. But, this much, overwhelmed me for a few.
Then, I took sometime and got my crap together.
I really thought, being out of grad school, only working a 9 to 5 job, I could do this, I have plenty of time. I can take on another show with another company in between all my shows and still get things done. Yeah, I may have over estimated how much time I had time.
I now feel like I could use one more week.
But, don't we all feel that way? Even when doing any large project? Just one more week? Come on. Really? That's all I'm asking here.
And, the funny thing is, we always get things done and the finished product is much better than we could ever dream. That's what I'm hoping for here.
However, the last show I remember being this worked up about was The Adventures of Nervous Boy. And, that turned out amazing. Better than amazing. Phenomenal.
The real reason I opened up my blog today was because of my Iching reading I got for the day. From what I was just feeling, this really seemed to hit home.
So, to all my readers, there may not be that much posting over the next few. Except for promotional.
(You should come see my show. I am working really hard on it. http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/142889)
My Iching Reading for Today
51 Shock
General Meaning: One hears thunder unexpectedly! First comes fear, then a sharpened, clearer vision. Recall a close brush with danger - a falling branch, an automobile accident barely avoided, an escape from a potentially violent confrontation. Such incidents first arouse every nerve fiber in your body in a brief wave of terror, but soon, once the danger has passed, give way to a heightened awareness of the world. The same process also occurs with other types of shock - the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, business failure and so on.
The lasting impact of a major shock can either be stimulating or debilitating, depending upon one's inner strength of character. The critical factor is the ability to become immune to fear, thereby transforming anxiety into a laser-sharp perception of the world around you.
When overtaken by crisis, the wise search their hearts for inner strengths, in order to face the world with courage. Courage often means daring to take the unexpected path - to bounce back quickly and self-confidently after failure, to have faith in the eternal when confronted with death.
We tend to think of shock only in the context of unpleasant events. We can also be jarred, however, by the sudden release of tension which comes with unexpected success. To keep your bearings in the aftershock of either trauma or victory, it is essential that your inner compass be aligned with "true north", that magnetic force which guides you toward fulfillment of both your deepest desire, and your highest destiny.
I don't know when I got to bed that night, but when I did wake, didn't feel like I slept at all.
And the fear was, one of the things I realized, in essence, for Colorful World, I am Stage Manager, Tech Director, Assistant Set Designer and all things props. (I had some people lined up to help out, as per usual. However, this time around, everyone got busy or was moving, etc., etc.) I am no stranger to responsibility. But, this much, overwhelmed me for a few.
Then, I took sometime and got my crap together.
I really thought, being out of grad school, only working a 9 to 5 job, I could do this, I have plenty of time. I can take on another show with another company in between all my shows and still get things done. Yeah, I may have over estimated how much time I had time.
I now feel like I could use one more week.
But, don't we all feel that way? Even when doing any large project? Just one more week? Come on. Really? That's all I'm asking here.
And, the funny thing is, we always get things done and the finished product is much better than we could ever dream. That's what I'm hoping for here.
However, the last show I remember being this worked up about was The Adventures of Nervous Boy. And, that turned out amazing. Better than amazing. Phenomenal.
The real reason I opened up my blog today was because of my Iching reading I got for the day. From what I was just feeling, this really seemed to hit home.
So, to all my readers, there may not be that much posting over the next few. Except for promotional.
(You should come see my show. I am working really hard on it. http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/142889)
My Iching Reading for Today
51 Shock
General Meaning: One hears thunder unexpectedly! First comes fear, then a sharpened, clearer vision. Recall a close brush with danger - a falling branch, an automobile accident barely avoided, an escape from a potentially violent confrontation. Such incidents first arouse every nerve fiber in your body in a brief wave of terror, but soon, once the danger has passed, give way to a heightened awareness of the world. The same process also occurs with other types of shock - the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, business failure and so on.
The lasting impact of a major shock can either be stimulating or debilitating, depending upon one's inner strength of character. The critical factor is the ability to become immune to fear, thereby transforming anxiety into a laser-sharp perception of the world around you.
When overtaken by crisis, the wise search their hearts for inner strengths, in order to face the world with courage. Courage often means daring to take the unexpected path - to bounce back quickly and self-confidently after failure, to have faith in the eternal when confronted with death.
We tend to think of shock only in the context of unpleasant events. We can also be jarred, however, by the sudden release of tension which comes with unexpected success. To keep your bearings in the aftershock of either trauma or victory, it is essential that your inner compass be aligned with "true north", that magnetic force which guides you toward fulfillment of both your deepest desire, and your highest destiny.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Busy, busy, busy...
I got a little swamped and side tracked these past couple of weeks - hence no posting. Busy.
How many times have some of you heard that come out of my mouth? I am beginning to think it as more of a mantra I repeat than an actual state of being. I mean, I am out of grad school. I work a 9 to 5 job. I socialize from time to time. What the heck I am so busy at?
Making theatre.
OK, well, come on. You also probably knew that. But, I got to talking to some folks a couple of weeks ago and again, the "busy" word came up. And, one person asked me - have you had a break? To this, I pondered and began to say- well of course I...wait a minute.
I have been involved in shows since January of 2007.
Yes, I can say - well, I didn't do anything in May, but I was moving and my goodness, that was a production in itself. But, I realized, that out of all my goals - most of which have been going by the side of the road - I did accomplish that one. I have been doing theatre for over a straight year now. And, for a lot of it, I have been getting a stipend. So, paid work at that.
This is definitely where I say - be careful what you wish for.
I also feel that I have learned a lot in this year in the theatre world as well. And, on occasion, I have been called upon by peers in my different fields for suggestions, recommendations and knowledge that for some odd reason, I possess. I am starting to feel like the little engine that could. I am starting to see the top of the hill.
The only thing I wonder now is - what is over the top and will I enjoy the ride. Or am I just about to go out of control?
How many times have some of you heard that come out of my mouth? I am beginning to think it as more of a mantra I repeat than an actual state of being. I mean, I am out of grad school. I work a 9 to 5 job. I socialize from time to time. What the heck I am so busy at?
Making theatre.
OK, well, come on. You also probably knew that. But, I got to talking to some folks a couple of weeks ago and again, the "busy" word came up. And, one person asked me - have you had a break? To this, I pondered and began to say- well of course I...wait a minute.
I have been involved in shows since January of 2007.
Yes, I can say - well, I didn't do anything in May, but I was moving and my goodness, that was a production in itself. But, I realized, that out of all my goals - most of which have been going by the side of the road - I did accomplish that one. I have been doing theatre for over a straight year now. And, for a lot of it, I have been getting a stipend. So, paid work at that.
This is definitely where I say - be careful what you wish for.
I also feel that I have learned a lot in this year in the theatre world as well. And, on occasion, I have been called upon by peers in my different fields for suggestions, recommendations and knowledge that for some odd reason, I possess. I am starting to feel like the little engine that could. I am starting to see the top of the hill.
The only thing I wonder now is - what is over the top and will I enjoy the ride. Or am I just about to go out of control?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Ordinary World
Last night, I took a moment to myself to smoke a cigarette and got to look out over a portion of our fair city. Listen to the traffic below, see the lights on all the buildings, look at the people across the street in their apartments, hear the people talking to other people as they went on their way.
This reminded me of one of my first nights in New York City.
When I first moved here, I was only smoking one cigarette a week. I chose to take that one cigarette on the roof of my apartment building - my apartment being a 10X12 room. I lived off of 57th street and Lexington Ave. I was relieved when I first heard that I had roof access. From the cramped living quarters to the cramped everyday life of New York, it was nice to know I had a place where I could feel space.
I would go up to the roof and scan the whole city. It was gorgeous. All the lights and sounds. The first time I went up there it was a little overwhelming, the big city. But as I took it all in, the stars I missed were replaced with the lights and buildings I would grow to love.
I also began to remember all the times I would be walking home from seeing a show or going through Times Square or walking through Central Park on my way to school. I would ever so often stop for a second out of glee and think - my gosh, I live in New York City.
Last night, after remembering this, I tried to re-kindle that moment for this great city. But, it wasn't there. That awe of where I am. It has been replaced by a feeling of this is where I live. This is my home. This is normalcy.
Well, I have been here for over a decade.
But, I still wanted that feeling. It should still be there. I get excited walking home when I realize where I live and how much I love the neighborhood and all the things that encompass it. I decided that there had to be another reason for not feeling that "awe" than just the fact that I've been here for awhile. Then, it dawned on me. New York was my goal. I have attained it.
My dream was to live in New York - I am. To work in theatre - I am. To be able to make a living - I am (well sort of). I am doing everything I have set out to do.
I still didn't feel satisfied with my thoughts on all this. So, what did I do - I turned to my music.
Ordinary World by Duran Duran came on. At first listen I thought - exactly, right, I'm living in an ordinary world. What was once a place of excitement and newness was now just ordinary. Great. Well, what should I do now?
Then, I listened to the song again, and again, and again. Really paying close attention to the lyrics.
I love it when a song speaks to you. Or, you can insert your own feelings or life into it. Some would say speak - others insert - I like thinking it speaks to me. The lyrics reflected feelings, ideas, situations (in a very broad term) that had happened up to a year ago to things that had happened just recently. And, after my day - meditating, releasing here, reflecting there, the above moment, etc., I felt satisfied with my answer. And, felt that the day had come, full circle.
What I took from it? Time to dry my eyes from my past heartaches and start moving to solid ground. There are also things in the world around me that are much bigger than what is going on in my own head. I need to stop trying to regain some semblance of my past and start trying to find out who I am and what my life is now. I can't re-kindle that moment of the excitement of the city no more than I can bring back the life I once loved.
This has definitely been a true Spring Equinox/Easter for me. I can feel the warm in the air. Time to shake off the leaves.
Ordinary World Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all? Crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say:
'Pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me? Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
Just blown away
And I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world,
Every world is our world,
Every world
This reminded me of one of my first nights in New York City.
When I first moved here, I was only smoking one cigarette a week. I chose to take that one cigarette on the roof of my apartment building - my apartment being a 10X12 room. I lived off of 57th street and Lexington Ave. I was relieved when I first heard that I had roof access. From the cramped living quarters to the cramped everyday life of New York, it was nice to know I had a place where I could feel space.
I would go up to the roof and scan the whole city. It was gorgeous. All the lights and sounds. The first time I went up there it was a little overwhelming, the big city. But as I took it all in, the stars I missed were replaced with the lights and buildings I would grow to love.
I also began to remember all the times I would be walking home from seeing a show or going through Times Square or walking through Central Park on my way to school. I would ever so often stop for a second out of glee and think - my gosh, I live in New York City.
Last night, after remembering this, I tried to re-kindle that moment for this great city. But, it wasn't there. That awe of where I am. It has been replaced by a feeling of this is where I live. This is my home. This is normalcy.
Well, I have been here for over a decade.
But, I still wanted that feeling. It should still be there. I get excited walking home when I realize where I live and how much I love the neighborhood and all the things that encompass it. I decided that there had to be another reason for not feeling that "awe" than just the fact that I've been here for awhile. Then, it dawned on me. New York was my goal. I have attained it.
My dream was to live in New York - I am. To work in theatre - I am. To be able to make a living - I am (well sort of). I am doing everything I have set out to do.
I still didn't feel satisfied with my thoughts on all this. So, what did I do - I turned to my music.
