There Was A Little Girl, Who Had A Little Curl, Right in the Middle of Her Forehead

Thank you Longfellow.

This is the poem that was going through my head this morning as one little curl went bouncing along, straying from the rest of my hair and presenting itself right in the middle of my forehead. I have long hair, so this was both poignant and annoying.

I have had a very interesting week. Now, if I had written this post yesterday or even Wednesday, it would probably be entitled, worst week ever or burn, world, burn. But, giving myself sometime to breathe and look over it all, I can say - it is in the top 5 worst weeks - but only because it was peppered with some really, really good things making the bad things stick out like thorns on a rose.

Guess I'm going for prose today.

So, instead of the whole description of what has happened over the week (and that was really too much information for public viewing) I'm in a creative mood so I'm just going to give you a Haiku.

The sun on my face
Everything bursts around me
Rain cools and soothes burns

OK - maybe too vague and super cheesy. Let's try this.

Friday there was a miss-step, but all in all OK
Saturday was tired, but fun and joy abounded
Sunday and Monday I was the walking dead which wasn't fun at all
Tuesday is the day I experienced hockey for the very first time
What a feeling, the ice, the fights, the fun, the game, oh wow
Then I went home and another worst fear was visited
By someone coming in and invading my home
Leaving it in shambles, disarray and loss.
Wednesday was a bit of a blur and I walked with fire in my eyes
Got an official notice that I am still mulling about
Thursday was very painful - medical tests and all
But, Friday, today, it was OK
And, I'm starting to see pink after the fall.

Yeah, definitely not my best work. Feeling creative and it being good work is not a guarantee.

So, after thinking about my behavior and my want for blood after the whole ordeal, today with my curl on my forehead, reminded me: "When she was good, She was very good indeed, But when she was bad she was horrid."

As I said above, I had a lot of good things this week. My birthday party was amazing. I was overwhelmed by how many people came out and the mixture of people that were there. To those who were there and reading this, thank you, so, so much. And, to those who gave me birthday wishes and apologies that you couldn't make it - thank you so much. I am truly blessed by the presence of my friends in any way, shape or form.

But all that went out the window on Tuesday night, pretty much into this morning. I went to horridville the other day. I wanted the world to burn. The world that had given me so much, I wanted a cinder. I just had, had it. Someone coming in and robbing me and my roommate was the straw that just broke this old camel's back. These past 2 years have been hard. Roadblocks and heart ache a-go-go. And, this, just sent me over the edge.

But, my dad always said when I was horrid - "Did anyone say it was going to fair? Did anyone say it was going to fun? Bad things happen, for no other reason than they just do."

My roommate said this will make us stronger. I really hope so. I mean, I'm still here. I'm still standing. I'm still moving on. I guess that is a start.

Also got this as an I-Ching for today. Enjoy.

39: Temporary Obstacles
General Meaning: Have temporary obstacles been blocking your way? In the course of trying to reach a goal or to fulfill a personal ambition, obstructions inevitably present themselves. This is not always a bad thing. Obstacles, difficulties and even setbacks that are eventually overcome often turn into assets. Without irritating grains of sand, oysters would never make pearls.

The obstacles pointed to here are not permanent, yet they are in the way. As when a large boulder falls in the road, the best course of action is usually to go around it, rather than to try to move it out of the way. Temporary obstacles must be seen for what they are — temporary — and should not be allowed to take on too much significance.

A positive aspect of even the most difficult obstacle is that it may cause a person to turn inward, and gain greater depth and character. While the ignorant bemoan their fate and seek to blame their problems on others, the wise seek the cause of the problem within themselves. Through this type of introspection, obstacles become a means for personal growth and self-discovery.

Without air resistance, no plane would ever fly.

If you are facing temporary obstacles, try not to be overly concerned. Obstacles are a part of achieving every goal and furthering every undertaking. Setbacks and reverses can affect morale, but keeping up your self-confidence in the face of challenges is part of a successful solution to many of life's problems. Obstacles of short duration are best handled with a yielding attitude. Go around the rock, don't put your shoulder to it.

