Monday, March 24, 2008

Ordinary World

Last night, I took a moment to myself to smoke a cigarette and got to look out over a portion of our fair city. Listen to the traffic below, see the lights on all the buildings, look at the people across the street in their apartments, hear the people talking to other people as they went on their way.

This reminded me of one of my first nights in New York City.

When I first moved here, I was only smoking one cigarette a week. I chose to take that one cigarette on the roof of my apartment building - my apartment being a 10X12 room. I lived off of 57th street and Lexington Ave. I was relieved when I first heard that I had roof access. From the cramped living quarters to the cramped everyday life of New York, it was nice to know I had a place where I could feel space.

I would go up to the roof and scan the whole city. It was gorgeous. All the lights and sounds. The first time I went up there it was a little overwhelming, the big city. But as I took it all in, the stars I missed were replaced with the lights and buildings I would grow to love.

I also began to remember all the times I would be walking home from seeing a show or going through Times Square or walking through Central Park on my way to school. I would ever so often stop for a second out of glee and think - my gosh, I live in New York City.

Last night, after remembering this, I tried to re-kindle that moment for this great city. But, it wasn't there. That awe of where I am. It has been replaced by a feeling of this is where I live. This is my home. This is normalcy.

Well, I have been here for over a decade.

But, I still wanted that feeling. It should still be there. I get excited walking home when I realize where I live and how much I love the neighborhood and all the things that encompass it. I decided that there had to be another reason for not feeling that "awe" than just the fact that I've been here for awhile. Then, it dawned on me. New York was my goal. I have attained it.

My dream was to live in New York - I am. To work in theatre - I am. To be able to make a living - I am (well sort of). I am doing everything I have set out to do.

I still didn't feel satisfied with my thoughts on all this. So, what did I do - I turned to my music.

Ordinary World by Duran Duran came on. At first listen I thought - exactly, right, I'm living in an ordinary world. What was once a place of excitement and newness was now just ordinary. Great. Well, what should I do now?

Then, I listened to the song again, and again, and again. Really paying close attention to the lyrics.

I love it when a song speaks to you. Or, you can insert your own feelings or life into it. Some would say speak - others insert - I like thinking it speaks to me. The lyrics reflected feelings, ideas, situations (in a very broad term) that had happened up to a year ago to things that had happened just recently. And, after my day - meditating, releasing here, reflecting there, the above moment, etc., I felt satisfied with my answer. And, felt that the day had come, full circle.

What I took from it? Time to dry my eyes from my past heartaches and start moving to solid ground. There are also things in the world around me that are much bigger than what is going on in my own head. I need to stop trying to regain some semblance of my past and start trying to find out who I am and what my life is now. I can't re-kindle that moment of the excitement of the city no more than I can bring back the life I once loved.

This has definitely been a true Spring Equinox/Easter for me. I can feel the warm in the air. Time to shake off the leaves.

Ordinary World Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all? Crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say:
'Pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me? Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
Just blown away

And I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world,
Every world is our world,
Every world

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Hey, I Put My New Shoes On...

I am a year older and hopefully I have been able to take last year's lessons and information to be able to say the proverbial - one year older and wiser.

I have been feeling like I have been a drift a vast ocean for so long. Or, like I've told some of my friends, being re-created from the burnt ashes of experience. My own Icarus Phoenix if you will(I should write about that sometime). But only now am I being able to stand fully upright and brushing off the soot.

I am one year older.

And, when being born, one is stripped from their mother's womb, the one warm, comforting place you knew for so many months and slapped on the back and then, at least in my day, placed on a cold metal scale. This is your welcome to the world - your birth. Of course, this would leave anyone a little cranky.

I was really cranky last week.

However, this morning I woke up, from underneath my warm blankets, feeling somewhat satisfied. Like everything would be OK. That everything was OK.

Was this from talking to my mom last night? Was this from starting auditions for Colorful World? Was this from having a populus of people saying Happy Birthday to me for three days straight (which by the way - thank you!)? Was it the Tarot card reading I got and the results of that? I don't know. And, it could be, that nothing above actually changed my perception. I just was...that, of feeling alright, for the first time in I don't know how long.

That's not to say that over this past year there weren't mornings I woke up giddy over this or that. Or found myself happily walking down the street. Or loving ever minute of being with my friends. I have found myself happy and feeling alright multiple times over this year.

This morning I woke up feeling satisfied. Like I can do anything.

The world is in front of me. I am a year older and hopefully wiser. I have learned from all of my teachers, the world, around me. I believe I am ready to re-start out on my path. This is both scary and exciting. Part of me wants to crawl back under the covers and just relish that feeling of satisfaction. But, I know the feeling will pass. So, I just have to keep on going, like I have been, and see what this new year will bring.

This feeling of satsifaction? I hope it lasts.

Never Stop Rocking....

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Happy Birthday to .......

My dad.

Today would have been his 66Th birthday.

I had been contemplating when to take down the memorial on my web page - has it been up there long enough or has my page become more about death and my father? This will be the last day that it stays at the top of my page. Tomorrow, it will move. I was going to take the whole thing off, but my dad was such a part of my life and made me who I am, that he deserves a spot on my blog.

And, I am not saying that in a few days, weeks or months, you won't be getting another "dad" story or memory. I feel that this is one process I can blog about without hurting feelings or others. And, it's a part of every one's life - everyone will go through this, the act of loosing a parent.

So, today is kind of a rough day. It really hit me last night. I don't know if this has happened to you, but I have had a tendency in my life, that after someone has died, forgetting they are gone. You go through the motions, the funeral, the grieving all of that, then you go on with your life. Then one day, you are talking with someone and blurt out, I should get that for or I should tell "insert dead loved one here". Last night was one of those moments. Where I got excited for a second that tomorrow was my dad's birthday. Then, almost instantly, my mood swung to the other side.

I then began to remember those years when I was super busy (even more than I am now) and would suddenly realize that my father's birthday was a day or two away. And, running out to get a birthday gift or card, knowing it would be getting to him late. But, also knowing that a call to him would be his ideal gift. He would say, "You don't (or didn't) have to get me anything, kiddo. Just talking to you is a gift enough." There may have been one or two days over my ... years, where I suddenly realized at midnight or the next day that I had missed my dad's birthday. I would run to the phone or, now, yank it out of my pocket and call him immediately. In those situations he would just say don't worry about it. "I'm too old for birthday's anyway."

Here's to you pops. Happy Birthday.


In other news, some of you have been asking about the smoking cut down. I smoked my one during the day and only had 2 at home last night. That's right - only 3 in one day. And, by the by, it is weird that I am proud of such a fact, seeing that a few years ago, I could go 3 or 4 days without having none. Oh well! Oh and the rule for March is: only 1 during working hours. I can have up to 2 if I am just at home. 5 if I am going out. And, for theatre work - as many as I like, which has been about 3 or 4, depending on the night. Weekends is still smoke if you got em'.

(And by the way - Thank you dear readers - checked out my readership the other day and it has almost tripled - thanks for passing my link, adding it or what have you. It's so nice to know there are more than 5 people reading this. :) )