Ordinary World by Duran Duran came on. At first listen I thought - exactly, right, I'm living in an ordinary world. What was once a place of excitement and newness was now just ordinary. Great. Well, what should I do now?
Then, I listened to the song again, and again, and again. Really paying close attention to the lyrics.
I love it when a song speaks to you. Or, you can insert your own feelings or life into it. Some would say speak - others insert - I like thinking it speaks to me. The lyrics reflected feelings, ideas, situations (in a very broad term) that had happened up to a year ago to things that had happened just recently. And, after my day - meditating, releasing here, reflecting there, the above moment, etc., I felt satisfied with my answer. And, felt that the day had come, full circle.
What I took from it? Time to dry my eyes from my past heartaches and start moving to solid ground. There are also things in the world around me that are much bigger than what is going on in my own head. I need to stop trying to regain some semblance of my past and start trying to find out who I am and what my life is now. I can't re-kindle that moment of the excitement of the city no more than I can bring back the life I once loved.
This has definitely been a true Spring Equinox/Easter for me. I can feel the warm in the air. Time to shake off the leaves.
Ordinary World Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all? Crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say:
'Pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me? Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
Just blown away
And I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world,
Every world is our world,
Every world
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Hey, I Put My New Shoes On...
I am a year older and hopefully I have been able to take last year's lessons and information to be able to say the proverbial - one year older and wiser.
I have been feeling like I have been a drift a vast ocean for so long. Or, like I've told some of my friends, being re-created from the burnt ashes of experience. My own Icarus Phoenix if you will(I should write about that sometime). But only now am I being able to stand fully upright and brushing off the soot.
I am one year older.
And, when being born, one is stripped from their mother's womb, the one warm, comforting place you knew for so many months and slapped on the back and then, at least in my day, placed on a cold metal scale. This is your welcome to the world - your birth. Of course, this would leave anyone a little cranky.
I was really cranky last week.
However, this morning I woke up, from underneath my warm blankets, feeling somewhat satisfied. Like everything would be OK. That everything was OK.
Was this from talking to my mom last night? Was this from starting auditions for Colorful World? Was this from having a populus of people saying Happy Birthday to me for three days straight (which by the way - thank you!)? Was it the Tarot card reading I got and the results of that? I don't know. And, it could be, that nothing above actually changed my perception. I just was...that, of feeling alright, for the first time in I don't know how long.
That's not to say that over this past year there weren't mornings I woke up giddy over this or that. Or found myself happily walking down the street. Or loving ever minute of being with my friends. I have found myself happy and feeling alright multiple times over this year.
This morning I woke up feeling satisfied. Like I can do anything.
The world is in front of me. I am a year older and hopefully wiser. I have learned from all of my teachers, the world, around me. I believe I am ready to re-start out on my path. This is both scary and exciting. Part of me wants to crawl back under the covers and just relish that feeling of satisfaction. But, I know the feeling will pass. So, I just have to keep on going, like I have been, and see what this new year will bring.
This feeling of satsifaction? I hope it lasts.
Never Stop Rocking....
I have been feeling like I have been a drift a vast ocean for so long. Or, like I've told some of my friends, being re-created from the burnt ashes of experience. My own Icarus Phoenix if you will(I should write about that sometime). But only now am I being able to stand fully upright and brushing off the soot.
I am one year older.
And, when being born, one is stripped from their mother's womb, the one warm, comforting place you knew for so many months and slapped on the back and then, at least in my day, placed on a cold metal scale. This is your welcome to the world - your birth. Of course, this would leave anyone a little cranky.
I was really cranky last week.
However, this morning I woke up, from underneath my warm blankets, feeling somewhat satisfied. Like everything would be OK. That everything was OK.
Was this from talking to my mom last night? Was this from starting auditions for Colorful World? Was this from having a populus of people saying Happy Birthday to me for three days straight (which by the way - thank you!)? Was it the Tarot card reading I got and the results of that? I don't know. And, it could be, that nothing above actually changed my perception. I just was...that, of feeling alright, for the first time in I don't know how long.
That's not to say that over this past year there weren't mornings I woke up giddy over this or that. Or found myself happily walking down the street. Or loving ever minute of being with my friends. I have found myself happy and feeling alright multiple times over this year.
This morning I woke up feeling satisfied. Like I can do anything.
The world is in front of me. I am a year older and hopefully wiser. I have learned from all of my teachers, the world, around me. I believe I am ready to re-start out on my path. This is both scary and exciting. Part of me wants to crawl back under the covers and just relish that feeling of satisfaction. But, I know the feeling will pass. So, I just have to keep on going, like I have been, and see what this new year will bring.
This feeling of satsifaction? I hope it lasts.
Never Stop Rocking....
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Happy Birthday to .......
My dad.
Today would have been his 66Th birthday.
I had been contemplating when to take down the memorial on my web page - has it been up there long enough or has my page become more about death and my father? This will be the last day that it stays at the top of my page. Tomorrow, it will move. I was going to take the whole thing off, but my dad was such a part of my life and made me who I am, that he deserves a spot on my blog.
And, I am not saying that in a few days, weeks or months, you won't be getting another "dad" story or memory. I feel that this is one process I can blog about without hurting feelings or others. And, it's a part of every one's life - everyone will go through this, the act of loosing a parent.
So, today is kind of a rough day. It really hit me last night. I don't know if this has happened to you, but I have had a tendency in my life, that after someone has died, forgetting they are gone. You go through the motions, the funeral, the grieving all of that, then you go on with your life. Then one day, you are talking with someone and blurt out, I should get that for or I should tell "insert dead loved one here". Last night was one of those moments. Where I got excited for a second that tomorrow was my dad's birthday. Then, almost instantly, my mood swung to the other side.
I then began to remember those years when I was super busy (even more than I am now) and would suddenly realize that my father's birthday was a day or two away. And, running out to get a birthday gift or card, knowing it would be getting to him late. But, also knowing that a call to him would be his ideal gift. He would say, "You don't (or didn't) have to get me anything, kiddo. Just talking to you is a gift enough." There may have been one or two days over my ... years, where I suddenly realized at midnight or the next day that I had missed my dad's birthday. I would run to the phone or, now, yank it out of my pocket and call him immediately. In those situations he would just say don't worry about it. "I'm too old for birthday's anyway."
Here's to you pops. Happy Birthday.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In other news, some of you have been asking about the smoking cut down. I smoked my one during the day and only had 2 at home last night. That's right - only 3 in one day. And, by the by, it is weird that I am proud of such a fact, seeing that a few years ago, I could go 3 or 4 days without having none. Oh well! Oh and the rule for March is: only 1 during working hours. I can have up to 2 if I am just at home. 5 if I am going out. And, for theatre work - as many as I like, which has been about 3 or 4, depending on the night. Weekends is still smoke if you got em'.
(And by the way - Thank you dear readers - checked out my readership the other day and it has almost tripled - thanks for passing my link, adding it or what have you. It's so nice to know there are more than 5 people reading this. :) )
Today would have been his 66Th birthday.
I had been contemplating when to take down the memorial on my web page - has it been up there long enough or has my page become more about death and my father? This will be the last day that it stays at the top of my page. Tomorrow, it will move. I was going to take the whole thing off, but my dad was such a part of my life and made me who I am, that he deserves a spot on my blog.
And, I am not saying that in a few days, weeks or months, you won't be getting another "dad" story or memory. I feel that this is one process I can blog about without hurting feelings or others. And, it's a part of every one's life - everyone will go through this, the act of loosing a parent.
So, today is kind of a rough day. It really hit me last night. I don't know if this has happened to you, but I have had a tendency in my life, that after someone has died, forgetting they are gone. You go through the motions, the funeral, the grieving all of that, then you go on with your life. Then one day, you are talking with someone and blurt out, I should get that for or I should tell "insert dead loved one here". Last night was one of those moments. Where I got excited for a second that tomorrow was my dad's birthday. Then, almost instantly, my mood swung to the other side.
I then began to remember those years when I was super busy (even more than I am now) and would suddenly realize that my father's birthday was a day or two away. And, running out to get a birthday gift or card, knowing it would be getting to him late. But, also knowing that a call to him would be his ideal gift. He would say, "You don't (or didn't) have to get me anything, kiddo. Just talking to you is a gift enough." There may have been one or two days over my ... years, where I suddenly realized at midnight or the next day that I had missed my dad's birthday. I would run to the phone or, now, yank it out of my pocket and call him immediately. In those situations he would just say don't worry about it. "I'm too old for birthday's anyway."
Here's to you pops. Happy Birthday.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In other news, some of you have been asking about the smoking cut down. I smoked my one during the day and only had 2 at home last night. That's right - only 3 in one day. And, by the by, it is weird that I am proud of such a fact, seeing that a few years ago, I could go 3 or 4 days without having none. Oh well! Oh and the rule for March is: only 1 during working hours. I can have up to 2 if I am just at home. 5 if I am going out. And, for theatre work - as many as I like, which has been about 3 or 4, depending on the night. Weekends is still smoke if you got em'.
(And by the way - Thank you dear readers - checked out my readership the other day and it has almost tripled - thanks for passing my link, adding it or what have you. It's so nice to know there are more than 5 people reading this. :) )
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Ghost in the Machine?
I got my father's Ipod after he passed away. My mother already had one and didn't need another one. This is the second time I have gotten an Ipod I did not want, nor ask for, just given to me. I'm not real jazzed about the circumstances on this gift, but it is a gift none the less.
I've listened to what he had on his Ipod. Some music I believe came with the Ipod, but mostly he had audio books. He had gotten his Ipod for his last birthday in March, so he didn't have a lot of time to use it. However, I really believe he got it so that he could listen to the audio books on trips. He used to listen to books on tape while driving. I have no clue how he stayed awake. I tired to listen to the "Two Towers", which is a great audio book - John Dale narrating - but after about 5 minutes I was fast asleep as if I were a child being read a bed time story.
I recently figured out how to get all my dad's music and audio books off his Ipod, onto my ITunes and all my stuff on to his Ipod. It was a simple confusion of "import" meaning importing to my computer, not importing new stuff onto the Ipod (thank you to the person who gave me the heads up on that). It is so nice to have all my stuff on one Ipod. And, quite exciting.
So, after doing all that, I took it out for a test spin. And, decided to write down what the first three songs were. As, I am one of those people that believe things happen in threes/meaning in threes, etc. Now, anyone can put meaning into anything. And, maybe I did this here, but the first 3 songs that came from my once father's Ipods spoke to me, some a little more than others. I listed them below in order and put the lyrics as well.
1. "39" By Queen. Which has come to be one of my favorite songs now. After I listened to the 3 songs and some others, I went back and listened to the this song over and over again - and you could say, found religion or my spirit was moved, take your pick. (When I am a little down, I listen to this song now.) The song has a definite "dad" feeling for me. It speaks to his toughness. It speaks to his sense of duty and perseverance. It has that bit of a dirge/country feel. (On my level, it spoke to the lil' pirate in me.) And, this verse, do I need to explain: "Don't you hear my call, Though you're many years away, Don't you hear me calling you, Write your letters in the sand, For the day I'll take your hand, In the land that our grand-children knew". And, then the last line: "For my life, still ahead, pity me." Maybe I'm stretching here.