Just 5 more minutes......

It could be exhaustion. It could be that spring is officially started, but not here yet. Whatever it is, I am exhausted and tired and want to sleep all the time.

I went to sleep last night at 10:30pm - very early for me - and slept through my alarm and woke up late at 7:30am. At work, I stare at my computer screen for moments on end feeling my eyelids shutting with no motivation to continue work. Then, CRASH, my eyes shut. The next thing I realize is the jerking of myself back to the conscience land. And, noticing that the clock is 5 minutes ahead from where it was when I crashed. During the whole run of Soul Samurai, this did not happen. Yeah, I was T-I-R-E-D, but I maintained.

I also think it might have to do with the beginning of Spring. And, the fact that Ms. Spring has been hitting the snooze alarm herself. It's in the 30's and it snowed this morning. But, it is sunny, so maybe Spring is a little tired too and wanting another few more minutes of sleep.

Of course, the world keeps turning and going and none of us are getting any younger.

Except for the few nightly things I did this week, I really just sat around and did nothing. Watched a lot of TV, got some naps in and re-made my indent on the couch. Oh that lovely couch, how I have missed you. However, in the back of my brain was the alarm going off of all the things I should be doing: cleaning my room (I did tidy for about an hour the other day), cleaning the house, organizing all my files that I haven't organized for 2 years, purchase or make a book shelf for all my stuff that is still in boxes-like books that I want to read, fix my Itunes, make an appointment for the Genius bar to look at my MAC and my Iphone - they aren't communicating that well, clean up my email boxes, go through my mail, working out more, doing yoga more, picking back up my guitar, go to a drum circle with my djembe, look into getting new headshots, working on a plethora of things for Nosedive.

Wow, that's a big list I just made. I am sure there is more, but wow.

I am, well, just...so...sleepy. And, again, my 2 year old tantrum child is wanting to stomp her feet and say - I don't wanna do anything. I also have a lot of events planned next week in the evening. It just doesn't seem to stop. Once I am done with one opportunity, even more pop up.

I do remind myself from time to time, that this is a good problem to have.

I could just have my TV, my couch and nothing else. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happy with just that. Coming home, relaxing, going to bed. And, of course, it sounds really, really nice, but I also know eventually I would get bored. I find myself, while watching movies, getting up and puddering around the house, working on a project, etc. Making food - which will defeat my goal of getting back into shape if I am not careful. I am a pretty good cook after all.

And, as much as I would like to be retired at times, I'm not. And, Spring, neither are you.

So, I'm going to hit the snooze for a couple of more days with our good friend Spring. Don't worry. We'll wake up soon.

Last Day of 2x Job - I Regret Nothing!

When this downed economy hit, I was in a bit of a pickle. I had gotten to the place where I couldn't pay all my bills and actually live. For those of you who know me, besides plays, movies and the random night out, I was pretty much a hermit when I was not doing a show. Only to venture out to get a little sunlight- however, I was worried that they would start charging for that too. I got a little more cash for the holidays, got some gifts for a few, but that was my extent of really buying outside of what I could afford. And, the credit card thing - yikes! All my interest rates went up, minimums went up and I started to listen to those commercials about being in debt trouble like they were preaching the gospel. What's that phone number again? Gosh, I wonder how much they charge for this service after I get through all the free stuff?

I needed a second job. I knew raises at my job may not be a possibility. Or I needed to claim bankruptcy. (I do sound like one of those commercials don't I?)

At the beginning of January, I decided it was time to take my backstage talent and put it to work - literally - it needed to make me some extra money. I decided that I would start doing this kind of work on and off during the year. Take a show for a few weeks, get paid, take a break, repeat. And, if it looked like I could do this two job craziness, then I would look for a more permanent theater job and just go for it.

I got a call from the lovely Mrs. Abby of Vampire Cowboys about working on "Soul Samurai". Well, perfect! Not only do I not have to go hunting for a job, one lands in my lap.

