Ordinary World

Last night, I took a moment to myself to smoke a cigarette and got to look out over a portion of our fair city. Listen to the traffic below, see the lights on all the buildings, look at the people across the street in their apartments, hear the people talking to other people as they went on their way.

This reminded me of one of my first nights in New York City.

When I first moved here, I was only smoking one cigarette a week. I chose to take that one cigarette on the roof of my apartment building - my apartment being a 10X12 room. I lived off of 57th street and Lexington Ave. I was relieved when I first heard that I had roof access. From the cramped living quarters to the cramped everyday life of New York, it was nice to know I had a place where I could feel space.

I would go up to the roof and scan the whole city. It was gorgeous. All the lights and sounds. The first time I went up there it was a little overwhelming, the big city. But as I took it all in, the stars I missed were replaced with the lights and buildings I would grow to love.

I also began to remember all the times I would be walking home from seeing a show or going through Times Square or walking through Central Park on my way to school. I would ever so often stop for a second out of glee and think - my gosh, I live in New York City.

Last night, after remembering this, I tried to re-kindle that moment for this great city. But, it wasn't there. That awe of where I am. It has been replaced by a feeling of this is where I live. This is my home. This is normalcy.

Well, I have been here for over a decade.

But, I still wanted that feeling. It should still be there. I get excited walking home when I realize where I live and how much I love the neighborhood and all the things that encompass it. I decided that there had to be another reason for not feeling that "awe" than just the fact that I've been here for awhile. Then, it dawned on me. New York was my goal. I have attained it.

My dream was to live in New York - I am. To work in theatre - I am. To be able to make a living - I am (well sort of). I am doing everything I have set out to do.

I still didn't feel satisfied with my thoughts on all this. So, what did I do - I turned to my music.

Ordinary World by Duran Duran came on. At first listen I thought - exactly, right, I'm living in an ordinary world. What was once a place of excitement and newness was now just ordinary. Great. Well, what should I do now?

Then, I listened to the song again, and again, and again. Really paying close attention to the lyrics.

I love it when a song speaks to you. Or, you can insert your own feelings or life into it. Some would say speak - others insert - I like thinking it speaks to me. The lyrics reflected feelings, ideas, situations (in a very broad term) that had happened up to a year ago to things that had happened just recently. And, after my day - meditating, releasing here, reflecting there, the above moment, etc., I felt satisfied with my answer. And, felt that the day had come, full circle.

What I took from it? Time to dry my eyes from my past heartaches and start moving to solid ground. There are also things in the world around me that are much bigger than what is going on in my own head. I need to stop trying to regain some semblance of my past and start trying to find out who I am and what my life is now. I can't re-kindle that moment of the excitement of the city no more than I can bring back the life I once loved.

This has definitely been a true Spring Equinox/Easter for me. I can feel the warm in the air. Time to shake off the leaves.

Ordinary World Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all? Crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say:
'Pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me? Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
Just blown away

And I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world,
Every world is our world,
Every world