In the year of thirty-nine
Assembled here the volunteers
In the days when lands were few
Here the ship sailed out into the blue and sunny morn
The sweetest sight ever seen
And the night followed day
And the story tellers say
That the score brave souls inside
For many a lonely day
Sailed across the milky seas
Ne'er looked back never feared never cried
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
In the year of thirty-nine
Came a ship in from the blue
The volunteers came home that day
And they bring good news
Of a world so newly born
Though their hearts so heavily weigh
For the earth is old and grey
little darlin' we'll away
But my love this cannot be
Oh so many years have gone
Though i'm older but a year
Your mother's eyes from your eyes cry to me
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
All your letters in the sand
Cannot heal me like your hand
For my life, still ahead, pity me.
2. "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. The first sentence I ever said was "It's a sunny day." My parents told me I would get up in the morning, run to window, pull open the curtains and say "It's a sunny day." Even if it was raining outside or cloudy and not a bit of sun in the sky, I would say it. They don't know where I picked this up. When this song came on next, I almost cried.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
It's all right.
It's all right.
3. "Lucky" - Second Hand Jive. This was a song from my dad's Ipod. It has a country feel, so even if it didn't come with the Ipod, I am sure that he liked it, being a good ole country boy and all. My father, every time he did something for me, he said he was "making an investment". And, that he knew that investment was a good one and a chance he would take anytime. That's what I got out of this. There are a couple of lines that of course were not a part of this thinking - the wine and the stoned ones. OK - those were a little weird.
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is what to do with all of your charms.
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I had the lovin' you show
Well I place my bet no matter the line
Well I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me home
Yeah with lucky near I can't go wrong
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is all the love you've given so far
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I've had a taste of your wine.
Yeah Well I place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
No I can't
Come on lucky
Listen
I'll place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
So, you tell me. How much am I reading into this and how much could be my father speaking from the beyond?
I've listened to what he had on his Ipod. Some music I believe came with the Ipod, but mostly he had audio books. He had gotten his Ipod for his last birthday in March, so he didn't have a lot of time to use it. However, I really believe he got it so that he could listen to the audio books on trips. He used to listen to books on tape while driving. I have no clue how he stayed awake. I tired to listen to the "Two Towers", which is a great audio book - John Dale narrating - but after about 5 minutes I was fast asleep as if I were a child being read a bed time story.
I recently figured out how to get all my dad's music and audio books off his Ipod, onto my ITunes and all my stuff on to his Ipod. It was a simple confusion of "import" meaning importing to my computer, not importing new stuff onto the Ipod (thank you to the person who gave me the heads up on that). It is so nice to have all my stuff on one Ipod. And, quite exciting.
So, after doing all that, I took it out for a test spin. And, decided to write down what the first three songs were. As, I am one of those people that believe things happen in threes/meaning in threes, etc. Now, anyone can put meaning into anything. And, maybe I did this here, but the first 3 songs that came from my once father's Ipods spoke to me, some a little more than others. I listed them below in order and put the lyrics as well.
1. "39" By Queen. Which has come to be one of my favorite songs now. After I listened to the 3 songs and some others, I went back and listened to the this song over and over again - and you could say, found religion or my spirit was moved, take your pick. (When I am a little down, I listen to this song now.) The song has a definite "dad" feeling for me. It speaks to his toughness. It speaks to his sense of duty and perseverance. It has that bit of a dirge/country feel. (On my level, it spoke to the lil' pirate in me.) And, this verse, do I need to explain: "Don't you hear my call, Though you're many years away, Don't you hear me calling you, Write your letters in the sand, For the day I'll take your hand, In the land that our grand-children knew". And, then the last line: "For my life, still ahead, pity me." Maybe I'm stretching here.
In the year of thirty-nine
Assembled here the volunteers
In the days when lands were few
Here the ship sailed out into the blue and sunny morn
The sweetest sight ever seen
And the night followed day
And the story tellers say
That the score brave souls inside
For many a lonely day
Sailed across the milky seas
Ne'er looked back never feared never cried
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
In the year of thirty-nine
Came a ship in from the blue
The volunteers came home that day
And they bring good news
Of a world so newly born
Though their hearts so heavily weigh
For the earth is old and grey
little darlin' we'll away
But my love this cannot be
Oh so many years have gone
Though i'm older but a year
Your mother's eyes from your eyes cry to me
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I'll take your hand
In the land that our grand-children knew
Don't you hear my call
Though you're many years away
Don't you hear me calling you
All your letters in the sand
Cannot heal me like your hand
For my life, still ahead, pity me.
2. "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. The first sentence I ever said was "It's a sunny day." My parents told me I would get up in the morning, run to window, pull open the curtains and say "It's a sunny day." Even if it was raining outside or cloudy and not a bit of sun in the sky, I would say it. They don't know where I picked this up. When this song came on next, I almost cried.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
It's all right.
It's all right.
3. "Lucky" - Second Hand Jive. This was a song from my dad's Ipod. It has a country feel, so even if it didn't come with the Ipod, I am sure that he liked it, being a good ole country boy and all. My father, every time he did something for me, he said he was "making an investment". And, that he knew that investment was a good one and a chance he would take anytime. That's what I got out of this. There are a couple of lines that of course were not a part of this thinking - the wine and the stoned ones. OK - those were a little weird.
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is what to do with all of your charms.
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I had the lovin' you show
Well I place my bet no matter the line
Well I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me home
Yeah with lucky near I can't go wrong
Well I gotta call you lucky
Cause all I can think about
Is all the love you've given so far
Well I know you think it's not enough
But I could never give it up
Since I've had a taste of your wine.
Yeah Well I place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
No I can't
Come on lucky
Listen
I'll place my bet no matter the line
And I pick a winner every time
Well lucky always gets me stoned
With lucky near I can't go wrong
So, you tell me. How much am I reading into this and how much could be my father speaking from the beyond?
Monday, February 25, 2008
My Eyes Are Dry....
I have other things I am about to post, but as I am writing, I am squinting. Then blinking. Rubbing my eyes. Drinking water. A little better. Then squinting. And, repeat.
Winter and working in an office is drying out my eyes. Could also be the fact that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.
That could be because I have been having to buy water to get water bottles to put my water in. And, after a week or so of uses, you can tell that the plastic is starting to carrying around some bacteria perhaps. Or just general ickyness.
I've been having to buy water to get the water bottles because I lost my Nalgene. I realized today that I have bought a total of 3 Nalgenes in the past 8 years or so. They're great bottles. I have even dropped one down a path of a mountain, came back for it later and found that it was just scratched. All my Nalgenes I have had to replace, I have lost.
Oh wait, what's this? A package.
I got my 2 new Nalgenes. Yay!
I wonder if this will help my eyes?
Non-sequitor lady signing off.
Winter and working in an office is drying out my eyes. Could also be the fact that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.
That could be because I have been having to buy water to get water bottles to put my water in. And, after a week or so of uses, you can tell that the plastic is starting to carrying around some bacteria perhaps. Or just general ickyness.
I've been having to buy water to get the water bottles because I lost my Nalgene. I realized today that I have bought a total of 3 Nalgenes in the past 8 years or so. They're great bottles. I have even dropped one down a path of a mountain, came back for it later and found that it was just scratched. All my Nalgenes I have had to replace, I have lost.
Oh wait, what's this? A package.
I got my 2 new Nalgenes. Yay!
I wonder if this will help my eyes?
Non-sequitor lady signing off.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Shamless Plug #???? - Nosedive's Boxcar Social
In an effort to raise funds for our Spring production of James Comtois' Colorful World, Nosedive is throwing a fundraiser at the Battle Ranch in Williamsburg this weekend.
Featuring The Amazing Amazini, the poetry stylings of Brian Silliman, some new video sketches by our own tribe of sick little monkeys, a raffle featuring: Some of Nosedive's DVD Collection and tickets to Vampire Cowboy's Fight Girl, Battle World - and every one's favorite BEER!
So come on down to the Battle Ranch on Saturday, win some stuff, enjoy some eclectic entertainment, drink yourself silly and help us put on a show!
Nosedive's Boxcar Social
at The Vampire Cowboy's Battle Ranch
111 Conselyea Street, 2L (Williamsburg, Brooklyn) Saturday, February 16th, 7pm-11pm.
$5 Cover, $2 beers, and $1 Jello Shots
Sponsored by Brooklyn Brewery
If you can't make it Saturday night, you can always give a little back by going here. We would really appreciate it!
https://www.fracturedatlas.org/site/contribute/donate/188
Featuring The Amazing Amazini, the poetry stylings of Brian Silliman, some new video sketches by our own tribe of sick little monkeys, a raffle featuring: Some of Nosedive's DVD Collection and tickets to Vampire Cowboy's Fight Girl, Battle World - and every one's favorite BEER!
So come on down to the Battle Ranch on Saturday, win some stuff, enjoy some eclectic entertainment, drink yourself silly and help us put on a show!
at The Vampire Cowboy's Battle Ranch
111 Conselyea Street, 2L (Williamsburg, Brooklyn) Saturday, February 16th, 7pm-11pm.
$5 Cover, $2 beers, and $1 Jello Shots
Sponsored by Brooklyn Brewery
If you can't make it Saturday night, you can always give a little back by going here. We would really appreciate it!
https://www.fracturedatlas.org/site/contribute/donate/188
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Part Deux - The Act of Slowing Down.....
My Smoking.
Part 2 - Developing my smoking and how the hell is Stephanie going to cut down.
So, over the course of that year, I cut down and when I got to NY, I swore I would only have a cigarette once a week - if even that. And, I did very well on that. Not even really smoking for months on end. Ever so often there were a few weeks where I would smoke more. A lot of the AMDA kids did smoke and since you could still smoke in bars back then, I did smoke more some nights than others.
Then, AMDA was over; I quit smoking for almost 2 years when...
I joined a band as a back-up singer. My thinking was - well, the lead singer, she won't smoke. Oh, I was so wrong. She smoked. She smoked a lot. A couple of her band mates smoked. So, the more we rehearsed and the more we performed, the more I began to smoke again. However, when I had more than 4 or 5 cigarettes in one night, I got the cigarette hangover the next day. Some of you might know what this is. It is a headache and feels like your brain is drying up. You can almost hear it crinkle. I hated that, so that kept my smoking down some.
Then, one of band mates introduced me to American Spirits. That changed everything.
They weren't the best tasting at first, but I soon came around to them. And, what do you know - no cigarette hangover the next day. So, I kept up to about a pack a month, or every 2 weeks, depending on what was going on. Bands came and went and so did my smoking.
Then, I joined Nosedive Productions.
And, the smoking has not gone down since. I've quit for a week here or there, but once a production comes up - I am smoking right along side them. But, it is not just them. I have done other productions with other theatre groups and I still smoke. And, there was the whole Master's Degree. Yeah, good time to quit. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
So, after that ball of twine, my knitted sweater above of my life and cigarettes, here is the real point - I am trying to cut down, if not quit all together. And, this is all for health reasons and money. I know I will feel better when I wake up. I know my voice will be better for singing. I know I will have a little more money during the week. These are all things that I know.
But, I do love a good cigarette ever so often.
How am I doing it? First off, as I have learned, going cold turkey does not work. Not that I can't do it, because I have many times. I just get really sick. Bronchitis, pneumonia, you name it. If I quit tomorrow, I would be coughing and wheezing 72 hours. Which, I just always find ironic. When I quit, this is when I get the smoker's cough.