In a later blog I'll go into more details of my new found skills in Wardrobe and Hair, but not today my dear readers.

I take the job. I know Vampire Cowboys, I've met quite a bit of Ma-Yi and I know the cast pretty much. It's a no brainer. You take that job with that many pluses.

When I started to put all the show dates into my calendar, I began to realize, I have two days off, technically, two nights off. Once the show started, I realized those two days would equal to one night of laundry and one night for any major fixing on costumes. So, seven days a week for 4 weeks. Still, I told myself I could do this.

Now, it is the last day where I come to the day job, go to the night job, then go do laundry. My assessment.

Yes, I made it. I didn't die. I didn't mess up too much at either job. I made it thus far. Is this something I can continue to do? Yes, only if I never wanted to see anyone I know outside of the particular show I am working on and if I wanted to possibly go crazy.

I sleep through my alarm now. I mean, really sleep through my alarm. I never did that. When I was going to AMDA, having to get up at 6am, go to 8 hours of classes involving a lot of physical endurance, then to the night job, then home by 1am to repeat again - I did not sleep through my alarm. Now, I wake up at my first alarm at 6:50, then open my eyes again to see it 7:50.

If I went out and stayed out late once during the week, I was exhausted for days. This was unfortunate for things like, our benefit, the opening night party, seeing Watchmen at midnight, our Burlesque benefit. You get the picture.

I really don't know what day it is or what I am doing 1/2 of the time. It takes a lot of concentration during the day to do things. I have to write things down even more and remember to write things down. This also reminds me that I am smoking more. Smoking seems to be the only time that I take to focus and go over everything. I don't think I could sit down and mediate right now. I'd be too restless.

Exercise has been a luxury. No yoga in the morning. I've gotten to the gym a couple of times a week-three times in the week if I am lucky. I run up and downstairs all night, so that is exercise, but my knees are paying for it. I do sit ups backstage during one of the longer scenes.

I am completely out of touch with everything going on in our world. I got to hear quite a bit about the octuplets, the market go up, the market go down, (repeat), the stimulus package and stem cell research. If anything else has happened, please let me know.

Good things - I have lost weight. That was a goal I have been working on. About 7 pounds and counting. I have learned new skills or enhanced ones I already have. Got to work and laugh and have fun with a great cast and crew. Be a part of an amazing, successful show.

Will I be doing this again anytime soon? To this extent? No.

I believe I am "getting to old for this shit." I am looking forward to going back to rehearsing and then tech week and then 3 to 4 performances a week. Will I still be in crazy land during those productions, doing a hundred things at once and/or running around like a crazy lady trying to get ready? Probably. But, I know I can handle a few performances a week. This was really a challenge.

I have no regrets. Only lessons learned.

A Celebration of Memories

Today would be my father's 67th birthday. I searched last night for some more pictures of my dad on my computer and realized that a lot of them are actually still on Scott's computer and in hard, developed picture format. Being almost midnight and needing to go to sleep, I found a picture (and a couple of movie clips) that brought back a great memory.


This is my dad's hand. That, of course, is a baby turtle. This was one of the last times my dad and I had some real one on one face time together and it developed into a beautiful memory for me.

I guess this was May or August, I was visiting my parents in Carlsbad, NM and my dad and I were on the back porch one morning, drinking coffee, my dad sitting down, me standing, looking out into the back yard, rambling on about something, when a baby turtle came meandering onto the porch. My dad, being the biologist and lover of nature he was, sat up and slowly leaned over in his seat to get a better look at the little guy. I, living in a land of concrete and missing nature, slowly backed away, then ran into the house to get the camera. I came back outside and there was my dad, looking over the little fellow, like a protector or probably to the turtle, a large tree branch. I took some pictures and then turned on the video camera. I filmed the little guy walking along the porch. You can here the birds cooing in the background, you can almost feel the air. I made 2 short videos. My father, of course, said nothing, but just sat there listening to me babble for the camera like I was on some nature show (but due to the adorableness of it all, my voice was up an octave). After the turtle began to take off back into the grass of our backyard, my dad got up from his chair and calmly walked over, bent down, and picked him up. I could tell my dad didn't want this moment to be over and wanted the baby turtle to stick around a bit longer. He then, in his dad way, explained to me the markings on the turtle, and how there were still some soft places cause he was so young - which is something my dad had done before with other turtles. Then, said, "Here, now take a picture, you can really see him much better." And the result is the above picture.

