Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Phantom Pain Remembered

Have you ever woke up from a dream with a short of hallow pain in your chest trying to figure out what it is or what triggered that? How about a smell or walking down a street and not so much a memory, but a feeling? I am sure you have. Why am I asking?

Well, after months of writer's block and/or partial blog writing, this song came on and a memory, no a feeling came over me. Something I didn't realize was gone until now. The bitter hopelessness of life. A hallow place in my heart, sometimes not hallow, but filled with pain. A feeling I have had for a very long time.

The song that came on and triggered: "How to Save A Life" from the Fray. Now, the story and the feeling are attached to something that is not a public story, so I am not going to get into the details and I hope I do not offend by just writing what I am publicly writing now. But, this song was on repeat from Dec. 2006 for about a year. It steadied me somehow. It reminded me that situations, no matter how much they get out of hand, the people in the situation should do their best to work to a place where they can see each other again, in social situations or just run into each other on the street again, be able to say hi and remember that once there was something great there, but not anymore. And share the life with each other they have now. That was at least the "grown-up" thing I believed should be done.

Since then, I have gone through multiple emotional trials regarding this situation. And, other situations, particularly those of lost have come into my life. From my father dying to a friend and I not seeing eye to eye and going our separate ways.

This song reminds me of one night in particular. And, I have probably heard it a dozen times in the past few years, but today for some odd reason, it hit. The chill in the air maybe coupled with this song? Maybe there was a smell in there as well. Regardless, I was back to November 2006, but instead of that pure wrenching pain that was there, a sort of phantom pain emerged.

I believe I know what it means to loose a limb and go to itch a scratch that is not there now. And, here is the revelation. That not there.

When did this happen? I don't remember a sigh of relief? I don't remember accepting that this pain go away. I don't remember the doctor saying, we are going to amputate.

So, I decided after feeling that, to listen to this song while writing this entry. And really remembering for a moment, just how horrible I could feel. How horrible I felt. Remembering just wanting so bad to get through that situation to move on to hope again and life and love. Wanting to believe that, that could happen. And since then, I have been living in some sort of hopelessness, one way or the other.

Well not since that time, but on and off. I hope that I have been crawling out of this hole in a steady uphill motion for awhile now. And, this past month has given me so many blessings and good things heaped on top of a pretty spectacular life leading to good feelings. And, I am really able to enjoy them, for what feels like the first time in a long time.

So, why go back and experience a pain? Good question.

To remember that this was part of me in my life for a short part of my life. This was not a limb, but a growth that had popped up one day. It's time for removal came and it was gone. Or maybe just fell off. It's grown up and out and off. But, just like a part of my body that was there and is now gone, I will ever so often be reminded and need to scratch.

Welcome back blog. I've missed you.

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