So, I have started by watching how much I smoke during the day. I was at 3 a day in January. Now I am at 2 a day come February. I am hoping to get back to not smoking during the day. Granted, I will still take my "non" smoke breaks, just not smoke. A friend of mine did this. I thought he was a smoker for a year cause he would always go down with the smokers on breaks, but found out he used to smoke, but quit. He went down with the smokers because why should he give up that "break" time.
I have given myself a few more options when the sun comes down. If I go straight home, I can have 2 total. I have to pick when my two will be. I started doing it on my way home from the train, but then had only one for the rest of the night. So, I now listen to my ipod or call someone on my way home from the train. Then March, it will only be one. Then April - no more at home.
Party or going out. I can have as many as I want until March. Then I will start pairing down much like above - probably starting with 5 in the night, then 4, and so on.
However, one part of my life will not change - the Theatre Production. Smoking is definitely part of my creative process/stress reducer, you name it. Like alcohol and cigarettes. Same with theatre. It is technically where I started and along with it being a gift from my grandma, it becomes a little more sacred. Or at least that is my reasoning. And, with theater, there will be a break in rehearsal, before performance, where I will go downstairs (cause rehearsal or performance spaces, there are always stairs), collect my thoughts and smoke a cigarette. It is my meditation in that world.
So, I don't plan on quitting completely. I just can't see myself doing that. This is kind of funny because when I was younger, I never saw myself smoking. So, smokes if you got em'. Cause there is nothing quite like taking a drag off of "the little death".
Part 2 - Developing my smoking and how the hell is Stephanie going to cut down.
So, over the course of that year, I cut down and when I got to NY, I swore I would only have a cigarette once a week - if even that. And, I did very well on that. Not even really smoking for months on end. Ever so often there were a few weeks where I would smoke more. A lot of the AMDA kids did smoke and since you could still smoke in bars back then, I did smoke more some nights than others.
Then, AMDA was over; I quit smoking for almost 2 years when...
I joined a band as a back-up singer. My thinking was - well, the lead singer, she won't smoke. Oh, I was so wrong. She smoked. She smoked a lot. A couple of her band mates smoked. So, the more we rehearsed and the more we performed, the more I began to smoke again. However, when I had more than 4 or 5 cigarettes in one night, I got the cigarette hangover the next day. Some of you might know what this is. It is a headache and feels like your brain is drying up. You can almost hear it crinkle. I hated that, so that kept my smoking down some.
Then, one of band mates introduced me to American Spirits. That changed everything.
They weren't the best tasting at first, but I soon came around to them. And, what do you know - no cigarette hangover the next day. So, I kept up to about a pack a month, or every 2 weeks, depending on what was going on. Bands came and went and so did my smoking.
Then, I joined Nosedive Productions.
And, the smoking has not gone down since. I've quit for a week here or there, but once a production comes up - I am smoking right along side them. But, it is not just them. I have done other productions with other theatre groups and I still smoke. And, there was the whole Master's Degree. Yeah, good time to quit. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
So, after that ball of twine, my knitted sweater above of my life and cigarettes, here is the real point - I am trying to cut down, if not quit all together. And, this is all for health reasons and money. I know I will feel better when I wake up. I know my voice will be better for singing. I know I will have a little more money during the week. These are all things that I know.
But, I do love a good cigarette ever so often.
How am I doing it? First off, as I have learned, going cold turkey does not work. Not that I can't do it, because I have many times. I just get really sick. Bronchitis, pneumonia, you name it. If I quit tomorrow, I would be coughing and wheezing 72 hours. Which, I just always find ironic. When I quit, this is when I get the smoker's cough.
So, I have started by watching how much I smoke during the day. I was at 3 a day in January. Now I am at 2 a day come February. I am hoping to get back to not smoking during the day. Granted, I will still take my "non" smoke breaks, just not smoke. A friend of mine did this. I thought he was a smoker for a year cause he would always go down with the smokers on breaks, but found out he used to smoke, but quit. He went down with the smokers because why should he give up that "break" time.
I have given myself a few more options when the sun comes down. If I go straight home, I can have 2 total. I have to pick when my two will be. I started doing it on my way home from the train, but then had only one for the rest of the night. So, I now listen to my ipod or call someone on my way home from the train. Then March, it will only be one. Then April - no more at home.
Party or going out. I can have as many as I want until March. Then I will start pairing down much like above - probably starting with 5 in the night, then 4, and so on.
However, one part of my life will not change - the Theatre Production. Smoking is definitely part of my creative process/stress reducer, you name it. Like alcohol and cigarettes. Same with theatre. It is technically where I started and along with it being a gift from my grandma, it becomes a little more sacred. Or at least that is my reasoning. And, with theater, there will be a break in rehearsal, before performance, where I will go downstairs (cause rehearsal or performance spaces, there are always stairs), collect my thoughts and smoke a cigarette. It is my meditation in that world.
So, I don't plan on quitting completely. I just can't see myself doing that. This is kind of funny because when I was younger, I never saw myself smoking. So, smokes if you got em'. Cause there is nothing quite like taking a drag off of "the little death".
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Act of Slowing Down....
My Smoking.
Part One - the History of Stephanie and the Cigarette:
Smoking was a big No-No in my family. Although, all my grandparents (well, except my mom's mother) and most Uncles and Aunts, smoked. When I was 3 or 4, I remember my Uncle twirling a cigarette and then throwing it up in the air and catching it in his mouth. I wanted to do that too. So, I went over to his pack and picked one up. I don't really remember what exactly happened. I just remember commotion and being swooped up and a lot of "No's" being said and I think I got swatted on the butt.
I had no clue that a cigarette was bad. That just looked like a neat trick.
I also was not allowed to play in a room where people were smoking. I was a very sick child growing up with a lot of cases of pneumonia. As I got older and less sickly, that rule got little more lenient. However, most of the time, when I was around cigarette smoke, I would get woozy, nauseated, hard time breathing or all of the above.
I never thought I would ever smoke or even be able. I didn't like the way I felt when I was around it, so why even bother trying. And, since I mostly hung out with the geeks and band nerds, I was never really around it.
Only once do I remember actually thinking, I want a cigarette. High school. I was dating the lead singer of a band. (A band all my friends were in as well.) And, he ended up dumping me for a bleached blond hottie from Sweetwater, TX. (And, going to a tangent for a moment - I ended up, in college, getting dumped by the guitarist of another band for said Sweetwater chic. Irony? Or just dumb luck? Small world?) Any way, I was talking to my friends about the break up and said hottie and got really frustrated and angry and sad and just blurted out - "What I wouldn't do for a cigarette right now."
What, wait? I had never smoked in my life.
My friends I was with had been smoking ever so often. And, even though I did hang out with the above mentioned geeks, I did have friends who smoked. But, except for that one time when I was 3 or 4, I never really touched a cigarette.
Then, came college and I ended up doing a scene for my acting class where the character smoked. Seeing that I wanted to play the scene as close as possible, I set out to teach myself to smoke.
No dice. Didn't work.
I had friends that tried to help me. Tried to teach me. Nothing. I couldn't inhale. Every time I tried I would gag or cough. Or, I just couldn't. My friends told me to just keep trying and practice. By the time the performance of the scene happened, I was no where near being a convincing smoker. My director/professor really liked the scene, however, he told me that if he ever saw me on stage not inhaling when I smoked - basically, looking fake - he would come up on stage and slap the cigarette out of my mouth.
I didn't touch cigarettes again. Decided probably for the best.
Then, my 21st birthday. I was going to Lubbock to see my grandmother. She was an amazing lady and if I had to pick a favorite relative - it was her. She was a smoker since she was 16. She had stopped smoking about 5 years before her death. A week before my 21st birthday, while on a choir tour, I saw her. She gave me a ring of hers and told me to take it because I would never see her again. I told her that I would be coming down for Spring Break and she didn't need to give this to me now. She said she just knew I would never see her again and she wanted to make sure this one ring got to me. Anyway, Spring Break came and I did not get down to see her. Then, the day after my 21st birthday, she passed away in her sleep that morning.
Some friends took me out that night, after a rehearsal, for the birthday drink and to comfort me. I was really shaken up. I had other family members die, but this was the first one that really hit me hard. We were all drinking; I was talking about my grandmother when I asked one of my friends for a cigarette. He said sure, gave me one and then reminded me of the "not being able to smoke" thing. He lit it, and I inhaled and had no problem smoking.
Thanks Grandma. Thanks for the gift of smoking.
So, after that, I smoked VERY rarely. One or two every few months. I started with Lucky Strikes (non-filter), then went to Camel (no filter) before I finally became a Camel Lights girl. Again, smoking rarely, or better yet the social smoker - only at parties where large quantities of alcohol were served.
It wasn't until I was graduating college. I was directing a full length piece (that I had to design all myself, from lights to costumes to set - you get the picture) while working 2 jobs (Facilitator at a Ropes Course and Waitress at a Black-Eyed Pea). I worked the Ropes Course, then went to wait tables, then went to the theatre to work on my set. I walked out onto the docks of the theatre at about 5:30am that morning to watch the sun come up and have a cigarette. I reached into my pack and there was only one left. I bought this pack yesterday. I smoked a whole pack in 24 hours.
Woah, this is not good. I'm no longer a social smoker. I'm a smoker.
Part One - the History of Stephanie and the Cigarette:
Smoking was a big No-No in my family. Although, all my grandparents (well, except my mom's mother) and most Uncles and Aunts, smoked. When I was 3 or 4, I remember my Uncle twirling a cigarette and then throwing it up in the air and catching it in his mouth. I wanted to do that too. So, I went over to his pack and picked one up. I don't really remember what exactly happened. I just remember commotion and being swooped up and a lot of "No's" being said and I think I got swatted on the butt.
I had no clue that a cigarette was bad. That just looked like a neat trick.
I also was not allowed to play in a room where people were smoking. I was a very sick child growing up with a lot of cases of pneumonia. As I got older and less sickly, that rule got little more lenient. However, most of the time, when I was around cigarette smoke, I would get woozy, nauseated, hard time breathing or all of the above.
I never thought I would ever smoke or even be able. I didn't like the way I felt when I was around it, so why even bother trying. And, since I mostly hung out with the geeks and band nerds, I was never really around it.
Only once do I remember actually thinking, I want a cigarette. High school. I was dating the lead singer of a band. (A band all my friends were in as well.) And, he ended up dumping me for a bleached blond hottie from Sweetwater, TX. (And, going to a tangent for a moment - I ended up, in college, getting dumped by the guitarist of another band for said Sweetwater chic. Irony? Or just dumb luck? Small world?) Any way, I was talking to my friends about the break up and said hottie and got really frustrated and angry and sad and just blurted out - "What I wouldn't do for a cigarette right now."
What, wait? I had never smoked in my life.
My friends I was with had been smoking ever so often. And, even though I did hang out with the above mentioned geeks, I did have friends who smoked. But, except for that one time when I was 3 or 4, I never really touched a cigarette.
Then, came college and I ended up doing a scene for my acting class where the character smoked. Seeing that I wanted to play the scene as close as possible, I set out to teach myself to smoke.
No dice. Didn't work.