This memory also reminded me of the time I learned from my dad that some lizards' tails come off for protection from predators. When, I was about 4 or 5, my dad and I collected the lizards that ran around our apartment complex. My dad always told me not to grab them by the tail. So, one day I asked - why daddy? My dad took me outside to the tank where we kept the lizards, picked one up, then grabbed it by it's tail only. The tail detached and the lizard ran away free. I, of course, screamed, like...well... a little girl. My dad showed me the still wriggling tail in his fingers and told that it was just the tail and the lizard was fine. I, being the sick little monkey back then that I am now, thought that was pretty cool and then he began to chase me, both of us laughing, around the house with this detached lizard tail and also got my mom involved, by chasing her around with the tail. Of which she would laugh and yell - "Ron, now, quit it. Throw that thing away." Once the tail stopped moving of it's own fruition, my dad took it outside and tossed it. A few days later, I was with my dad and a lizard came crawling up. It had a little stub of a a tail. My dad showed me and said - "See, this lizard lost his tail and it's growing back. He's just fine."

And, my dad, yet again, is right.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Random not so deep Thoughts

Yes, this show has taken over my life. Wednesday through Sunday with two nights of washing and patching = 7 days a week folks. So, my blogging has definitely slowed down considerably, as has my blog reading (sorry guys). Heck, this drivel below took me all day to write in the few spare moments I had. Enjoy my silliness!

Random Thought One:
One of the most painful sounds in the world is a baby screaming/crying on a train when you know that cry is for pain. Not because they are grumpy, not because they aren't getting their way, not because they are stuck in their stroller, but because they are in physical pain. I was reminded of my ear aches I used to get as a child. Screaming for hours. The second saddest sight, is that of two parents on a train with the screaming, in pain baby trying so hard to be calm and get the baby to be calm when there is just unadulterated fear in their eyes. There is a first saddest sight, but that's not in this posting.

Random Thought Two:
This one actually goes with a dialog set up.

A boy, about 7, a girl, about 4 and their father(?), were walking down the street yesterday. The boy picked up a large ice chunk and began to shave down the sides some and making it into a shape.

He then starting asking the other two - "Who wants to see Pikachu smashed?"
The girl responded, "I want pizza."
Boy: Who wants to see Pikachu smashed?
Girl: I want pizza.
Boy: WHO wants to SEE Pi..KA..chu SMASHED?
Girl: I want pizza.
(This repeated a few more times.)
Then the boy asked the girl - "Do YOU want to see Pikachu get smaaa-shed?"
The girl responded, "I want pizza."
Boy: Pikachu!
Girl: Pizza!
Boy: Pikachu!
Girl: PI-IZZ-AAAAA!
Again, this went back and forth until you heard the ice shatter and the girl let out a yell and the boy laugh and say, "I smashed Pikachu!"
Girl: Are we going to have pizza now?

Many thoughts ran through my mind.
One - Pizza and Pikachu do kind of sound the same.
Two - How many conversations with adults do I have that are examples of the above exchange?
Three - I didn't know that a seven year old would know about Pikachu. Who knew?

Random Thought Three:
Do I really want to keep my Iphone? The answer of course from my now devil owned soul cries YES! But, how much of this is a hassle? I find myself forgetting what I was just in the middle of doing because I had a sudden thought of my Iphone and is it safe, do I have it on me, where is it, etc. Did I just buy the equivalent of a baby? I am constantly wondering if the phone is OK and forgetting my tasks at hand. It's a thought.