I had friends that tried to help me. Tried to teach me. Nothing. I couldn't inhale. Every time I tried I would gag or cough. Or, I just couldn't. My friends told me to just keep trying and practice. By the time the performance of the scene happened, I was no where near being a convincing smoker. My director/professor really liked the scene, however, he told me that if he ever saw me on stage not inhaling when I smoked - basically, looking fake - he would come up on stage and slap the cigarette out of my mouth.
I didn't touch cigarettes again. Decided probably for the best.
Then, my 21st birthday. I was going to Lubbock to see my grandmother. She was an amazing lady and if I had to pick a favorite relative - it was her. She was a smoker since she was 16. She had stopped smoking about 5 years before her death. A week before my 21st birthday, while on a choir tour, I saw her. She gave me a ring of hers and told me to take it because I would never see her again. I told her that I would be coming down for Spring Break and she didn't need to give this to me now. She said she just knew I would never see her again and she wanted to make sure this one ring got to me. Anyway, Spring Break came and I did not get down to see her. Then, the day after my 21st birthday, she passed away in her sleep that morning.
Some friends took me out that night, after a rehearsal, for the birthday drink and to comfort me. I was really shaken up. I had other family members die, but this was the first one that really hit me hard. We were all drinking; I was talking about my grandmother when I asked one of my friends for a cigarette. He said sure, gave me one and then reminded me of the "not being able to smoke" thing. He lit it, and I inhaled and had no problem smoking.
Thanks Grandma. Thanks for the gift of smoking.
So, after that, I smoked VERY rarely. One or two every few months. I started with Lucky Strikes (non-filter), then went to Camel (no filter) before I finally became a Camel Lights girl. Again, smoking rarely, or better yet the social smoker - only at parties where large quantities of alcohol were served.
It wasn't until I was graduating college. I was directing a full length piece (that I had to design all myself, from lights to costumes to set - you get the picture) while working 2 jobs (Facilitator at a Ropes Course and Waitress at a Black-Eyed Pea). I worked the Ropes Course, then went to wait tables, then went to the theatre to work on my set. I walked out onto the docks of the theatre at about 5:30am that morning to watch the sun come up and have a cigarette. I reached into my pack and there was only one left. I bought this pack yesterday. I smoked a whole pack in 24 hours.
Woah, this is not good. I'm no longer a social smoker. I'm a smoker.
Friday, February 08, 2008
January Was Not the Month I Was Waiting For - But Awesome None The Less
So, my January was not as laid back as I had been waiting for. I know, "waiting", wouldn't that be hoping? No, waiting. Since about Septmeber, I have been waiting for January to come around and give me some nice nights off and weekends off. Go out, watch movies, maybe organize my life a little more. Not the case.
1. Rapid Vamps Fight Studio held by the Vampire Cowboys - Instructor Qui Nguyen. This started that very first weekend in January and came to a close this past Sunday. Awesome, awesome class. And, although I lost one day of couch time on my weekend, it was totally worth it. This is my 3rd time taking the class. Even though a lot of it is the same, it is definitely worth taking more than once. You see your own improvement and moves or techniques that didn't make sense before suddenly do. And, there is always something new or different that Qui throws in.
2. Dance/Movement piece with Catherine Gasta for the New Dance Group. One night Catherine and I were talking in my kitchen and she mentioned she needed dancers for a piece she was choreographing that would perform at the end of January. She would be using some dance technique and mime and some acting. She showed me some moves, I attempted to repeat, even though I had 3 beers at this point. And, she asked me to be involved. One of my goals last year was to get back into some sort of dance. Having a tight budget, didn't really get to that. So, it was nice to start off the New Year with a goal from last year accomplished. The performance went really well the other night. The rehearsals were challenging, but rewarding. And, Catherine also used me as a sounding board on rehearsing, choreographing and such. And, most importantly, I kept up with the young kids.
3. Pinkie Episode 5. Not that I have been doing that much with the whole series, I did help slightly with the organizing and the filming and the drinking of the beer that night. It has really been a delight to be a part of this series. Vampire Cowboys has found a fun and creative way for other Off-Off Broadway companies to meet and mingle. It doesn't feel like networking, yet I met some people that I hope I keep in contact with. It was like summer camp. It was so great to see everyone, see their shows and it was really sad to see it come to an end. I hope that we can take Pinkie and make it into a full length. It was such a joy to watch.
4. IT Awards Judges Video. Granted this just started, but I will be part of the Innovative Theatre Awards instructional video for the judges. Did a rehearsal, got to see the story boards and hear how everything was going to work. I am excited to see how this goes. They are definitely shooting this in a very creative way.
5. Vampire Cowboys - Fight Girl, Battle World. Got to sit in on the reading of this soon to be amazing show that I got the honor to be Assistant Stage Managing. Have you noticed I have been writing a lot about Vampire Cowboys? They are definitely hot. I mean, with a name like that? And, if you haven't heard of them, check them out. www.vampirecowboys.com
6. Colorful World. Nosedive's new show had it's initial reading. I'm really excited about where this show is going to go. So, I have been doing the normal things I do, except, since we have the script, I have been able to get the ball rolling early. Also, because space is getting harder and harder to find 2 months out, we pushed our production dates to May instead of April. I am also probably going to need to the most research on this show than I have with any other in the past. Although, it is total geek girl moment for me: comic book reading. Oh yeah - giggity!
7. A Night With Alan Cumming. Okay, not a whole night, but an hour where a (sadly incompetent) interviewer talked about Alan's career. It was a freebie I got for going to NYU. Alan came in, in a wrinkled pin stripe suit and the interviewer let us know that he just got off work at 5pm. With the wrinkled suit and just how approachable he seemed, I thought, oh, he works a day job too? Of course this was rehearsal. He is doing The Seagull with Diane Weist (I believe). He decided to sit on the chair arm so that the back row could see him and was so very kind to the interviewer even though the questions he was asking were not as pertinent to his career. The talk back was much more interesting. Another goal I have is to go to as many of my freebies from NYU that I can. So, goal #2, working on it.
That's about it. I mean, there were the few nights out and a few movie viewings, but January was much more different than I envisioned. Now, I am in February, the shortest month of the year, then the roller coaster starts to go on the downhill until June. But, looking back over the month, I am so blessed to have had so many creative outlets to be a part of. And, although it was not the most restful, I feel like I have taken a step up in my artist career.
1. Rapid Vamps Fight Studio held by the Vampire Cowboys - Instructor Qui Nguyen. This started that very first weekend in January and came to a close this past Sunday. Awesome, awesome class. And, although I lost one day of couch time on my weekend, it was totally worth it. This is my 3rd time taking the class. Even though a lot of it is the same, it is definitely worth taking more than once. You see your own improvement and moves or techniques that didn't make sense before suddenly do. And, there is always something new or different that Qui throws in.
2. Dance/Movement piece with Catherine Gasta for the New Dance Group. One night Catherine and I were talking in my kitchen and she mentioned she needed dancers for a piece she was choreographing that would perform at the end of January. She would be using some dance technique and mime and some acting. She showed me some moves, I attempted to repeat, even though I had 3 beers at this point. And, she asked me to be involved. One of my goals last year was to get back into some sort of dance. Having a tight budget, didn't really get to that. So, it was nice to start off the New Year with a goal from last year accomplished. The performance went really well the other night. The rehearsals were challenging, but rewarding. And, Catherine also used me as a sounding board on rehearsing, choreographing and such. And, most importantly, I kept up with the young kids.
3. Pinkie Episode 5. Not that I have been doing that much with the whole series, I did help slightly with the organizing and the filming and the drinking of the beer that night. It has really been a delight to be a part of this series. Vampire Cowboys has found a fun and creative way for other Off-Off Broadway companies to meet and mingle. It doesn't feel like networking, yet I met some people that I hope I keep in contact with. It was like summer camp. It was so great to see everyone, see their shows and it was really sad to see it come to an end. I hope that we can take Pinkie and make it into a full length. It was such a joy to watch.
4. IT Awards Judges Video. Granted this just started, but I will be part of the Innovative Theatre Awards instructional video for the judges. Did a rehearsal, got to see the story boards and hear how everything was going to work. I am excited to see how this goes. They are definitely shooting this in a very creative way.
5. Vampire Cowboys - Fight Girl, Battle World. Got to sit in on the reading of this soon to be amazing show that I got the honor to be Assistant Stage Managing. Have you noticed I have been writing a lot about Vampire Cowboys? They are definitely hot. I mean, with a name like that? And, if you haven't heard of them, check them out. www.vampirecowboys.com
6. Colorful World. Nosedive's new show had it's initial reading. I'm really excited about where this show is going to go. So, I have been doing the normal things I do, except, since we have the script, I have been able to get the ball rolling early. Also, because space is getting harder and harder to find 2 months out, we pushed our production dates to May instead of April. I am also probably going to need to the most research on this show than I have with any other in the past. Although, it is total geek girl moment for me: comic book reading. Oh yeah - giggity!
7. A Night With Alan Cumming. Okay, not a whole night, but an hour where a (sadly incompetent) interviewer talked about Alan's career. It was a freebie I got for going to NYU. Alan came in, in a wrinkled pin stripe suit and the interviewer let us know that he just got off work at 5pm. With the wrinkled suit and just how approachable he seemed, I thought, oh, he works a day job too? Of course this was rehearsal. He is doing The Seagull with Diane Weist (I believe). He decided to sit on the chair arm so that the back row could see him and was so very kind to the interviewer even though the questions he was asking were not as pertinent to his career. The talk back was much more interesting. Another goal I have is to go to as many of my freebies from NYU that I can. So, goal #2, working on it.
That's about it. I mean, there were the few nights out and a few movie viewings, but January was much more different than I envisioned. Now, I am in February, the shortest month of the year, then the roller coaster starts to go on the downhill until June. But, looking back over the month, I am so blessed to have had so many creative outlets to be a part of. And, although it was not the most restful, I feel like I have taken a step up in my artist career.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Death, Dying, Living
So, I was wanting to post this after the "Part 3", but holidays, getting ready for another show, holidays, getting ready for another show (you get the picture), permitted me from doing so. I was going to write more about the week after my father's death and what happened, but instead, I wanted to hopefully give you some knowledge on what I learned about a parent's death. All of you that read my blog (all 2 of you :)).
So, I went back to my journal and found the 2 pages that were written between me and my friend Alissa. On a side note Alissa and my other friend Marjori, dropped work to drive 8 hours to be with me and my mom to help out. I would not have gotten through the week without them.
The Living/Dead list:
- Back to NYC - Tue. Night (this was written when I was flying to Houston - thinking that a miracle was going to happen - ironic how this was at the top of the list that later became - the list of sorting out the living and the dead)
- Hair Appt - Wed. AM (my mom hadn't had her hair cut in 2 months)
- Sew Up Drapes - Wed./Thur. (my mom had just put up new drapes b/4 my dad went in for the operation and hadn't had time to hymn them)
- Bills - Wed/Thur. - categorized/paid (having to figure out what was paid, what needed to be paid and just what was what)
- Pills - Wed./Thur. (my mom's medication. didn't want 2 funerals that week.)
- Obituary - Wed.
- Craig - Wed. (this is the Rev. at FUMC where my parents had attended church. And, also, where I attended growing up. got to see a lot of familar faces there.)
- Headstone - Wed. - Denton (this was the funeral home), Casket, Claudia's Hair (my dad's sister had a box of my dad's hair from his first hair cut. his mother had given it to his sister before she died and his sister had been forgetting to give it to him. so, we decided it would go with him in the casket)
- Fri - Food, Plates, s/u stuff, ice
- Dry Clean - Dad's suit - Wed.
- Limo - Wed.
- Photo - Dad (a picture for the paper)
- Grocery List
- Germany Trip - change name (my mom and dad had planned on going to Germany and had already put a down payment on the trip. i was originally going to go in his place.)
- call Late bills
- Get rid of trash
- call flower shop (for flowers for the casket)
- pick up/call for flowers that need to be delivered
- Call HS about inquiring years of coaching - what sports (this was for the obit.)
- Clear shoe boxes for bills (we were setting up a system for my mom - we ended up just buying some nice boxes and folders for her)
We had determined the funeral was going to be Friday, so we technically only had 48 hours to pull this off (did I mention that I had contracted bronchittis? Well, heck, if I had SMed and run a show with walking pneumonia, I was sure I could get through this.)
It really did become a time of getting ready for an event, not a death. Which in some ways helped. The saddnessan> came in more manageable sizes.
After many phone calls, conversations, and more lists, here is my hindsight information. Things that could have been done before hand and things I learned along the way.
1. Bills and Finances. Parents should keep a list of where everything is kept and how the filing is done. Now, it won't be perfect, but something that will help when needing to find things in a pinch. That list should be shared with the child(ren).
2. Funeral Homes. In my opinion, we went to about the best one ever. I didn't realize how much they did for you. Here's what I remember:
- transportation of body (if necessary). fyi, the hospital will not release the body until they know which funeral home you are using. but, yes, the funeral home takes care of that.
- death certificates and life insurance. they can get all the information necessary and make sure checks and death certificates get to the right place. all states are different on this (since my father died in Texas, but was living in New Mexico, there was a little more of a wait and the price is different). also, on death certificates, buy more than you need - cheaper if you buy in bulk. if you need to order more, you are going to pay a higher price for one at a time.
- obituary - we got a call from the paper when we got home, but if you don't have a funeral announcement or obit - they will help you write it up and get all the information over to the newspaper.
- plot or "land". the people in the biz like to call it "land". we also went ahead and got a bit of "land" for my mom too.
- casket - but of course. of course they are "containers" or some other word she used. this was a very emotional momment. it makes it especially real. she walked in and described some of them, then left us to look for a bit. my mom had to leave the room, so in the end, i picked it out.
- thank you cards and books for people to sign in. funny how funerals and weddings are very similar.
- graveside or church funeral. from there they give you options and make all the arrangements with all the people involved including pallbearers, ushers, etc.
- transportation of family on the day of the funeral
- alerting the police for a funeral procession
- where all the flowers are going - to the house or the funeral home. on a personal note - have some sent to the funeral home if you are having a gravesite service. it's nice to know there will be some flowers at the gravesite when all is said and done.
- tombstone. they however, do not take care of this or at least this funeral home did not - you have to order that seperately - they will give you connections. they'll help with where it needs to go, giving them the "land" information, but they don't order these. (we still haven't done that yet - and it's OK to wait)
3. Food. There will not be a problem with food. But, ice - if you are having some sort of gathering at your home after the funeral - don't forget ice. One mistake we did make was going to the grocery store and stocking up on cheese plates and bread and all sorts of snacks for the gathering after the funeral. We had so much food that people had brought in over the course of the week - from full meals to snacks, to bottled water, to sodas, you get the picture. People want to help you and one of the most popular ways is food. My mom didn't have to go grocery shopping until after Thanksgiving.
4. Do Things That Are Extremely Important - Time Sensitive, Sort Of. First off, giving a call to those bill payments that are past due, but can't be taken care of now. Saying, "Sorry I am late with my payment, my _______________ just passed away." works pretty darn well. And, honestly, one could probably even wait more time than we did. But, seeing that I was only there for the week, things had to get done. Even the ordering of the death certificates can wait for about 60 days. If you remember something that needs to be done, write it down. Put it someplace where you can remember it and do it when you are a little stronger.
5. Organize/Clean As Much As You Can - When one or both parents pass, there are always things that were left in the "get to that later pile". Sometimes that pile was noted, sometimes not. Also, at least in my mom's case, she had been away for 3 weeks. Mail had piled up, laundry had to be done, etc. I can't say for certain on this next point, but there is something to say about keeping busy when things go wrong. Lying in bed and not moving for days also sounds like a pretty good plan too, but I think keeping busy was probably the better option.
There were A LOT more lists that were written of course. Not to sound callous, but it reminded me a lot of preparing for a benefit (which of course, as the song goes that some of you know of - you never can). And, I was reminded of the scene in The Big Chill when Glenn Close says to her friends at a funeral reception which was in her home- "I do put on a good funeral". Cause, after all that happened that week, it was so nice to have a house full of people. My parent's house, my home for so many years, hadn't seen that since I was very young. Everyone talking and, under the cirumstances, having a good time. Living amongst the death.
So, I went back to my journal and found the 2 pages that were written between me and my friend Alissa. On a side note Alissa and my other friend Marjori, dropped work to drive 8 hours to be with me and my mom to help out. I would not have gotten through the week without them.
The Living/Dead list:
- Back to NYC - Tue. Night (this was written when I was flying to Houston - thinking that a miracle was going to happen - ironic how this was at the top of the list that later became - the list of sorting out the living and the dead)
- Hair Appt - Wed. AM (my mom hadn't had her hair cut in 2 months)
- Sew Up Drapes - Wed./Thur. (my mom had just put up new drapes b/4 my dad went in for the operation and hadn't had time to hymn them)
- Bills - Wed/Thur. - categorized/paid (having to figure out what was paid, what needed to be paid and just what was what)
- Pills - Wed./Thur. (my mom's medication. didn't want 2 funerals that week.)
- Obituary - Wed.
- Craig - Wed. (this is the Rev. at FUMC where my parents had attended church. And, also, where I attended growing up. got to see a lot of familar faces there.)
- Headstone - Wed. - Denton (this was the funeral home), Casket, Claudia's Hair (my dad's sister had a box of my dad's hair from his first hair cut. his mother had given it to his sister before she died and his sister had been forgetting to give it to him. so, we decided it would go with him in the casket)
- Fri - Food, Plates, s/u stuff, ice
- Dry Clean - Dad's suit - Wed.
- Limo - Wed.
- Photo - Dad (a picture for the paper)
- Grocery List
- Germany Trip - change name (my mom and dad had planned on going to Germany and had already put a down payment on the trip. i was originally going to go in his place.)
- call Late bills
- Get rid of trash
- call flower shop (for flowers for the casket)
- pick up/call for flowers that need to be delivered
- Call HS about inquiring years of coaching - what sports (this was for the obit.)
- Clear shoe boxes for bills (we were setting up a system for my mom - we ended up just buying some nice boxes and folders for her)
We had determined the funeral was going to be Friday, so we technically only had 48 hours to pull this off (did I mention that I had contracted bronchittis? Well, heck, if I had SMed and run a show with walking pneumonia, I was sure I could get through this.)
It really did become a time of getting ready for an event, not a death. Which in some ways helped. The saddnessan> came in more manageable sizes.
After many phone calls, conversations, and more lists, here is my hindsight information. Things that could have been done before hand and things I learned along the way.
1. Bills and Finances. Parents should keep a list of where everything is kept and how the filing is done. Now, it won't be perfect, but something that will help when needing to find things in a pinch. That list should be shared with the child(ren).
2. Funeral Homes. In my opinion, we went to about the best one ever. I didn't realize how much they did for you. Here's what I remember:
- transportation of body (if necessary). fyi, the hospital will not release the body until they know which funeral home you are using. but, yes, the funeral home takes care of that.
- death certificates and life insurance. they can get all the information necessary and make sure checks and death certificates get to the right place. all states are different on this (since my father died in Texas, but was living in New Mexico, there was a little more of a wait and the price is different). also, on death certificates, buy more than you need - cheaper if you buy in bulk. if you need to order more, you are going to pay a higher price for one at a time.
- obituary - we got a call from the paper when we got home, but if you don't have a funeral announcement or obit - they will help you write it up and get all the information over to the newspaper.
- plot or "land". the people in the biz like to call it "land". we also went ahead and got a bit of "land" for my mom too.
- casket - but of course. of course they are "containers" or some other word she used. this was a very emotional momment. it makes it especially real. she walked in and described some of them, then left us to look for a bit. my mom had to leave the room, so in the end, i picked it out.
- thank you cards and books for people to sign in. funny how funerals and weddings are very similar.
- graveside or church funeral. from there they give you options and make all the arrangements with all the people involved including pallbearers, ushers, etc.
- transportation of family on the day of the funeral
- alerting the police for a funeral procession
- where all the flowers are going - to the house or the funeral home. on a personal note - have some sent to the funeral home if you are having a gravesite service. it's nice to know there will be some flowers at the gravesite when all is said and done.
- tombstone. they however, do not take care of this or at least this funeral home did not - you have to order that seperately - they will give you connections. they'll help with where it needs to go, giving them the "land" information, but they don't order these. (we still haven't done that yet - and it's OK to wait)
3. Food. There will not be a problem with food. But, ice - if you are having some sort of gathering at your home after the funeral - don't forget ice. One mistake we did make was going to the grocery store and stocking up on cheese plates and bread and all sorts of snacks for the gathering after the funeral. We had so much food that people had brought in over the course of the week - from full meals to snacks, to bottled water, to sodas, you get the picture. People want to help you and one of the most popular ways is food. My mom didn't have to go grocery shopping until after Thanksgiving.
4. Do Things That Are Extremely Important - Time Sensitive, Sort Of. First off, giving a call to those bill payments that are past due, but can't be taken care of now. Saying, "Sorry I am late with my payment, my _______________ just passed away." works pretty darn well. And, honestly, one could probably even wait more time than we did. But, seeing that I was only there for the week, things had to get done. Even the ordering of the death certificates can wait for about 60 days. If you remember something that needs to be done, write it down. Put it someplace where you can remember it and do it when you are a little stronger.
5. Organize/Clean As Much As You Can - When one or both parents pass, there are always things that were left in the "get to that later pile". Sometimes that pile was noted, sometimes not. Also, at least in my mom's case, she had been away for 3 weeks. Mail had piled up, laundry had to be done, etc. I can't say for certain on this next point, but there is something to say about keeping busy when things go wrong. Lying in bed and not moving for days also sounds like a pretty good plan too, but I think keeping busy was probably the better option.
There were A LOT more lists that were written of course. Not to sound callous, but it reminded me a lot of preparing for a benefit (which of course, as the song goes that some of you know of - you never can). And, I was reminded of the scene in The Big Chill when Glenn Close says to her friends at a funeral reception which was in her home- "I do put on a good funeral". Cause, after all that happened that week, it was so nice to have a house full of people. My parent's house, my home for so many years, hadn't seen that since I was very young. Everyone talking and, under the cirumstances, having a good time. Living amongst the death.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Goodbye 2007 - Hello 2008!
So, 2007 finally let it's ugly ass out the door. Wow, what a year it has been. For so many too. I for one, am happy to say it is over. Although, marking an end of a year doesn't mean that things are suddenly going to be different or that your life will be changing for better, or worse. But, I guess for most (me included), it gives the allusion that life can start again, and, be better this time around.
One of my friends said that I should be awarded the shittest year award. Granted, I am sure there are other people who had a far worse year than me and would look at my year and say it was cherry.
But, I was happy to accept my award on New Year's Night (morning?), which was a Papier-mâché douche bag pinata, that when opened was full of 14 mini bottles of Captain Morgan's Rum, feathers, streamers and little tambourines. One of my best gifts of the holiday season.
However, I have to say, I received A LOT of blessings this year too. There were large life changing events. But, my life was sprinkled with multiple blessings through out the year. In the beginning of the year, I kept my mind on the blessings of just shelter, food and a job. By looking at just those essentials, the larger blessings looked liked multiple Goodyear Blimps.
I got asked to work on shows for money. WTF - you can get paid for this? I got a great apartment near transportation and my job. I got a good job that keeps in beer and skittles and the creditors off my back. I acted in not one, but 3 Off-Off Broadway shows this year. Yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for.
But, one of my most treasured blessings is my friends. I found out this year just how great the people in my life truly are. I always knew they were wonderful, I just never knew how amazing they are.
A lot of people have said how strong I am this year. One part of that is the company I keep. Without them this year, whether near or far, I would have never gotten through the year in one piece.
So, yes, 2007 brought some really hard changes. But, from those changes, I was given a lot. Like the pinata, what looked like a douche bag on the outside, was full of wonderful things on the inside.
Thank you, thank you all of my friends. Cheers and Happy New Years.
One of my friends said that I should be awarded the shittest year award. Granted, I am sure there are other people who had a far worse year than me and would look at my year and say it was cherry.
But, I was happy to accept my award on New Year's Night (morning?), which was a Papier-mâché douche bag pinata, that when opened was full of 14 mini bottles of Captain Morgan's Rum, feathers, streamers and little tambourines. One of my best gifts of the holiday season.
However, I have to say, I received A LOT of blessings this year too. There were large life changing events. But, my life was sprinkled with multiple blessings through out the year. In the beginning of the year, I kept my mind on the blessings of just shelter, food and a job. By looking at just those essentials, the larger blessings looked liked multiple Goodyear Blimps.
I got asked to work on shows for money. WTF - you can get paid for this? I got a great apartment near transportation and my job. I got a good job that keeps in beer and skittles and the creditors off my back. I acted in not one, but 3 Off-Off Broadway shows this year. Yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for.
But, one of my most treasured blessings is my friends. I found out this year just how great the people in my life truly are. I always knew they were wonderful, I just never knew how amazing they are.
A lot of people have said how strong I am this year. One part of that is the company I keep. Without them this year, whether near or far, I would have never gotten through the year in one piece.
So, yes, 2007 brought some really hard changes. But, from those changes, I was given a lot. Like the pinata, what looked like a douche bag on the outside, was full of wonderful things on the inside.
Thank you, thank you all of my friends. Cheers and Happy New Years.
Friday, December 28, 2007
2007 Needs to Stop Now
Just got off the phone with my mom. She got home and got news that a good friend of hers died in a car accident on Wednesday. Here is what I found in the Carlsbad Current Argus (I also found that it was reported in 2 other newspapers.)
The Woodfields were friends of ours when I was very young. I used to play with their 2 children Dara Lynn and DJ.
About 5 years or so ago, Rita's husband died suddenly. She had a very hard time adjusting as anyone would and had just recently started dating again.
After my father's death, she came over and talked to my mom for quite awhile. And, my mom and her had plans to go on trips together, seeing they were both about the same age and single. She was also someone with whom my mom was able to talk to, and who understood her kind of loss.
So, I am asking, oh great 2007, please, may this have been your last hurrah of heartbreak. I have had some other friends and family who have lost more than their share this year. We're done loosing.
And, to 2008, please show us some mercy. Whether we deserve it or not.
I wish to those of you who are traveling or just out having a good time on New Year's Eve saftely and safe travels.
Carlsbad woman dies in Texas auto accident
From the Current-Argus
CARLSBAD — A Carlsbad woman died Wednesday in a single-vehicle accident near Plains, Texas, according to reports in a Lubbock newspaper.
Rita Woodfield, 67, apparently overcorrected when her 2003 Ford F-150 drifted off the road six miles west of Plains, on U.S. Highway 82.
Woodfield was wearing a seatbelt, but was killed when the truck flipped, according to information from the Texas Department of Public Safety.
Funeral services are set for 2 p.m. Monday at United Methodist Church with Pastor John Burke of New Song Christian Fellowship Church officiating. Interment will follow in Carlsbad Cemetery, new section, with arrangements by West Funeral Home.
The Woodfields were friends of ours when I was very young. I used to play with their 2 children Dara Lynn and DJ.
About 5 years or so ago, Rita's husband died suddenly. She had a very hard time adjusting as anyone would and had just recently started dating again.
After my father's death, she came over and talked to my mom for quite awhile. And, my mom and her had plans to go on trips together, seeing they were both about the same age and single. She was also someone with whom my mom was able to talk to, and who understood her kind of loss.
So, I am asking, oh great 2007, please, may this have been your last hurrah of heartbreak. I have had some other friends and family who have lost more than their share this year. We're done loosing.
And, to 2008, please show us some mercy. Whether we deserve it or not.
I wish to those of you who are traveling or just out having a good time on New Year's Eve saftely and safe travels.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Put Mom On A Plane
My mom came up this year for Christmas - landing on December 15 to see me in A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol and staying with me until today.
When my parents would visit in the past, it was always so wonderful to have them around, but a bit of a relief when they would leave. Things could go back to status quot, etc.
So, when I dropped my mom off today, I thought it would be a relief. But, it was the first time I walked away and cried. I believe one factor was that she was traveling alone and that made me very sad. The other was, she was such a joy to have around and I love my mother unconditionally, so much. I mean, how do you put into words, if you have it, the love for the woman that gave you life? For me, being adopted, this was the woman that decided to take care of me and raise me as her own. Both of my parents. This was a conscious decision. So, to say goodbye, watch her walk away, was heartbreaking. I now wish she could have stayed longer.
It was also awesome to be able to introduce my mom to my family here in New York. My parents usually came around when everyone was away on vacation. This time, I had the opportunity to introduce my mom to (as many as I could) special people of my life. All the dinners and times out with my friends, she really enjoyed.
There were a few moments of frustration on both parts. But even after having to buy a $4 metrocard because of miss-swipes, she still trudged on and seemed to have a good time. And, a break. And, rest.
Out of all the stories and all the things that happened - this was probably my most embarrassing/funniest things I remember one of my friends saying.
Mom: "Stephie, don't you drink too much. I want you to be able to stay awake on the subway ride home."
Leslie: "Oh Janie, if there is one thing you don't have to worry about is when Stephanie drinks."
Aw memories. :)
When my parents would visit in the past, it was always so wonderful to have them around, but a bit of a relief when they would leave. Things could go back to status quot, etc.
So, when I dropped my mom off today, I thought it would be a relief. But, it was the first time I walked away and cried. I believe one factor was that she was traveling alone and that made me very sad. The other was, she was such a joy to have around and I love my mother unconditionally, so much. I mean, how do you put into words, if you have it, the love for the woman that gave you life? For me, being adopted, this was the woman that decided to take care of me and raise me as her own. Both of my parents. This was a conscious decision. So, to say goodbye, watch her walk away, was heartbreaking. I now wish she could have stayed longer.
It was also awesome to be able to introduce my mom to my family here in New York. My parents usually came around when everyone was away on vacation. This time, I had the opportunity to introduce my mom to (as many as I could) special people of my life. All the dinners and times out with my friends, she really enjoyed.
There were a few moments of frustration on both parts. But even after having to buy a $4 metrocard because of miss-swipes, she still trudged on and seemed to have a good time. And, a break. And, rest.
Out of all the stories and all the things that happened - this was probably my most embarrassing/funniest things I remember one of my friends saying.
Mom: "Stephie, don't you drink too much. I want you to be able to stay awake on the subway ride home."
Leslie: "Oh Janie, if there is one thing you don't have to worry about is when Stephanie drinks."
Aw memories. :)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Worst Blogger Ever - OK, Maybe Not the Worst, But...
So, I had one more post about death and dying that I have been working on (well on and off) for a couple of weeks now. Granted, this does not mean it will be this polished, beautifully poised, grammatically spectacular post. It will be my usual disjointed, stream of conscious self. Hopefully with just a better outline.
I wouldn't want to disappoint all 5 of my readers. :)
But, with the holiday seasons, I thought a post on DEATH, would be a little morbid, if not inappropriate. Although, I am sometimes for the inappropriate, this isn't the kind I like to go for. It isn't sexy. Not the way it should be - to quote some Boogie Nights there.
And, with the show ("A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol") coming to a close, I let out the collective sigh of relief. Nosedive has produced, since September, 5 or 6 shows? Two mainstage - at least 3 or 4 shorter works. Although I was not involved as much with the shorter works, they were always on the radar and attended-when not in a show. So, my life has not been my own. So, it has been nice to go - Ah, I don't have to think about theatre for a bit.
Which, by the way, I have never, ever said out loud or written ever.
Yup, folks, I am officially burned out. This year, along with all the Theatre I have done, has taken it's toll. I want a break! So, I am looking forward to enjoying some quiet time with a book (or a blog when I am at work) and a cup of coffee, tea or hot cocoa.
Although, there are 3 foibles in this delicious plan. My mom, the holidays and friends coming up for New Years. Maybe more challenges than foibles. I love having my mom here. It is good to get her away from the house that has been causing her some grief. And it gives her a break from all the people. I know that sounds weird - the all the people part. But, my mom has not had a break since the funeral. Maybe, at the most - 2 or 3 days where no one has called or come over. I am happy to report that she is sleeping through the night and enjoying the quiet time at the house.
Holidays - this is the first year, I think since I was young or maybe teenage/college years, where I have gotten an extreme case of the Holiday Blues. I can bullet point/laundry list the reasons I have come up with why I feel this way, but really, why bother. Those that know me, you can probably figure it out. So, I am planning a tradition I used to have - read a Stephen King book for the holidays. I am picking back up the Dark Tower series and getting back to it. I am on book 2. And, at about 10pm each night that I am home, I will just pick up my book and begin to read. I tried this last night with my comic book. My mom chatted a bit, then got a book of her own. It was lovely.
Friends coming up for New Years - a friend of mine, since I was about 15 or so, is coming up with her boyfriend for New Years. I will admit, I was kind of hoping it would just be her. Then we could run around with my friends, have girls night out sort of adventures. But, alas, for her to be able to come up here, she needed cheap tickets and her boyfriend could do that for her. But, I can still attempt to have some quiet time by letting them go out and adventure on their own. And, since there are 2 of them, they can entertain each other. I don't need to entertain the whole time. I am really interested in seeing what my New Year's will be like this year. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it is at least moderately good. A 5 to 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. That would be nice.
Look forward to posting - hopefully a lot more in 2008. I at least need to do a wrap up of 2007 and a look into my 2008. Would you like that? If not, let me know. :)
And, I just wanted to say - Happy Holidays. Here's to you!
I wouldn't want to disappoint all 5 of my readers. :)
But, with the holiday seasons, I thought a post on DEATH, would be a little morbid, if not inappropriate. Although, I am sometimes for the inappropriate, this isn't the kind I like to go for. It isn't sexy. Not the way it should be - to quote some Boogie Nights there.
And, with the show ("A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol") coming to a close, I let out the collective sigh of relief. Nosedive has produced, since September, 5 or 6 shows? Two mainstage - at least 3 or 4 shorter works. Although I was not involved as much with the shorter works, they were always on the radar and attended-when not in a show. So, my life has not been my own. So, it has been nice to go - Ah, I don't have to think about theatre for a bit.
Which, by the way, I have never, ever said out loud or written ever.
Yup, folks, I am officially burned out. This year, along with all the Theatre I have done, has taken it's toll. I want a break! So, I am looking forward to enjoying some quiet time with a book (or a blog when I am at work) and a cup of coffee, tea or hot cocoa.
Although, there are 3 foibles in this delicious plan. My mom, the holidays and friends coming up for New Years. Maybe more challenges than foibles. I love having my mom here. It is good to get her away from the house that has been causing her some grief. And it gives her a break from all the people. I know that sounds weird - the all the people part. But, my mom has not had a break since the funeral. Maybe, at the most - 2 or 3 days where no one has called or come over. I am happy to report that she is sleeping through the night and enjoying the quiet time at the house.
Holidays - this is the first year, I think since I was young or maybe teenage/college years, where I have gotten an extreme case of the Holiday Blues. I can bullet point/laundry list the reasons I have come up with why I feel this way, but really, why bother. Those that know me, you can probably figure it out. So, I am planning a tradition I used to have - read a Stephen King book for the holidays. I am picking back up the Dark Tower series and getting back to it. I am on book 2. And, at about 10pm each night that I am home, I will just pick up my book and begin to read. I tried this last night with my comic book. My mom chatted a bit, then got a book of her own. It was lovely.
Friends coming up for New Years - a friend of mine, since I was about 15 or so, is coming up with her boyfriend for New Years. I will admit, I was kind of hoping it would just be her. Then we could run around with my friends, have girls night out sort of adventures. But, alas, for her to be able to come up here, she needed cheap tickets and her boyfriend could do that for her. But, I can still attempt to have some quiet time by letting them go out and adventure on their own. And, since there are 2 of them, they can entertain each other. I don't need to entertain the whole time. I am really interested in seeing what my New Year's will be like this year. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it is at least moderately good. A 5 to 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. That would be nice.
Look forward to posting - hopefully a lot more in 2008. I at least need to do a wrap up of 2007 and a look into my 2008. Would you like that? If not, let me know. :)
And, I just wanted to say - Happy Holidays. Here's to you!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Horribly Beautiful Yet Again, Part 3
So, the doctor comes in. He tells us basically everything that we know up to this point. This time, however, he uses the word coma. However, they have done tests and he has lost even more brain function.
He asks us again what we would like to do. My mom said "No heroics, peacefull passing." The doctor calls up the order to have everything removed. This is it. This is his last chance.
Then a Chaplin is called in. And, she sits with us while we wait. She's pretty cool - not too preachy - just wants to know where we are. She has a braid like me - same side and everything. Up to this point, I had been doing pretty well on the crying side and just having the minor tears. Then the chaplin asked when the last time I saw my father was. Niagra Falls. I just hunched down over him and begin to sob. It was December. And, of course, this was also the time that I was waiting to see my husband - him getting off tour, and at this point, hoping that we could re-start our life again together. So, even though I saw my dad, I really didn't see him. Regret. Regret fills me. Anger. Anger at my now ex-husband. The last time I saw my dad - I was barely there. Which means, flash back to the last time - was that the Christmas before? Was that the year that they came down in the summer? I couldn't remember.
The chaplin, then realizes, she probably asked the wrong - or right - question. I had muttered out December before the flood happened. She tells me not to regret that I had not seen them in a long while. That she was the same with her mother. That life is continuing to get in the way. My mom begins to chime in at this point. "Oh no, Stephie, it's not your fault. You were starting your new job and we had all those trips and Dad didn't want you to come down here. He didn't want you to see him when he wasn't feeling like himself."
Amazingly, this didn't really help. And, this is one portion of the mourning process I have been having the hardest time with. I know I shouldn't regret and be thankful for all the times I did get to see him - see him in good health, etc. But, that damn regret. Just keeps coming back.
Well, I am able, at this point to tell my brain that I can't regret and I stop crying. Of course I have to go blown my nose and wash my hands - again. I find this a little funny. For a man who is about to die, we sure are worried about germs.
Then, the men come to remove the machines. We went outside. The chaplin waits with us. Then we are allowed back in. All the tubes are gone. He is just laying there. His heart is still beating. His diaphram is desperately trying to move on it's own. He's got a quivering belly. We all stand around him (Mom, the nurse, the chaplin and me) and she says a pray. I don't even remember what she said, but I remember it being nice.
Then the nurse left. Then the chaplin had to leave and it was just me and my mom on either side of my dad. I was holding his hand. We were just watching him. I just kept praying, thinking, wishing. Come on Dad. You're stronger than this. Prove everyone wrong. Just wake up. Come on. You can do it. Then I remembered his phrases when coaching me - I would fall down and hurt myslef or I was sick or I ever so often said "I couldn't do it." He would tell me to "walk it off" or "you're not that sick, let's get you moving around" or "can't couldn't ever do anything." My father's phrases to me, now running through my head to him.
His belly's quivering was slowing down. There were now, what looked like, small gasps. I looked down at the hand I was holding. His fingernails began to turn purple. It's happening. He's going.
Then, his hand gripped mine and his head started to move. What?!?!? What was going on? And then, his head moved to the side and his eyes began to open. My mom and I jumped up. Me saying "Daddy" and she saying "Ron we're here." Then, I realized, this wasn't him waking up. This was his leaving. So, I said - "It's OK Dad, relax, let go, I'll take care of mom, just let go. We love you. Goodbye Dad, goodbye." Then his mouth made a movement as if to say something and that was it.
Then, came the not so pleasant part - well, as if this had been pleasant at all. He started to slightly convulse. Then stopped moving. His heart, still beating. One eye slightly open. My mom and I sat back down. His skin began to change to a yellowish color. But, his heart just kept on pumping.
Then, the heart began to slow down. The only thing I could think of was - well, at least they fixed his heart - it stayed beating and going the longest. Then, the other nurse came in and said, "I am sorry for your loss." I said thank you and began to stand up. This of course confused my mother and said, oh thank you and then just sat there and then she looked at me to the nurse and said - oh, is it over? The nurse said yes. My mother said alright and walked out of the room.
I let go of my dad's hand, but then realized that he was still holding mine. I undid his grip and flatten his hand out on the bed. Then I went up to his head, closed his mouth and the one eye that was still opened. Then kissed my hand and put it to his forehead and said my final goodbye.
My mom then went back in after me to say her final goodbye.
Then, we came out and began the discussion that would continue the rest of the week. What next.
And, I realized that I had experienced, to this date, one of the most beautiful momments of my life. However hard. I was with my dad when he left this world.
He asks us again what we would like to do. My mom said "No heroics, peacefull passing." The doctor calls up the order to have everything removed. This is it. This is his last chance.
Then a Chaplin is called in. And, she sits with us while we wait. She's pretty cool - not too preachy - just wants to know where we are. She has a braid like me - same side and everything. Up to this point, I had been doing pretty well on the crying side and just having the minor tears. Then the chaplin asked when the last time I saw my father was. Niagra Falls. I just hunched down over him and begin to sob. It was December. And, of course, this was also the time that I was waiting to see my husband - him getting off tour, and at this point, hoping that we could re-start our life again together. So, even though I saw my dad, I really didn't see him. Regret. Regret fills me. Anger. Anger at my now ex-husband. The last time I saw my dad - I was barely there. Which means, flash back to the last time - was that the Christmas before? Was that the year that they came down in the summer? I couldn't remember.
The chaplin, then realizes, she probably asked the wrong - or right - question. I had muttered out December before the flood happened. She tells me not to regret that I had not seen them in a long while. That she was the same with her mother. That life is continuing to get in the way. My mom begins to chime in at this point. "Oh no, Stephie, it's not your fault. You were starting your new job and we had all those trips and Dad didn't want you to come down here. He didn't want you to see him when he wasn't feeling like himself."
Amazingly, this didn't really help. And, this is one portion of the mourning process I have been having the hardest time with. I know I shouldn't regret and be thankful for all the times I did get to see him - see him in good health, etc. But, that damn regret. Just keeps coming back.
Well, I am able, at this point to tell my brain that I can't regret and I stop crying. Of course I have to go blown my nose and wash my hands - again. I find this a little funny. For a man who is about to die, we sure are worried about germs.
Then, the men come to remove the machines. We went outside. The chaplin waits with us. Then we are allowed back in. All the tubes are gone. He is just laying there. His heart is still beating. His diaphram is desperately trying to move on it's own. He's got a quivering belly. We all stand around him (Mom, the nurse, the chaplin and me) and she says a pray. I don't even remember what she said, but I remember it being nice.
Then the nurse left. Then the chaplin had to leave and it was just me and my mom on either side of my dad. I was holding his hand. We were just watching him. I just kept praying, thinking, wishing. Come on Dad. You're stronger than this. Prove everyone wrong. Just wake up. Come on. You can do it. Then I remembered his phrases when coaching me - I would fall down and hurt myslef or I was sick or I ever so often said "I couldn't do it." He would tell me to "walk it off" or "you're not that sick, let's get you moving around" or "can't couldn't ever do anything." My father's phrases to me, now running through my head to him.
His belly's quivering was slowing down. There were now, what looked like, small gasps. I looked down at the hand I was holding. His fingernails began to turn purple. It's happening. He's going.
Then, his hand gripped mine and his head started to move. What?!?!? What was going on? And then, his head moved to the side and his eyes began to open. My mom and I jumped up. Me saying "Daddy" and she saying "Ron we're here." Then, I realized, this wasn't him waking up. This was his leaving. So, I said - "It's OK Dad, relax, let go, I'll take care of mom, just let go. We love you. Goodbye Dad, goodbye." Then his mouth made a movement as if to say something and that was it.
Then, came the not so pleasant part - well, as if this had been pleasant at all. He started to slightly convulse. Then stopped moving. His heart, still beating. One eye slightly open. My mom and I sat back down. His skin began to change to a yellowish color. But, his heart just kept on pumping.
Then, the heart began to slow down. The only thing I could think of was - well, at least they fixed his heart - it stayed beating and going the longest. Then, the other nurse came in and said, "I am sorry for your loss." I said thank you and began to stand up. This of course confused my mother and said, oh thank you and then just sat there and then she looked at me to the nurse and said - oh, is it over? The nurse said yes. My mother said alright and walked out of the room.
I let go of my dad's hand, but then realized that he was still holding mine. I undid his grip and flatten his hand out on the bed. Then I went up to his head, closed his mouth and the one eye that was still opened. Then kissed my hand and put it to his forehead and said my final goodbye.
My mom then went back in after me to say her final goodbye.
Then, we came out and began the discussion that would continue the rest of the week. What next.
And, I realized that I had experienced, to this date, one of the most beautiful momments of my life. However hard. I was with my dad when he left this world.
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